Author of "Government Property – A Memoir of a Military Wife"
Self Esteem/Paranoia – written in 2015
Self Esteem and Paranoia
I have severe Paranoia and very low self-esteem. Now in ways I think a lot of the Paranoia is linked to the self-esteem. If I felt more comfortable with myself then I would not experience such severe Paranoia. I can’t walk among people who are talking among themselves and glancing at me and laughing without being sure they are talking about me. I am slightly agoraphobic as large crowds and new situations and being by myself (in a crowd and new situation) really freak me out. I miss out on so much because I am so afraid of people laughing or talking about me. And I can tell myself that they aren’t even looking at me, but it just doesn’t work. It is even worse if I walk by someone and then hear a laugh. It can be paralyzing. I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I do on occasion, but I am living like a hermit if at all possible.
Now my self-esteem is so low I trip over it. Funny? Not! I have been writing ever since I was a child, but I was sure I was terrible no matter how many people told me it was good. I wanted to submit my writing and when I did and got rejected (still in my teens) I said I would never write again. I did write I just would’t show anyone. Many years ago (I am 62 now) I started to write again and I got brave enough to start a blog and post my work. I was afraid to push the publish button. What if people laugh at me or write something terrible? Well I finally pushed the publish button on www.finallyawriter.com in 2012 and my writing blog was born and it is fairly successful. I am over the fear of showing people my work for the most part. This is blog number 2 and it is more of my personal life and that can be difficult to write about since I suffer so many mental illnesses along with the physical ones. My dr wants to know what went on in my childhood that made me what I am today. There are some things I can’t put on here since they deal with family and friends or things I don’t want people to know. I have to remember that I am sharing this with the world.
Now as for my self-esteem I don’t remember much about it before my elementary school years. The first thing I really remember was having the chance to play an instrument in the 4th grade. I chose the trumpet. At the time girls didn’t play trumpets or trombones. We were supposed to play flutes and clarinets. So I knew from the beginning that the teacher didn’t want me in the band, but I stuck with it.
Now at home, of course, I had to practice and I hated people hearing me for one thing. My parents thought it would be nice for me to play for their friends. How embarrassing that was! I dreaded when they had company and forced me to play. A couple of years later my brother decided to play the trumpet too. That is when they shot me right between the eyes. My parents told me that my brother was better. Now maybe he was, but why would you tell me that? My self-esteem went lower. That was almost as bad as being told they loved him better too.
I withdrew more and more into myself. I was nice to me in my world. I read tons of books to take me out of my reality and give me a breather. They didn’t know I had mental issues and thought nothing of it. Just yelled at me to go outside to play and go to sleep at night. They did take my book and force me out, but they couldn’t force me to sleep.
I was bullied at school. I was a nerd. I didn’t have nice pretty new clothes. We couldn’t afford them. I got laughed at for what I wore. Kids are cruel. I withdrew even more. I did have friends, but they certainly weren’t the cool kids. I always felt like everyone was talking about me even if they weren’t. I would not repeat school again for nothing.
I am still paranoid and have low to medium self esteem. I don’t think I will every be comfortable in my own skin.
Stop the Bullying please. It really hurts and somethings are hard to forget!!