For the record, I am not ashamed of my Bipolar Disorder or my other mental health conditions or the physical disorders that have disabled me. I am thankful that I can still walk a little. I am not ready for a wheel chair. As long as I can hobble along I will do that.
For the first half of my life I had no idea what was wrong. Now I know and it doesn’t shame me. I am still a human being that just has a disease like any other. There are doctors to treat this disease and therapy to help us through it. We just need to clear up the stigma and shame put on us by others, whether well meaning or not.
I won’t say it hasn’t affected my life because it has. I have had some bad experiences because of it. I have trouble with medications and this is the first time in my life that I can say that I am sort of stabilized. Missing 2 days of pills really messed things up and I am not quite up to par and might have to talk to my APN nurse about whether she thinks I should try something else. I don’t think it is that bad yet and it scares me trying again. I will leave it for now.
I have finally realized that I am not a useless human being. I was never ashamed, but I knew I was different and sometimes had no control over my behavior. I didn’t even know why I was acting like I was.
I have found out that I must have medications to control the moods and without them another trip to the hospital is certainly possible. I am getting my life under control, but that doesn’t mean that those horrible feelings of suicide won’t creep up again. Some days I just can’t stand going through another day like this.
My Bipolar has made me stronger. I am unique and talented, not useless. My writing being praised and accepted for publication has me gaining self-esteem. I am actually starting to like myself. I was a long way from there. I hated myself all of my life.
I feel God’s love and influence in my life. I trust him to take care of me and my troubles and to point me in the right direction. There is a plan and he saved me from suicide so my use to him has not been met. I am still here to complete my plan.
I never thought I would return to God after 40 years of pushing him away. I think that if I had stayed and stuck with him all this time, maybe, just maybe, my life would be different. Maybe not, like I said he has a plan and I have possibly been living it all this time. Someone was taking care of me, although Satan had his fingers in the pie as well. I knew right from wrong, but I chose to do certain things that were not right. No one forced me. I chose my path. I have asked for forgiveness and I believe he has forgiven me and life will go on while I work on his plans for me.