I am sinking lower in everything, just falling apart.


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Months ago I was doing good. I lost some weight, drank 9 bottles of water a day, quit soda, caffeine, artificial sugar and a lot of the carbs and ate some fruits and vegetables each day.

I felt better. My moods were under control and I felt healthier and had more energy for sure.

Now I am addicted to caffeine soda again, but no diet. But that is bad for my diabetes and I  have been afraid to check it not to mention I had 3  steroid shots this last 3 month period. I am not watching my carbs.

My moods are out of control and not sure if it is still from missing 2 days or losing its potency or the fact that my diet is completely out of whack again.

I am depressed as hell and not getting out of bed.

I need a taskmaster. One that won’t listen to my whining excuses.

Because of how great I felt a few months ago I can truly say that diet does have a part in my mood control and how I feel even physically. Cutting out Aspartame reduced some of my pain. My chiropractor and Jonathan are both right in pushing me, but obviously not hard enough.

I have been forgetting my vitamins that were specified by my chiropractor for this and that. I am in the “I don’t care about life” stage.

I want to help people, but that is hard to do when you feel like death and dying yourself. No I am not thinking suicide at the moment. I am not that seriously depressed yet.

My anxiety is high, my self-harming is out of control, but no cutting. I am not that far out and hope I don’t because I have cut before.

I hate using the reader and I know I am missing a lot of people I read. I gather it only stays there til the new stuff comes in and pushes it down the list. The things I notice the most are all the prompts I use in my writing. I like doing them, but most are not to be found.

OK I guess that is enough whining for now. I don’t suppose anyone wants to hear about how bad my Fibromyalgia hurts right now and that is food regulated too from what the studies say. Sugar being a big no-no.

Tessa (grumpy as all get out)

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53 thoughts on “I am sinking lower in everything, just falling apart.

  1. mentalbreakinprogress

    (((hugs))) This too shall pass Tessa! ❤ I know, hard to see it that way right now and boy can I relate to you on the weight thing…I had lost like 10 lbs just a few months ago…then I let life happen and I'm right back to square one…again oh and did I mention I picked up smoking again? And right now do I feel like taking control of my vices…nope…but that doesn't mean I have given up or forgotten about it. I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for things like this but as you might have guessed…it doesn't exactly help lol there is one thing I like to do though that keeps my mood elevated when I just can't to seem to find the good….I stick on my headphones and listen to my favorite music…sometimes that music manages to make me cry depending on the song lol but just to have an emotional release is nice. It's nice you have your blog to help you break it all down so it's not so overwhelming. My blog has been some of the best therapy ever 🙂 Take Care ❤

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you for the kind words. Having bipolar I get like this a lot. My meds seem to be failing and I hate the thought of going through medication trials again. My depression gets so bad I become suicidal. Been in the hospital before already. Don’t want to repeat that. Horrible place to be. I have been listening to soothing music I especially love the music with water sounds. Thanks again. ❤

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      1. mentalbreakinprogress

        You’re most welcome! Yeah! I love the nature sounds and the ocean 🙂 Very relaxing lol I just close my eyes and pretend I’m on vacation sipping on a margarita lol

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  2. Ava Savage

    Hi Tessa I’m right there with you, I’m not eating right gained back what I had lost. And struggling with more pain from weather getting cold and weight gain. Feeling at odds with holidays coming. You are not alone we all love you.

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  3. jncthedc

    I hope this helps you see just how important nutrition is in balancing emotions. My first question would be, “what triggered the negative change in diet when you saw how much better you were feeling?” As you give this question some thought, begin meal planning again to avoid the temptations that hormones play when you eat for convenience. As the nutrients help chemically stabilize your mood, the mind becomes clearer and functions more efficiently. This will help get you back on track. Good luck.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Off the top of my head I would say it was because my son stopped cooking and started eating out again. I don’t cook. He keeps saying he will, but he is working night shifts now. So my no cooking is one thing. I did so good with the soda, but I had one one day and that did me in. I am in bed all day and half the night so I don’t get any water and that makes me really feel like crap. Dry, nasty tasting mouth. My sleep was better during that time too. Not I am way over eating. heaven only knows how much I gained back. I am basically doing everything I shouldn’t. I also went back to the sleeping pills. all of it at once really not a good thing. Not one bad thing at a time, everything. I need luck.

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      1. jncthedc

        We can all use good luck. I think even more beneficial is a pattern of behavior. If you create this it reduces stress by providing what you need by pre-planning. There are lots of excuses that people provide explaining their inability to create new healthier patterns of living. Most of the time I have to gently remind them that I agree with their assessment; they are just EXCUSES. It is difficult to help people who focus more on excuses than answers. I can offer guidance, but I can’t change attitudes or actions. People need to be open to this concept to reap the benefits. Wishing you much success on refocusing on better patterns and better healthier outcomes.

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        1. Tessa Post author

          Well at least I know they are excuses. Doesn’t stop them, but I am aware. Still an excuse, but one of my problems is that I am no longer manic for long. When manic for long periods I even tend to cook. Mood swings are hell to work through. Mania has its down points too. I cooked through my marriage of 23 years and there is a strong possibility that my refusal to cook is linked to that stressful time. I never really enjoyed it, but I didn’t hate it like I do now. And he was a pain about food, he was just a pain period. I need to associate it to happy times. Food still reminds me of divorce, divorce was unhappy time, but marriage was worse. Boy I am really messed up. Maybe I ought to talk to therapist about my refusal to cook and why. I need success on refocusing, thanks.

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  4. Inchcock

    I wish I could be with you to help. Swinging moods make one think of all the things we shouldn’t – if that makes sense to you gal. I’m sending cuddle through the ether and warm wishes things will improve. X

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  5. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    Oh piddle. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. The steroid shots don’t help either, so don’t blame it all on yourself. You had a rough go with your friend and that’s when things went in the pooper.
    Now, you can get back to better moods-you have lots of support here and with Son. We all ride the waves, and hopefully yours is finally reached its peak before coming down. Love you lady. Hang in there, and we are all here for you, even if you need to whine 😊😉. (I understand about the Aspartame and fibro. My aunt greatly reduced her diet coke intake and her symptoms lessened) Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have this big ass speed bumps along our way.💗💗💗💗

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thanks Sass! Steroid shots affect us. I usually get 2 every 3 months and this time there were 3 and one was a full on steroid shot, not mixed with lidocaine.

      Your know I was thinking of my friend this morning. it wasn’t pleasant LOL!. Jerk!

      thanks for being here and I love you too. I try to be strong for everyone else, but it doesn’t always work that way. Some days I just have to whine.

      Thanks for the support and love and no whining today. I won’t promised that though. Like you said we all hit the speed bumps and I am rapid cycling again. ❤ ❤

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  6. Screaming Jean

    I’m so sorry Tessa that you’re having a bad time, you’re being too hard on yourself, I think you are doing remarkably well, sometimes it is so hard for us to see that when we’ve been used to having it easier with bipolar etc. Carry on pushing through, I know you can do it Tessa.

    Sending lots of good vibes and love your way xxxxxx

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you Jean. I am feeling better today, a little bit any how. I didn’t spend all day in bed and that’s an improvement. I was stable for 8 months and forgot how hard these mood swings are. Might be time for moods assessment and another med. There aren’t many left I haven’t tried.

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      1. Screaming Jean

        I know what you mean, to be honest I spend a hell of a lot of time in bed since my decline in July, it’s my only way of getting through these times. Thinking of you Tessa, always here if you want a chat.

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          1. Screaming Jean

            Tell me about it, that’s what I’m scared about too, the last place on earth I want to be right now is be in hospital. It can keep you safe but is so stressful.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Today is better. It helps sometimes to have rapid mood swings. Although I feel up and down way too much lol. You tell them to quit fiddling with things that ain’t broke for me??? 🙂

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thanks for praying for me. It wasn’t exactly my aim to be interesting. Just getting it off my chest and that is part of what this blog is about. My life and my feelings. My story blog is more interesting to someone who doesn’t suffer from mental illness. thanks for the feedback.

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  7. bringbackhisgirls

    Tessa,
    I’m so sorry for your feeling this way… How are you doing now? I pray you are doing better, and that your mood swings will be more stabilized in the future.
    I have no idea about how it is to be bipolar, with such horrible mood swings. I know that many times, you cannot help but feel this way, and you need medication to handle it, along with the healthier lifestyle you have mentioned above. But, ultimately, I want to encourage you with this scripture. “Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were interpreting for the people said to them, ‘Don’t mourn or weep on such a day as this! For today is a sacred day before the Lord your God.’ For the people had all been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
    And Nehemiah continued, ‘Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength'” (Nehemiah 8:8-10)!

    Christ calls to you to come to Him for your strength, comfort, and refuge when you find yourself broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18); He also wants to be the source of your Joy, no matter how you feel! Many people think Joy is an emotion like happiness, but it is much deeper than that; and truly, it can only come from Jesus. Happiness, like all of our emotions, change frequently, based upon our circumstances (such as the hormone levels in our brains), but Joy is grounded in knowing Jesus, no matter what is going on around us or inside of us.
    Here are some verses to think upon about Joy:
    “Though you have not seen him [Jesus], you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls” (1 Peter 1:8-9).
    “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).
    “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things” (Galatians 5:22-23)!
    “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

    As the verse in Galatians states, Joy is a “fruit” of Jesus’ Spirit in you; we can not muster it up, and though we can try to “fake it,” true Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control can only come naturally, from knowing Jesus more closely, and yielding to His complete control over our lives. We can’t “work” for it, and we won’t be perfect in it, of course, until we finally go to heaven. But the closer we are to Him, the more this fruit will be seen and tasted in our lives by both us and others. Although it seems impossible, we can experience Joy even in sorrow. For, “[We] can do everything through Christ, who gives [us] strength” (Philippians 4:13, NLT, “we” and “us” mine).

    I pray that Jesus would fill you with His Love, Peace, Joy, and every single other fruit of His Spirit as you get close to, believe in, and trust in Him all the more. He’s right there, Tessa! Don’t lose heart.

    Please keep in touch about how you are faring! I also pray that Christ would “strengthen you and keep you from the evil one” as you come near to Christ Jesus (2 Thess 3:3). Jesus loves you, Tessa, and we do too. ❤

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  8. astridswords

    Tessa, Please always try to love the gift of your person and feel free to share your words. It is still a great inspiration to hear your efforts. Take it one day at a time and know that you are still a gift in this world =)

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you. I am doing much better with my med increase. I have an appt on the 8th to discuss further medication options or if we stay where I am at. I am actually feeling excited about writing again. Take care of yourself.xxx

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