New Medication Changes, still wild woman, but I promise to behave LOL!


Ok today I saw my psych nurse. She had raised my Cymbalta 2 weeks ago to the top amount of 120 mg. It was great at first. My depression started to drop and then bam I went manic and things went wrong. Things I still feel bad about.

Anyhow the consensus was that we are leaving the Cymbalta at 120 mg and increasing the anti-psychotic Trilafon from 4 mg to 6 mg in the hope of stabilizing again. I have to stabilize otherwise I spend depressed moods contemplating suicide and I am better off able to do it this time. If I am manic I become wild woman, everyone and everything pisses me off. I am extremely agitated and angry. The hypersexual is kicking in, but not in the mood for actual sex, thank God because I would have to go back to searching for strangers again.

I don’t want to go there again. Dangerous and the possibility of disease. I was lucky I encountered neither. I was fine while I had my friend (fwb). I got out all my wild woman fantasies and he was equal to me without him being bipolar and hypersexual.

I am working on a project. I don’t know if I will finish it. It can be worked on at any time. I will confess that I have been a writer long before these blogs. The emails started in 2006 so at least 9 years or more. I write very explicit erotica. Very alternative sex and fetishes. This is what hypersexuality from bipolar does to me. Some of it is fantasy and some of it is reality. I don’t feel normal although he convinced me that it was ok. Talking about it with my therapist we are trying to decide if my early life experiences caused this or I was born this way. It has been a couple of years now since we engaged in our sex play and now he has walked out of my life and I intend to control myself. I have asked God for forgiveness and help in curbing those feelings.

So my secret is that I started a 3rd blog which is a diary of a master and his slave. The emails are perfect. Fantasies and the wild erotica I wrote. I may not finish it, but it is keeping me out of trouble right now while manic.

As long as my medications work they should also control those urges. I prefer mania until this stuff starts. I can’t control myself very well. I get aggressive, anxious and agitated. I am sitting up here trying not to scream. Door slamming, car door slamming, the freaking cat are all driving me nuts. My dad yelled at me all night about everything. It is hard being  treated like a child and getting yelled out by your dad at almost 60 years old.

ALSO, EITHER EVERYONE I USED TO READ HAS QUIT WRITING OR THIS READER IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. I RARELY SEE BLOGS FROM MY FIRST FRIENDS. I PREFERRED THE EMAILS. I COULD KEEP ONES I WANTED TO LOOK AT AGAIN AND I GOT THEM ALL. CLOSE TO 400 OR MORE A DAY. I DON’T EVEN THINK I GET 100 ANYMORE AND THEY ARE MOST NEWLY FOLLOWED BLOGS.

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20 thoughts on “New Medication Changes, still wild woman, but I promise to behave LOL!

  1. Zoe

    Tessa, I use writing to escape my emotions and thoughts too. I’m also very aggressive and angry. So I write stories of battles in fantasy worlds and conflicts that let me channel that rage in a productive and creative way! So if writing erotica helps you with the hyper sexual feelings, keep at it. Hope the medicine adjustment works!

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. Jess Melancholia

        Oh my God I am so jealous. When my bipolar hypersexuality kicked in I got myself in so much trouble. Almost ruined my marriage. Maybe I’ll try writing next time that comes around. Thank you so very much for sharing this. It’s hard because we feel so ashamed and it IS super dangerous.

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  2. jacquelineobyikocha

    I wonder? Maybe the problem is with the reader or could it possibly be your settings? Its quite brave of you to speak so frankly about your feelings, especially knowing all the challenges that you face. It is really good that you are using your writing in such a positive way.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Tessa Post author

      It could be the reader. I don’t know what I am doing with it. sort of bumbling around. Thank you. I told myself that I would be honest and if it helps others I will be glad. I said it before I am not ashamed of my bipolar or my actions due to it. It is me and I am not ashamed of me. Just helping one person is an achievement.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  3. jncthedc

    People sometimes correspond and then take a break as their time becomes limited. Don’t take it personally. I have seen many comments on your site and it is obvious you are greatly cared for. Good luck with finding the right pharmaceutical balance.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. jannatwrites

    I read your posts in email but don’t always make it over here to comment. I do admire the fact you write what is and don’t sugar coat the not-so-pleasant stuff. Sometimes life isn’t pretty. We should all be a bit more vulnerable and honest. I think in our suffering is where we find the real human connections.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  5. davebarclay1954

    Tessa, I’m so sorry that changing your meds caused this manic return to hypersexuality, I hope you can get it under control again. Just as well you didn’t act out again, it’s dangerous out there now. Thoughts and prayers with you as always, xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you Dave. Something to keep me busy with little chance of danger is a good thing. I told my therapist, that this would be better than the old ways of grabbing a perfect stranger.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    1. Tessa Post author

      I don’t use my phone for WP. Only in emergencies and they have to be short emergencies. WP took my emails away. I just got them back around a week ago so even though I can’t keep up I can keep the ones I want to keep.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
        1. Tessa Post author

          Yes thank heavens. I wasn’t getting any body I knew in the reader. Only occasionally would one come through that I knew. I was really upset. orbb contacted somebody and all I had to do was post something wherever she set it up and it took a few days and then boom email galore.

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