I read another post which reminded me of this. As a child I spent most of my life either reading or day dreaming, the older I got the day dreams were about my crushes on movie starts and such. I lived in another reality. I was thin and beautiful and these movie stars were all in deep love with me. I got in trouble in school, at jobs because I couldn’t focus and was day dreaming all the time. And I do mean all the time. I hated the world I lived in and sought to be in a happy place.
The older I got and more the mania took control I would have fantasies and they were x-rated. The stories I wrote then were x-rated too. I got mixed up with men online and they loved those stories. I am not proud of the hyper-sexuality that led me to meet these unknown men from the internet. The fact it was dangerous never entered my head and my libido was in charge. I was already divorced for part of that time. For the beginning I had an open marriage in order to try to save our floundering marriage. It didn’t work. He found someone. He left and wanted a divorce. But I wasn’t really sorry as I wanted out and couldn’t be the one to break it up. We had kids. The youngest was 12 and went with him. The older 2 were adults. By the time the youngest turned 16 he demanded to live with me. I got my child back and became a single mother.
I no longer seek the internet for men, but the fantasies were out of control and when I told my therapist and psyche nurse they tweaked my medications. I have pretty much stopped fantasizing and/or daydreaming. I don’t have the daydreams of me and all the movie stars anymore either.
It was a dangerous life-style and I don’t recommend it for anyone who suffers extreme hyper-sexuality like I did. I was lucky and I saw a lot of men in that time period. Any one of them could have been a killer or at the very least hurt me. My therapist knows all about this, but was much relieved when he found I wasn’t doing it anymore. What are the odds that I would meet that one crazy one soon considering how many I saw.
I am tired of the rain and the cold. I need to see the sun and warmth before I spiral any lower. I probably should get back in the habit of opening the curtain in my room to make it not so dark and depressing. I can’t even begin to tell you what mood I am in right now. I am not suicidal thankfully, but just feel dead inside. It doesn’t help that my pain has been so bad since it got cold again.
- I went back to bed late this morning and slept til my son came home and was ready to eat. He also wanted to go to the store, so I had walking to do because he always parks far away and makes me walk. I have a handicapped placard, but he is trying to make me walk more. I understand his theory, but my body doesn’t like it and I usually suffer for it especially when we go to Walmart and he parks far away and then we walk all over the store with me leaning on a cart for support.
- I had pizza again for dinner
- drank all my water and took all my meds – will be heading to bed soon and hoping for a better day tomorrow
- the cat is watching me from in front of her food bowl – she has food on it already
- tomorrow is the chiropractor appointment again and I can hardly wait for him to push on my back right where it hurts the most