Tessa Can Do It! She has to…trying not to just give up.

I started this trip at the ER. My first stop after the station was the orthopedic dr. There the original hope he gave me was snatched back and I was back on the tracks leading to pain management with not a lot of hope to travel with me. Appointments are hard to get and I have to wait. The longer I wait the worse it gets physically and mentally. I am finding it hard not to just give up hope that I will ever be pain-free again. I haven’t been for 40 years (and longer if you count my childhood problems), so where’s the miracle cure going to come from? How do I find that miracle I so much want to believe in.

The closer that appointment comes the more anxiety is building up. I have been told by the dr’s office that this train could veer off the tracks to another track leading to a neurosurgeon rather than just pain management out of which I will probably end up addicted to narcotics if the steroid shots don’t work and they weren’t very successful 7 years ago. I still lived in pain, just a lesser amount. You know they make sure you understand that those shots can make it better, make it worse or simply not work. My neck responded for almost 7 years with very little flare-ups, but my back did not respond at all and continually got worse. The chiropractor was supposed to help, but I cannot say he did really. He claimed he could fix all of my problems and without medications. Of course he pushed expensive nutrients, but no prescription medications. I finally had to tell him that he needed either to try something different or our relationship was over because I was worse off after an adjustment and simply suffered to the next appointment. So he tried to be gentler. I went less often and then this whole mess flared into a much worse situation. When I heard I had several pinched nerves I refused to have him mess with them. Part of me said one wrong movement and he could paralyze me. My faith in chiropractic care is not very strong and when you start messing with damaged nerves it scares me a lot.

This brings me to the religious part. I don’t understand what all this means in God’s plan for me. Back to am I being punished for some past sin, maybe one from another life if you believe in past lives (reincarnation)?

I am thankful to be alive, but I can’t find it in my heart to be thankful I am alive to suffer. I know pain is subjective. I know that some people have it much worse than I, but right now I am focused on me and how I feel. I can pray for others and their pain and suffering and I pray for mine, but it sure is harder when the pain is never gone, always getting worse.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You bet I am and most of us do in this situation except for a few who get past this point without feeling sorry for themselves and have put all their faith in God. This is one of the reasons I gave up on God for 40 years. I don’t understand the suffering that is in this world or the killing either for that matter. What is it supposed to accomplish. I have been told God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. So this proves that I am stronger so heap on the pain?

You know I can’t lie, sit or stand without pain. There is nowhere to escape it. The pain pills are either not working or I am getting used to them and they don’t work as well. I can tell when they are about to wear off. I wake up almost to the hour they are due again.

I still have a week and a half before my pain management appointment. I will run out of pain medicine on that day as well or maybe the day before if I miscalculated which I will figure out closer to the date so I can spread them out if need be.

Tessa Can Do It hardly seems the right name for this blog right now. Will I do it, of course I will, I am stronger than I give myself credit for and for the simple fact I have no choice. I will not take that final step to end my misery because I promised my family and friends I would not do that again. God saved me then, he must have some other plans for me. There will, however, be many tears shed in the next few months or so depending on how things go because sometimes the pain is unbearable despite the pain pills.

God be with me as with you and I pray for any of you who are in similar situations and are dealing with your own pain, whatever that pain may be. God bless us all!!

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems


http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

16 thoughts on “Tessa Can Do It! She has to…trying not to just give up.

  1. suesuzzz

    I am with you today gurl…the last few days nothing but hell…
    been in and out of bed…and feeling sick on top of it…
    we can hang in there together gurl…
    yes God bless us all…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. suesuzzz

        Awww thank you so much sunshine gurl… I have to start doing my breathing treatments again it feels like on top of everything else I have pneumonia and of course my dr won’t do shitt…been telling him since almost a year about this cough I got one day at the office of his I didn’t wear my mask and have had it every since…just getting worse n even more tired then I thought that I could…
        God bless us one and all…love that gurl…God bless uuu…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Tessa Post author

          Much love to you and hopefully some comfort with the breathing treatments. I have asthma, but I doubt that is what is making my middle back hurt. I am sure it is the progression of the herniated disks in that section of my back. My whole spine is trashed. Wish I could see a whole picture of the whole spine. The part of the lumbar spine they showed me had about 6 or so disks on it with no padding between the vertebrate at all. That is just part of the problem.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. suesuzzz

            Thank you hun… I will take ur love…we will see if it helps…I really need to find a better dr hahaahah…
            dang gurl that sounds like your back and not asthma …my heart goes out to you gurl… I also have back problems can’t remember all that are messed up but not near what you have…my heart n prayers to you my dear…some how we must keep on going on but someday ok most it’s so hard…….

            Liked by 1 person

  2. donnainthesouth

    Tess, I’m not even sure I should mention this and you may have gotten the same thing but I got something in my email about a free book of Underground Health secrets that claims they have one that regrows that padding between your discs; would you be interested?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. donnainthesouth

    ugh, forgot what all you have to do here; might not should even mention this but got something in my email about a book of Underground Health Secrets that claims they have one on regrowing the padding between your discs; would you be interested?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tessa Post author

      No thanks, got myself on a list for all that stuff they claim. Most of it is not even feasible. If it were that easy everyone would do it.



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