Ok today I saw my psych nurse. She had raised my Cymbalta 2 weeks ago to the top amount of 120 mg. It was great at first. My depression started to drop and then bam I went manic and things went wrong. Things I still feel bad about.
Anyhow the consensus was that we are leaving the Cymbalta at 120 mg and increasing the anti-psychotic Trilafon from 4 mg to 6 mg in the hope of stabilizing again. I have to stabilize otherwise I spend depressed moods contemplating suicide and I am better off able to do it this time. If I am manic I become wild woman, everyone and everything pisses me off. I am extremely agitated and angry. The hypersexual is kicking in, but not in the mood for actual sex, thank God because I would have to go back to searching for strangers again.
I don’t want to go there again. Dangerous and the possibility of disease. I was lucky I encountered neither. I was fine while I had my friend (fwb). I got out all my wild woman fantasies and he was equal to me without him being bipolar and hypersexual.
I am working on a project. I don’t know if I will finish it. It can be worked on at any time. I will confess that I have been a writer long before these blogs. The emails started in 2006 so at least 9 years or more. I write very explicit erotica. Very alternative sex and fetishes. This is what hypersexuality from bipolar does to me. Some of it is fantasy and some of it is reality. I don’t feel normal although he convinced me that it was ok. Talking about it with my therapist we are trying to decide if my early life experiences caused this or I was born this way. It has been a couple of years now since we engaged in our sex play and now he has walked out of my life and I intend to control myself. I have asked God for forgiveness and help in curbing those feelings.
So my secret is that I started a 3rd blog which is a diary of a master and his slave. The emails are perfect. Fantasies and the wild erotica I wrote. I may not finish it, but it is keeping me out of trouble right now while manic.
As long as my medications work they should also control those urges. I prefer mania until this stuff starts. I can’t control myself very well. I get aggressive, anxious and agitated. I am sitting up here trying not to scream. Door slamming, car door slamming, the freaking cat are all driving me nuts. My dad yelled at me all night about everything. It is hard being treated like a child and getting yelled out by your dad at almost 60 years old.