Suppressing Memories


I have become more and more worried about my loss of memory. This isn’t new. It has certainly gotten worse and I blame a lot of that on the Fibro Fog. I also have Sleep Apnea which is another thing that causes memory loss, sleep deprivation.

My Bipolar has put me in situations that I don’t want to remember and I have successfully suppressed a lot of them. Although they tend to come to the surface again and cause me agony and then I suppress them again. I don’t feel able to deal with them even if they have been discussed at therapy (this was more with my old therapist than my current, although I know there are things I have suppressed that we haven’t talked about either). There are a lot of these situations that I just can’t go into on here because of my family. Some things they don’t need to know. It is hard enough on them dealing with my mental illnesses and attempted suicide, they don’t need all the details.

And DOC I know I need to get all of this out for me to work on it. Problem with me is that I can’t forgive some people. I have tried and it isn’t happening. I doubt it ever will. Forgiveness has to come from the heart and mind and I am deeply scarred by so many things and some of them happened when I was a teen. That was a long time ago. I can’t forgive myself for whatever part I played in it and therefore can’t forgive the other person(s) involved. I have to forgive myself somehow.

Today has been a strange day for me. I am feeling weird. Not manic/not depressed severely, but a little bit. I am waiting to see what the medication increase of my Cymbalta is going to do. It usually takes a while for the full effects to hit me.

I am managing to shower every other day, occasionally twice in a row. That is progress. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING??

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

8 thoughts on “Suppressing Memories

  1. Raymond

    I hope that you can still maintain your sanity to write for tomorrow lol

    Keep sharing and hopefully you will always get better and better.

    Yes, good luck also on your medication.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Thank you Raymond! I have always found that talking about things to be very helpful. It helps release the stress. Medications have been hard for me. We have tried for many years and they can’t find a cocktail that works. I am sensitive to meds. I would stop again, but that is what landed me in the hospital. I need the meds just have to find the right ones.

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      1. Raymond

        Right Tessa! You need to find the best method for yourself. To be honest I don’t really fully trust the medication. The best method to ease all kind of diseases in the world is from our brain that controls everything in our body. Do what you can with your knowledge and win the battle!

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        1. Tessa Post author

          I will tell you Raymond that the medications and what they do to me can be scary. One affected me so bad I couldn’t remember words, sentences or how to type. They took me off that immediately, no weaning. Thank you for the support.

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  2. FLO

    Just tell yourself that nothing will happen that you cannot deal with. That’s about what I would tell myself on the first day of school. I’d stand, alone, in my classroom. I’d say out loud that nothing will happen here that I do not want to have happen, nothing I cannot cope with. That worked well for me. Something similar may very well work for you.
    **************
    I’m sorry to hear that there are things you don’t want to think about/remember. Me, too. Let them go. Let them rise out of you like bubbles caught by the wind and whipped away from you, gone forever. Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. We are blessed with another day. We have another chance to do good things, to make progress toward our goals, even if it’s only just a little bit. Remember me and my just do a little at a time? It works for me to get rid of clutter just a little bit at a time. Some days, I barely do any decluttering/clearing/cleaning. Other days I get a lot done. It pretty much depends on pain and energy. This evening I went through my cd collection, dusted, organized. Really looks nice. Of course I still need to toss some more of them but it’s a start, just a little bit at a time.
    I’m not a doctor but I’m here if you want to say something, just to get it out, released. Just write to me privately if you want to do that. Whatever we type on the internet is going to be there forever and some things, as you’ve said, need to be kept private. One day you’ll be able to get them out when you talk to your doctor. In the meantime, you could try unloading some on me. I’m a great listener.
    I’m hoping your meds get balanced, soon and you can finally sleep with safety. No bad dreams. If you like, we could exchange strange dreams next week. If not, that’s fine, too. I told you before. We can just BE and that’s fine with me. You are my friend and I care.

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    1. Tessa Post author

      Well I have survived this far Flo so I can deal with a lot obviously, but I certainly didn’t like a lot that happened,, but I survived and that is the main thing.

      No one knows everything that has happened to me. My therapists know a lot, but not everything. I wish I could forgive. I am only hurting myself because the others involved probably don’t even remember it.

      I thought for sure I would shock my therapist. He is a Christian counselor, buy he has been supportive and not shocked. I have been seeing him for over 4 years now.

      We can talk,not on here. My bipolar has caused me to do a lot of things I wouldn’t normally do if under control;. Thanks for being there. Talk to you soon.

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