Days like these are when suicide does cross my mind.
I am in so much pain. 40 years of chronic pain and this being has finally hit enough already. When does the pain stop. Why am I in so much pain? So much for God’s plan. What the hell is it already that it demands I be in constant, gut wrenching PAIN?
I have to ration the few pain pills I have for sleep hours so I can finally drift off only to wake up as it wears off. I take another one and since I don’t have enough for 2 a day I am going to run out and then I don’t know where I will stand.
I didn’t cry much despite all this pain in the last 40 years, but enough is enough is enough already. I need a fucking break from all of this.
My pain management appointment isn’t until October 17 and will have no medicine unless the orthopedic dr will relent and write me another script for some more. I have a 13 page document to fill out just to go to this pain dr. Filling out paperwork drives me crazy. They don’t even read it. They just have to have it in the record, but 13 pages for crying out loud. And I have to agree to constant drug tests to make sure I am taking the medications they prescribe and of course I have to pay for it. If I fuck up and take more than the actual dose or less than I could fail the drug tests and be thrown out of the practice. I also could end up addicted to a narcotic and have to make sure I don’t lose my meds or mess up the dosage as I will have to go to the hospital for withdrawal. Another rule I have to sign for. All because people abuse the drugs those of us who need them have to suffer.
I don’t want to need these drugs. I take so many drugs now and really who wants more. I don’t get high off of them I get a little pain relief if that.
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses
-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems