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For the record, I am not ashamed of my Bipolar Disorder or my other mental health conditions or the physical disorders that have disabled me. I am thankful that I can still walk a little. I am not ready for a wheel chair. As long as I can hobble along I will do that.

For the first half of my  life I  had no idea what was wrong. Now I know and it doesn’t shame me. I am still a human being that just has a disease like any other. There are doctors to treat this disease and therapy to help us through it. We just need to clear up the stigma and shame put on us by others, whether well meaning or not.

I won’t say it hasn’t affected my life because it has. I have had some bad experiences because of it. I have trouble with medications and this is the first time in my life that I can say that I am sort of stabilized. Missing 2 days of pills really messed things up and I am not quite up to par and might have to talk to my APN nurse about whether she thinks I should try something else. I don’t think it is that bad yet and it scares me trying again. I will leave it for now.

I have finally realized that I am not a useless human being. I was never ashamed, but I knew I was different and sometimes had no control over my behavior. I didn’t even know why I was acting like I was.

I have found out that I must have medications to control the moods and without them another trip to the hospital is certainly possible. I am getting my life under control, but that doesn’t mean that those horrible feelings of suicide won’t creep up again. Some days I just can’t stand going through another day like this.

My Bipolar has made me stronger. I am unique and talented, not useless. My writing being praised and accepted for publication has me gaining self-esteem. I am actually starting to like myself. I was a long way from there. I hated myself all of my life.

I feel God’s love and influence in my life. I trust him to take care of me and my troubles and to point me in the right direction. There is a plan and he saved me from suicide so my use to him has not been met. I am still here to complete my plan.

I never thought I would return to God after 40 years of pushing him away. I think that if I had stayed and stuck with him all this time, maybe, just maybe, my life would be different. Maybe not, like I said he has a plan and I have possibly been living it all this time. Someone was taking care of me, although Satan had his fingers in the pie as well. I knew right from wrong, but I chose to do certain things that were not right. No one forced me. I chose my path. I have asked for forgiveness and I believe he has forgiven me and life will go on while I work on his plans for me.



  1. jannatwrites

    I’ve played with the “what ifs” too. But you are right in that God had a plan for us, and some of the best lessons are learned by making the most painful mistakes. I’m glad you’ve accepted who you are and are ready to be whoever God is leading you to become…. he’s given you a voice 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Pingback: You are perfect… | Annas Art - FärgaregårdsAnna

  3. astridswords

    Tessa, you have every right to not be ashamed! Medical conditions do not define us, they are challenges that assist our strength as a person. Keep living your life as the person you are and enjoy all the discoveries meant for your person. You are an inspiration =)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. paininzeeback

    Tessa, never be ashamed of who you are or any conditions you have. Your story is mine. I knew from a very young age that I was different but I didn’t know why. I was 42 before I was diagnosed. I have been stabilized for eleven years on Lamictal. I love Lamictal because I have zero side effects.
    Although many were painful, my choices throughout life have made me the person I am today. I struggle to feel good about myself every day. I think the only time I do feel good about myself is when I am able to help someone else because of what I have been through.
    Everything about your story hit home with me, including the suicide attempts and the issues with God.
    Thank you so much for sharing. I am new here and I would like very much to share your story. I am not sure if I am supposed to ask permission first. So many of us need to know that we are not alone.
    Phone is broken. I hope this actually posts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tessa Post author

      You may share it, by all means. It is meant to help as many as possible. I would appreciate it if you share it. Some do ask permission, but I usually don’t. As long as a share or reblog button are there I share it. And I agree, helping others really helps me feel better as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. paininzeeback

    Reblogged this on paininzeeback and commented:
    I could relate to everything Tessa has to say here. I have been bi-polar my whole life. Too many are suffering in silence which I why I feel this story needs to be seen. Thank you for sharing with us, Tessa.


  6. mentalbreakinprogress

    Beautiful Tessa! 🙂 So glad we have crossed paths:) Way to own who you are! Unfortunately the stigma related to mental illness is still out there but it’s people like you…not afraid to stand tall in the face of stigma…that’s what takes stigma down a peg or two. I know for myself, blogging has been a wonderful outlet and I have received nothing but love from the WordPress community…a rare find online! lol I wish you all the best and I look forward to connecting with you again 🙂 Take care! 🙂 – Cavelle


      1. mentalbreakinprogress

        Awesome! Lol two blogs!? Wow lol you’ve got your ducks in a row for sure lol I don’t think I could take on two blogs…sometimes I wonder why I’m trying to keep up with one! But I know why, it’s a rewarding experience! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. alfgarnet

    U young lady are a strong beautiful person.and have nothing to be ashamed off.your blog bears open to all who u realy are…and some of these meds send one right up the wall.and stop sleep totally.which is bad when all your brain wants to do is talk about every little mistake you have made every day if your life..you hunny stay strong… huggies

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tessa Post author

      You are so sweet. I am strong. I survived all these years with bipolar which has affected my brain and I am working on kicking what I can to feel better. Huggies back xxx



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