Self-Harm revisited – Day 19 – 31 days of October link up


mental health badge for Oct

Back on day 2 I think it was, I posted the link to my article on “Self-Harm, It’s Not Just Cutting” on the mental health blog IBPF. International Bipolar Foundation.

The reason I am mentioning this again is that my self-harm has increased. I am so agitated that I can’t seem to help myself.

My fingers hurt from chewing on the nails and skin and all the way down to the palms, the scabs are ripped into pretty bad and my head hurts and I am not even touching it at the moment, but I can’t keep my fingers off of them. Good thing I don’t have nails or I would really tear my head apart. As I pull the scabs off my head and down through my hair it yanks my hair out. I am glad that I don’t cut at least. I would be a mess right now.

Last week I was upset and agitated about possibly running out of medication and now I am upset about the hidden memories surfacing during a nightmare. I can’t believe how upsetting they are. I don’t want to remember and I want them to disappear into my head again. I have found though, once they surface, they don’t go anywhere. You have to deal with them.

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26 thoughts on “Self-Harm revisited – Day 19 – 31 days of October link up

  1. Bipolarbrainiac

    October is a bad time of year. Also I have noticed when I blog about something sad, I revisit sad. So that may be it. When we write those blogs we are giving a bit of ourselves and it’s not a painless process. I have trichotillomania running thru my family. I used to do it. I worry about you. I’m glad you are reaching out. You’re a great gal and you are making great contributions to the people who matter most: Fellow recipients of adversity. We know. We have been there. We are there. We are you, too.

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  2. Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?)

    Oh honey! My heart breaks for you! 😢 Please seek help. You shouldn’t ever be in a place where you feel that your only option is self-harm. I’ve been there and done that. There are thousands upon thousands of resources or there. Please get yourself some help babe. It was just your birthday! You ought not be so unhappy. Xoxo M

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Melanie there are 2 posts here from you. I am working with my therapist on the self-harm. I have self-harmed since I was old enough to put my fingers in my mouth. I am 59 now. Parents thought yelling at me would stop it. It didn’t. Gloves just caused me to pull my hair out and now the scabs on my head are slightly healed at the moment. I have been a biter since I was a baby, like I said, as soon as I could maneuver my hands in my mouth. Probably one of the few infants who took tranquilizers. Took them through out my childhood and as a teen I heard voices tell me to cut. I did it several times but it didn’t give me the same result so I went back to my hand mainly and then right now everything is escalating out of my control. Thanks for your concern. I wish a birthday made me happy. It is just one more thing to get through.

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  3. Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?)

    Honey, I’m not sure if my other comment posted, but I want you to know that you need to stay strong and seek help! Don’t resort to harming yourself! Life is too short to be miserable. Please get the help you need! Xoxo M

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  4. Opinionated Man

    Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    I run from nightmares before I even fall asleep. I have self-harmed. There are those of us that understand and we also know our sympathy really isn’t helpful. You have my thoughts instead. Be strong. -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here, please visit their blog.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you Jason for your thoughts at this time. Rough time for me.But I am strong and will survive it. Thanks for the reblog. It is a subject that needs attention. A lot of people don’t realize that what they are doing is really self-harm and that they can get help for it if they really want to. I am thankful for your support.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      The self-harm isn’t just from the hidden memories. I am having severe anxiety and panic attacks about driving and where I will live when my dad passes on and so many things hitting me at once. At least I got my meds straightened out.

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          1. Thumbup

            So you had been afraid to drive all your life and yet you went and drove? Admirable! Damn, an accident? Geez. You know. What I do, I find a place where I don’t have to depend on transportation of any kind. Where I am now used to be way better than it is now. Everything was close by, no need for transportation. Just walk here to there no problem.

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            1. Tessa Post author

              Where I live everything is spread out. I had to drive 45 minutes one way to work at several jobs. My dad made me learn. He drug me there and forced me to learn. I am glad that he did, but I don’t drive anymore than I have to. My kids drive most of the time when we are going to the same place. And at night, forget it. Can’t see, no perspective.

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      1. bringbackhisgirls

        I am praying that you would feel and know Jesus is holding your hand through this.
        “But now thus says the Lord,
        he who created you, O Jacob,
        he who formed you, O Israel:
        ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
        I have called you by name, you are mine.
        When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
        and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
        when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
        and the flame shall not consume you.
        For I am the Lord your God,
        the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
        I give Egypt as your ransom,
        Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
        Because you are precious in my eyes,
        and honored, and I love you,
        I give men in return for you,
        peoples in exchange for your life.'”
        (Isaiah 43:1-4, ESV). Those “peoples” given in exchange for your life speaks ultimately of Jesus Himself. Remember how precious, honored, and loved you are in Christ’s eyes– precious enough to spill His own innocent blood, so that you would never have to. Keep in mind that Jesus Himself is our Peace (Ephesians 2:13-15). Draw near to Jesus; He will be and give you the Peace you need. Praying for you, Tessa. Let Him be your strength (Psalm 28:7). Much Love in Christ, AnnaLee

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  5. bringbackhisgirls

    Praying for you, Tessa. Jesus is near. Keep in mind that He Himself is our Peace (Ephesians 2:13-15).
    “But now thus says the Lord,
    he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
    ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
    when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
    For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
    I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
    Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
    I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life'”
    (Isaiah 43:1-4, ESV).
    Know that ultimately, “the peoples” spoken of here is Christ Himself. Remember how special, honored, and loved you are by Christ– enough to spill His own precious blood, so that you would never have to. He Himself is our Peace (Ephesians 2:13-15); rest in Him, and let Him be your strength (Psalm 28:7). Be blessed tonight, Tessa. Much Love in Christ, Annalee

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