I read another post which reminded me of this. As a child I spent most of my life either reading or day dreaming, the older I got the day dreams were about my crushes on movie starts and such. I lived in another reality. I was thin and beautiful and these movie stars were all in deep love with me. I got in trouble in school, at jobs because I couldn’t focus and was day dreaming all the time. And I do mean all the time. I hated the world I lived in and sought to be in a happy place.
The older I got and more the mania took control I would have fantasies and they were x-rated. The stories I wrote then were x-rated too. I got mixed up with men online and they loved those stories. I am not proud of the hyper-sexuality that led me to meet these unknown men from the internet. The fact it was dangerous never entered my head and my libido was in charge. I was already divorced for part of that time. For the beginning I had an open marriage in order to try to save our floundering marriage. It didn’t work. He found someone. He left and wanted a divorce. But I wasn’t really sorry as I wanted out and couldn’t be the one to break it up. We had kids. The youngest was 12 and went with him. The older 2 were adults. By the time the youngest turned 16 he demanded to live with me. I got my child back and became a single mother.
I no longer seek the internet for men, but the fantasies were out of control and when I told my therapist and psyche nurse they tweaked my medications. I have pretty much stopped fantasizing and/or daydreaming. I don’t have the daydreams of me and all the movie stars anymore either.
It was a dangerous life-style and I don’t recommend it for anyone who suffers extreme hyper-sexuality like I did. I was lucky and I saw a lot of men in that time period. Any one of them could have been a killer or at the very least hurt me. My therapist knows all about this, but was much relieved when he found I wasn’t doing it anymore. What are the odds that I would meet that one crazy one soon considering how many I saw.