Daily Archives: June 12, 2016



I am a night owl. Even as an infant I did not sleep at night. My mom used to wish a baby like me on me. She succeeded. I had 2 non-sleepers and 1 that slept 22 hours out of 24. She only woke to eat. Now if I had baby number 3 first I wouldn’t have any more kids because he ate every 30 minutes and it was a full 8 ounce bottle. I had to give up breast feeding him.

I am in my late 50’s and still can’t sleep well. Now part of the problem is the Bipolar Disorder. As a young child and through my teens my parents were quite aggravated with me because I didn’t sleep for months on end. I simply didn’t need it. They had no idea there was something wrong with me. When I was a child there wasn’t much talk about mental illness. I also suffered through extreme anxiety and as an infant they did put me on something to soothe me so I could eat. My nerves were so bad that I tore the nails and skin off of my hands. I still do this and I take 4 mg of clonazepam every day. I had gotten over it for awhile and the panic attacks slowed down, but now the stress is overcoming my anxiety medicine and my hands are a mess again.

I have probably never had a full night’s sleep. I am lucky if I can get to sleep within hours of downing a prescription sleep medicine (Ambien), the anxiety  medicine (Clonazapam) and an over-the-counter sleep aid. It lasts an hour, 2 if I am lucky. I spend the night and then the day sleeping a half an hour or so at a time. The Ambien no longer puts me to sleep or helps me stay asleep or get back to sleep after I wake up. The drs no longer know what to try. I take enough meds to put an elephant asleep and I am up all night and cat nap during the day.

Now there are some other reasons I might not sleep right or keep being woken up. I hear voices. I swear someone is calling my name, but no one is in the room or close enough for me to hear. I am hard of hearing, 1 bad ear and 1 partial loss. The hallucinations, you can only imagine what I see, but the weirdest was the dancing Mahjong tiles.

The cat keeps meowing and roaming around knocking things down. She has also been known to flat out land on my stomach or back.

And there’s the Fibromyalgia. The pain is getting worse. Every trigger point hurts. The pins and needles, burning feeling is over most of my body usually at the same time. Combine that with the other physical pain and I can’t find a way to lie down that doesn’t hurt. It hurts so bad I can’ even have someone hug me. Sitting here right now writing this and my butt hurts. Pressure points. My rheumatologist gives me injections in the trigger points as well as specific pain spots. Don’t get much relief and the Cymbalta doesn’t seem to help with the Fibro pain.

I am currently in a depression, but we increased the Cymbalta and it seems to be helping. I am no longer wishing to leave this earth at least. We have to watch that the mood stabilzer, Perphenazine, stays in control of the mania which increased the last time we increased my Cymbalta. Just can’t seem to find a good place nor stay there. I rapid cycle now when not medicated due to Borderline Personality Disorder being added to my list of mental health list. Along with the OCD, PTSD and ADHD.

BUT to be honest I prefer the mania to the deep depression. When depressed I don’t get out of bed. I am not sleeping, I am moping and thoughts are racing through my head. Even prone to mixed states.

All I want for Christmas is a good night’s sleep.


I want my mania back…

This was written during my first hospital stay after suicide attempt. Most of it still stands now.


If you ask most people suffering from Bipolar Disorder which phase they prefer, a majority of them would say the manic phase. I suffer terribly from the deep depression. I don’t get out of bed except to eat and to spend some time with my son and dad or if I have another engagement or one of my many doctor appointments.

I lie there in bed and the thoughts run through my mind: get up, no, get up and do something, no, okay I am going to get up in 5 minutes…5 minutes later still lying in bed. I give up on that and lie there.

Next I start worrying about my future. It looks pretty bleak from this view. I am getting older, I am on Social Security Disability and don’t make enough to live on, how am I going to survive and live on my own. I live with my Dad right now and so does my son.

I worry about my children, I am a mom I can’t help it. You don’t just stop worrying about them when they are adults, just ask my Dad (my mom has passed on, but she worried too).

I worry about the depression worsening and that I will go back to wishing I was dead. That upsets the family and friends. I have learned to tell my doctor and the nurse who prescribes my medications rather than obsessing about it. I tried it once. It was not a pleasant experience. I upset my family causing tears and extra worry about me. I ended up locked in a psyche ward and man that wasn’t any fun. I got put on medications that made things worse, but now my nurse has me under much better control. She changed what the hospital’s psychiatrist put me on, but we are still tweaking and I am still very depressed although not considering suicide.

I had a slight manic phase a few months ago. It was not a wild one. I was still able to control it, but it gave me energy and I got out of bed and I worked really hard on my hoard. I became active in my online groups on hoarding and cluttering. I am a low level hoarder, but I still had piles of stuff on the floor (still do) and you walked through small paths and every flat surface was covered in a deep pile of junk and I even lost some of my meds in it. That is not good. Now that I am depressed again it is going back to the way it was. Having my depression running rampant or stabilized is not working for me. I need just a slight mania to give me energy and interest in the world around me.