Day Dreams and Fantasies – the bain of my existence


I read another post which reminded me of this. As a child I spent most of my life either reading or day dreaming, the older I got the day dreams were about my crushes on movie starts and such.  I lived in another reality. I was thin and beautiful and these movie stars were all in deep love with me. I got in trouble in school, at jobs because I couldn’t focus and was day dreaming all the time. And I do mean all the time. I hated the world I lived in and sought to be in a happy place.

The older I got and more the mania took control I would have fantasies and they were x-rated. The stories I wrote then were x-rated too.  I got mixed up with men online and they loved those stories. I am not proud of the hyper-sexuality that led me to meet these unknown men from the internet. The fact it was dangerous never entered my head and my libido was in charge. I was already divorced for part of that time. For the beginning I had an open marriage in order to try to save our floundering marriage. It didn’t work. He found someone. He left and wanted a divorce. But I wasn’t really sorry as I wanted out and couldn’t be the one to break it up. We had kids. The youngest was 12 and went with him. The older 2 were adults. By the time the youngest turned 16 he demanded to live with me. I got my child back and became a single mother.

I no longer seek the internet for men, but the fantasies were out of control and when I told my therapist and psyche nurse they tweaked my medications. I have pretty much stopped fantasizing and/or daydreaming. I don’t have the daydreams of me and all the movie stars anymore either.

It was a dangerous life-style and I don’t recommend it for anyone who suffers extreme hyper-sexuality like I did.  I was lucky and I saw a lot of men in that time period. Any one of them could have been a killer or at the very least hurt me. My therapist knows all about this, but was much relieved when he found I wasn’t doing it anymore. What are the odds that I would meet that one crazy one soon considering how many I saw.

Tessa

15 thoughts on “Day Dreams and Fantasies – the bain of my existence

  1. OzzyGirl

    Day dreamer here too and for the same reason.
    As long as I can remember I have done it. And only recently have tried to make it stop. I have not succeeded.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      I haven’t stopped completely but rarely now will you find me daydreaming. She upped my meds and it did help. The unbearable desire to do something about those fantasies has stopped at least.

      Liked by 1 person

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  2. kat

    i also experience hyper sexuality when in a full blown mania. its the only time i actually have a libido. i actually can’t believe i did those things; i had no understanding what i was doing, how dangerous it was or how it would affect my job, marriage, kids. no one who hasn’t experienced this really understands that you are very sick and completely unable to 1) see what you are really doing and 2) that you have no control.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      The meds have killed my libido, but the mania can still amp me up and I have no control over it and it is definitely dangerous. When I am not in the control of the mania I can’t believe I did all that.

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  3. Sherrie de Valeria

    We all have our own past and darkest stories – but to admit it is the one of the way to heal your broken soul. We all do day dreaming, yes, and I love day dreaming – sometimes it is one way to escape the ugly reality of life.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      I decided on this blog not to hold back unless there was no way to disguise other people in the post. It is a cleansing, healing feeling and I am thinking out how to tell another story that needs forgiveness on my side but I can’t see to forgive this person. I also can’t blurt it out either and hurt someone else. But I need to forgive to get past it.

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      1. Sherrie de Valeria

        True. We have to learn to forgive ourselves and not just the others. We are always in struggle with our every day demons either now, in the past or presence. It depends how strong we are and how we know to learn to accept certain things in life. Never easy, but worth fighthing for.

        *HUGS*

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          1. Sherrie de Valeria

            Forgiving take us a huge step ahead which is beyond ourselves. It is never an easy thing to do. It is hard to forgive either yourself or the others, but we are learning creatures and we keep on learning still to better ourselves.

            But the things I read in your blogs, I know that you are strong woman. We all have that same fragile heart, but our spirit is strong.

            I wish you all the Best in Everything you do, my dear! Love reading you! 🙂

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            1. Tessa Post author

              Thank you!I am glad that you love reading me and that I am a strong woman. I would have to be because I have barely touched on everything in my life. I just reblogged an article on accepting an apology when none is given or something liek that. I need to think about it and then work on the forgiving part. Thanks for you comments. I appreciate them.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      I am too because I did have one crazy experience and I think the man would have hurt me except it was during the crazy open marriage time and my husband at the time called and freaked out on me and I had to leave. I think he might have saved me. Dangerous world out there.

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