Daily Archives: April 11, 2015

Nap didn’t work!

I came home from my brunch and felt like napping. I didn’t sleep much last night and then they was the incident which didn’t help the sleep either. I did lie down, but between my cat and several interruptions and the fact that I wasn’t really tired I guess because I kind of cat-napped.

I never did eat dinner. Wasn’t hungry. Finally got out of bed at 8:00 PM and started catching up on blogs. 

I finally heard back from my psyche nurse and she said the pharmacy never sent her the paperwork. The pharmacy said it did. Why must everything be so difficult.

I took all my medications and now I am going to catch up on my blog posts again and then read for a while and then try to sleep. I took my sleep meds so may help.


Apologies and Forgiveness

I want to relay a situation that happened to me without revealing the other players in the situation. This is not meant to hurt anyone else, but I have been hurting since it happened when we were 17 years old.

We were friends and a situation came up that I was fully against. My friend pushed and then threatened. I wasn’t strong enough to stand my ground and gave in. That situation changed our lives forever. Well it changed mine anyhow, I can only guess that it changed theirs. It didn’t help my mental state at all. I suffered and no one knew. One day I had a breakdown, my first, and finally had to see a therapist to help me over it.

We discussed it over and over. My friend was invited to come to a session so my feelings could be explained. They did come, but didn’t take it seriously and when asked to apologize threw out a “I’m sorry” in such a way as to be more sarcastic than anything else. When asked what they were apologizing for they said kind of sarcastically “Whatever the hell you’re upset about.”

That ruined the apology making it a non-apology as far as I am concerned. They certainly didn’t mean it. They didn’t even really care about anything except getting out of that office.

It was never brought up again except between me and my two therapists. I can’t forgive this person, but I think the biggest part is that I can’t forgive myself because I could have and should have said “NO!”

It was brought up to me that we were children at the time and that should make this less than the big deal I was making about it. I don’t buy that. We were 17, not so much children. They certainly knew what they were doing. I was afraid of life and being alone and so I tried to go on.

Now we only see one another during get together’s of mutual persons. This person’s name sets me off. I can feel the hatred (and I don’t like using that word, but that is what my feelings are) whenever their name is mentioned or I have to play nice at a mutual affair.

This left me with some serious emotional scars. 2 therapists have now tried to make me forgive them. I don’t know how. If they had broken my arm it would have healed, this scar is not healed.


How to Accept the Apology You Never Received

I have been suffering over something for most of my adult life and it all hinges on an apology for me to forgive and I am the one who is sufferring. I hope I can follow this through.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

In an ideal world, everyone that causes harm to another, either intentionally or unintentionally, would immediately offer up a genuine apology: accepting responsibility, acknowledging the pain, express empathy and remorse, immediately changing behavior and, if appropriate, making amends for the damage caused. But we know that rarely happens. And it never happens as quickly as we would like.

Instead, we receive a “sorry” tossed out with little thought and nothing to back it up. We hear, “I’ll do better” and better never comes. We may find that in place of an apology, we instead receive blame and misplaced anger as defensiveness leads instead of empathy. The apology may be discounted by the excuses that accompany it. We may see an utter lack of comprehension at the pain that was inflicted. Or we may just be listening to radio silence, waiting for an apology that never comes.

An apology that maybe we…

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Can’t sleep right and I just did the darnedest thing…

While up I took my sugar. Not so good, but not fully morning yet as it isn’t even 5:00 AM yet. It was 124.

But I just woke up and went to the drawer and took out cold medicine and took it. It seemed perfectly normal when I did it and I was awake and I did do it, I checked. Why in the world did I do that? I don’t’ have a cold or even symptoms. Do I blame it on the Ambien? I know I eat during the night thanks to that drug. Thankfully the medicine shouldn’t hurt me. I have taken it before even on medications.

It is really weird and I don’t usually wake up and just go do things. Something (a dream perhaps) told me to do that because I did it with a purpose. Those gel caps are hard to get apart from each other and then to open.

I decided to just take all my medications now since I am up and that way I won’t forget. I also took the detox and my inhaler and the nasty adrenal support tablets. I even drank a bottle and a half of water. I will be lying back down shortly to read and hopefully get drowsy enough to fall asleep again because I have to get up at 10.00 AM to go to my Saturday morning brunch with my BFF.

What a mystery this all is. I will read a few more blogs while I am at it. I didn’t get to all of them last night.


My room! – Non-fiction

My room! –   <—- link to original story


Clean your room! “Yes, Ma,” I bellow back!

I pick up the noticeable stuff in the pathway and then pick up my open book.

She’ll be happy. My room is never spectacularly clean.