Many of you have seen this picture of me before. I was 16 and didn’t believe in God. I believed in me. I was selfish and wanted everything to be about me. Flirting in lust and with someone else’s boyfriend. I have asked for forgiveness for all my morally wrong sins. I didn’t go illegal. No pot for this girl and no cigarettes EVER!! Never tried them.
I looked loose and fast, but looks can be deceiving. I was what they called a tease “watching my language here.”
Nothing pleased me more than open admiration by the males around me. My biggest thrill was to watch a man squeal brakes trying to stop he was so into watching me. No one was ever hurt in this process. I was young and this was the beginning of my Bipolar’s control over my sexual habits called Hypersexuality.
Here I am at 17. I had an hourglass figure and had to wear hip huggers because if the waist fit the hips didn’t, This Virgin’s obsession with sex was getting harder to control, but I wanted to wait until I was at least 18.
At 17 I was still continuing to tease. Some would say I got what I deserve. I say I should be able to go dressed sexily without the worry of being raped. I had 2 attempted rapes and then the emotional rape by my boyfriend below. It turned me off sex, but not sexy dressing.
This is my now ex-husband and I at 17 and on the Jersey Shore boardwalk. Not too long after this he emotionally raped me. I was forced to say yes. It was the end of our happy relationship and the beginning of hell.
I recently found out I had a miscarriage at age 17 not too long after our sexual relationship started. I thought it was a clot, like I would sometimes get. Not too long ago I was looking at a gestation chart and realized it looked like a fetus. I never forgot that in all those years.
I was married for 23 years and we divorced in 1999. He is still with the woman he hooked up with. He was supposed to marry her and hasn’t yet. Long engagement if they ever do get married. He was in a hurry to marry her too. Nibby nose is curious as hell as to why he didn’t marry her back in 1980. None of my business.
All our live children were born after marriage. Unfortunately the miscarriage was a blessing. We weren’t ready to be parents at 17. We were too young for everything dealing with sex and marriage.
I regret those days, but there is no way to change things. I am a Christian now and God forgives me. During mania I try to keep the hypersexuality under control. It is a bonafide symptom of Bipolar.
Perhaps if I had said no to him firmly he wouldn’t have left me and life would have been different. (That was his threat and we had just made up).
PS We hardly had sex during our marriage. Enough to have 3 kids. 🙂
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses
-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems