Falling into depression


Several days ago, after frantically trying to get a hold of my psyche nurse for several days as I was freaking out about nightmares and the dark, she finally told me to increase my mood stabilizer which I did. Now as seems to be the way it goes I am dropping into the deep depression again and I do take an anti-depressant. I am either manic or down in the black freaking hole. They can’t stabilize me. They’ve been trying for years. I am so tired of the deep depression. What follows next is the thoughts of suicide if left like this. I am suicidal while depressed not manic. I know it has only been a few days and since I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as BP, my mood can change in minutes. Enough to drive anyone crazy. Maybe it isn’t even the med change. I hate this!

  • drank my water, took my pills and the detox

  • didn’t have soda, but did have ice cream (more than I should have), plus more carbs in my meals

  • no I didn’t check my blood sugar today, but I did last night

  • no exercise (walking that is)

  • did meet my BFF for Brunch like we do every Saturday

Tessa

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36 thoughts on “Falling into depression

  1. sassafrass20

    After my round-about-trip w/Cymbalta I wonder is it working for you correctly? Are there other pain management meds the fybro doc can try? I know I’m not a DR or Psych Nurse, but I get the feeling they aren’t communicating with eachother about your stability and what’s really best for you. *Sorry, I’ve eaten an entire 14 oz container of cream cheese fruit dip, worked a double, had little sleep and on my way to little less sleep tonight…4 hours again tonight. Hang in there Tessa! Can we beat away the darkness with a squeaky hammer??

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          1. sassafrass20

            Awww lovely kitteh 😊 my sister’s Ragdoll always plays with her krinkle ball at night ❤️ My cat was “too good” to play with toys lol She was a prissy bitch but she was awesome 😊

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            1. Tessa Post author

              She prefers my stuff to her toys. She has a lot of toys and will play with them and then they land under the dressers since she throws them around. The lovely kitty is finally sleeping since I fed her. She was driving me nuts meowing non-stop.

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          2. Tessa Post author

            Oh no, I would hate to think my personality is like hers, but you might be right. I am anti-social as well. Don’t like to be touched. Hmmm, what a theory.

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  2. Cat

    Hi Tessa… sorry you’re not feeling good. I understand suicide depression very well. Pain is dreadful to tolerate when our MH is already on the floor. Have you tried Pregablin/Lyrica? It is for nerve pain and help with anxiety

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    1. Tessa Post author

      I haven’t had that one because they won’t give it to me since 1. I am obese and that makes you gain weight and 2. I tried gabapentin/neurontin and they are similar and if I can’t tolerate them I can’t tolerate the Lyrica. So the great ones say! And I really don’t need anymore weight.

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      1. Cat

        Yes, I have struggled with my weight gain since starting Pregablin, Quetiapine (Seroquel) and Mirtazapine… all responsible for having to buy lots of new clothes. I am currently reducing Quetiapine and Mirtazapine and the weight is dropping nicely. Are you feeling any better today, Tessa?

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        1. Tessa Post author

          Thank you for asking Cat! I am depressed, tomorrow have talk with psyche nurse about the meds. I can’t stand this and she ups the mood stabilizer and I get severely depressed. And I am tired of thinking about suicide. My family is walking on pins and needles around me.

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          1. Cat

            From my limited knowledge bank, I seem to remember reading on the patient information leaflet that comes with the medication, that these meds can sometimes make the depression worse and I’m not sure a nurse is qualified to make these decisions. I am actually quite surprised the nurse is allowed to increase your meds in the first place. Is there any chance you can go back to speak to a Psychiatrist about the meds? I tried antidepressants for years, all different kinds, some made me a lot worse and the rest of them did nothing at all, except of course, to gain weight.

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            1. Tessa Post author

              She’s a trained psyche nurse. I got rid of my last psychiatrist she was not for me. Now my therapist has this traveling psyche nurse who seems to know her business. She has hone better than the others I saw.

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  3. arcade1775

    Thinking of you as well.

    Whenever I feel suicidal, it’s usually a result of being continually exposed to negative stimuli and not feeling like there will be a chance to move on from there. I could only imagine how you must feel. Part of it for me is feeling cut off from nature, especially during the winter months. Cold pins-n’-needles feeling in the joints, increased sensitivity to pain, and other things which make me wonder if I have a much milder version of fibromyalgia myself, god forbid.

    What helps me quite reliably is remembering my trips to the Peyote Way church in Arizona, both before and after Immanuel died, and my experiences thereafter (especially of my daughter’s birth.) Life wasn’t completely peachy since (which was back in 2009), but it wasn’t completely sucky afterwards.

    I wish I could just go over to where you live and make you a mix of ginger, [insert favourite fruit here] and stevia. Or at least to tell your son to shove it down your throat while you’re sleeping, haha.

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  4. Tessa Post author

    I blame the thoughts on suicide on the deep depression this drug puts me in. It is stronger than the anti-depressant it seems and by no way do I call my mood stabilized. I still have mood swings at times just not hourly or quicker. But negativity doesn’t help and I dwell on the future and that looks very bleak and who wants another 30 years or so of what I imagine. Even that amount time where I am at is not good. That is one way to deal with it choke me on something. Geesh if I didn’t choke to death I would have a massive panic attack. LOL!

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  5. Jipsi Harris

    I know what this feels like. Opposite of what I feel right now, but its coming. I swear by Abilify. Ive been pushing that drug lately.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Hi Jipsi! I can’t use Abilify. That drug did terrible things to me and I was sent home from work. I am currently on Cymbalta for Fibro depression (BP) and a mood stabilizer one of the old ones. Not working. I am glad that Abilify works for you.

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      1. Jipsi Harris

        Oh Im sorry. Yeah ya know…its tough enough living with a mental illness, let alone trying to find the right meds that dont make it WORSE. Ive heard fibromyalgia is terrible. I had a co worker with it and i felt so bad for her cause it caused some really hard depression so i empathized with her cause my own illness. But its also physically painful which contributes to it. I feel for you.

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  6. darklady5

    Tessa that feeling is terrible I know I’m like that all the time. I don’t take antidepressants for few years now which I regret deeply because I thought I could cure myself after had resigned my job. I was so tired of meds for depression and to sleep. 😩 I can’t sleep, I can’t stand noises especially dogs Barking all the time and the feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. I am suicidal but I made a promise to my husband that I would never talk about it any more or even think however it’s not easy stop thinking about death and how much I long to end with this endless suffering. Our financial situation doesn’t help either.I keep waiting to afford to have a pet a nice cat to help me through this. Well what I do is to get obsessed with games that’s the only thing that distracts me from bad thoughts or noise

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    1. Tessa Post author

      I hope you get a nice cat. I got a noisy one who is not very affectionate. Kind of defeats the purpose. I have tried many times to go off the drugs, but I ended up at the hospital after attempting suicide and that hurt my family bad so I start getting those feelings I go for a med tweaking. I hate dogs barking all the time and doors slamming or even shutting. I grind my teeth and want to scream. I played games until I started this blog. Now it isn’t quite as easy since I answer each comment and have 68 followers right now. That’s a lot of writing.

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      1. darklady5

        Same here but I still try to do several things to entertain myself, I. Keep my games, my reading, photography, walks… Lately I’ve found it difficult for me to express myself Tessa it’s as if I am afraid to write down what really goes in my mind. It’s very good to have such loyal followers dear and having feedback is very rewarding. 👍😸

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        1. Tessa Post author

          I just saw I am up to 85 followers. I don’t always write how i am truly feeling because I whine enough about how I feel. I entertain myself with reading and occasionally now Facebook. I was obsessed with it. The cat wants to be fed. I have to eat something because my blood sugar is low and I accidentally took my night meds 6 hours after my last night meds. Don’t know what will happen. Double doses of psyche meds. Oh my!

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