Several days ago, after frantically trying to get a hold of my psyche nurse for several days as I was freaking out about nightmares and the dark, she finally told me to increase my mood stabilizer which I did. Now as seems to be the way it goes I am dropping into the deep depression again and I do take an anti-depressant. I am either manic or down in the black freaking hole. They can’t stabilize me. They’ve been trying for years. I am so tired of the deep depression. What follows next is the thoughts of suicide if left like this. I am suicidal while depressed not manic. I know it has only been a few days and since I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as BP, my mood can change in minutes. Enough to drive anyone crazy. Maybe it isn’t even the med change. I hate this!
drank my water, took my pills and the detox
didn’t have soda, but did have ice cream (more than I should have), plus more carbs in my meals
no I didn’t check my blood sugar today, but I did last night
no exercise (walking that is)
did meet my BFF for Brunch like we do every Saturday
This pretty much explains how I feel, but I usually don’t notice til it is pointed out to me.
When coming into a hypomanic or manic episode it is not always easy to realize it within ourselves. It is not like a warning bell goes off inside us or a red light begins flashing to let us know of the danger ahead. There have been times when I have been in the episode for quite some time before I realize how bad it has gotten or before someone finally has the nerve to tell me that I am in an episode. Unfortunately I do not always see the signs as they begin to appear.
For anyone who has been hypomanic or manic they probably understand that completely, you are probably sitting there nodding your heads because it is so familiar. While I am sure there are others who have not experienced hypomania or mania and are sitting there reading this shaking their heads wondering how we did not see…
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Fibromyalgia Symptoms excerpt from WebMD
In this article
The main fibromyalgia signs and symptoms include deep muscle pain, painful tender points, and morning stiffness. Other major symptoms of fibromyalgia include sleep problems, fatigue, and anxiety. In order to make an accurate diagnosis, your doctor will need to review your symptoms and signs of fibromyalgia.
Between my doctor’s orders and my son’s recommendations I have a lot to work on without losing my mind to BD or Fibromyalgia or Diabetes. They are the big things to worry about.
The picture above was me at 17 years old. I would like to get back to that weight of 86 lbs, but at 58 yrs old I doubt that will happen unless I can suddenly start exercising. I can lose weight, but very slowly and there will be flab <sigh>. The Fibromyalgia makes exercising almost an impossibility. However, losing a lot of weight will cure a lot of what ails me. Did you know that losing weight will bring down blood pressure, glucose numbers and take the weight off the joints so they don’t ache so much from lugging all this weight around?
Did I do:
- daily glucose test – no
- 40 ounces of water – yes, I actually had around 70 ounces today
- have caffeine – no, none at all and I don’t’ drink coffee just soda and I didn’t have chocolate
- walk 15 minutes – no but we did walk in the park around 10 minutes and no severe backache so far
- have diet soda – no soda at all today, let’s see what cutting out Aspartame does (still have some soda here in the house though)
- have carbs – just what was in 2 slices of cheese and 2 hamburger buns (ate separately), the burgers don’t have carbs, they are protein
- use my BiPap machine last night to sleep – yes
- take my morning and evening pills – yes I remembered all of them today
So my list is half done. Better than nothing done.
That sounds about right!
Darkness is not My Friend —– by Teresa Dean Smeigh
Nightmares during the night or day,
Cannot keep the demons at bay.
I always dread the coming night
I have to sleep with a light.
Darkness is not my friend
I wish it all were to end!
This poem came to me upon waking up. Sometimes they are just there and have to come out.
My psyche nurse has finally contacted me. She was out of town. She is increasing my mood stabilizer Trilofon (Perphenazine). I am not sure that is the answer but we will talk more on my Tuesday appointment. I have to call and get the time. I can’t find my card and I am sure I have an appointment with her then. We have to contact each other by email. She cc’d my therapist so he now knows I am acting out and not stable too. Oh well, topic for Thursday’s therapist appointment.
- I was up all night with the lights on and fell asleep at 6 AM and then woke at 6 PM when my son texted me. Decent sleep for once.
- I am working on my dehydration. Up to at least 3 bottles of water a day. And spend most of the day in the bathroom.
- I am getting worse with refilling my prescriptions. I used to be on top of it.
- In case I can’t get my comment reading and post readings caught up tonight I will get to them tomorrow hopefully. I am now following a lot of blogs.
I promised to do some more research on Fibromyalgia diets to help with pain if you want to work on getting rid of pain pills. I will eventually get to it.
So here we go:
- I gave birth to 3 of the greatest kids. None have been in jail although between the 3 of them we have piercings and tattoos.Nothing trashy. And they provided me with 4 grandchildren.
- I have family that really and truly cares about me. I have online family as well.
- I too, am honest to a fault. I can’t take something that is not mine if I can find the owner. I give cashiers back their mistakes if they gave me too much change.
- I write not just this blog, but I have one at Finally a Writer. My short stories and poems are usually well received.
- I have a BFF to help me keep on track with my decluttering.
- I love animals, mainly cats, but I find other animals adorable too. We also have a dog we rescued from the shelter.
- I listen and sometimes have to deal with my ex-hubby to help my children. They are all grown, but he thinks he still runs their lives.
- I have empathy and hate to see people bullied, practical jokes played on them and just plain hurt.
- I will come to your aid if you need it. I like helping people.
- I lost my mother a year and a half ago and I am here (living) and helping my dad who is very confused right now.
This has been a great exercise and an eye-opener.