Category Archives: BiPolar Disorder

Owwiiee! The torture continues!


Now I know he is doing this for my own good and maybe some day I will thank him, but right now I want to go ape shit on him. He is lucky he is my son and therefore a loved one because my doctors gets it full feelings in my funny/sarcastic way. Or perhaps at the top of my lungs depending on my mood. My psycho-therapist and I have had shouting matches. I am stubborn too so that doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head.

Yesterday’s walk was too much and today I am paying for it. I have severe back pain and spasms. Seems to me I got the last spasms from him making me walk. Now we only walked .4 miles and about 15 minutes the doctor’s requirement, but I can’t start that high. 5 minutes tops the first few days. So my son has decided if I am going to go only 5 minutes then I have to do it every day no matter what. I don’t see it that way and I count the walks through the grocery stores and the hike from the car. He doesn’t.

Now that he is a certified personal trainer I am really in trouble. He had to study nutrition with that and so my diet is under siege. Now I know I should eat better. I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2. I know from experience that losing just 20 or so lbs can make a difference in my blood pressure and glucose numbers. I need to lose 120 lbs to get back to my regular body weight for my size (super short).

Now one of the ways the fibro doctors think helps the pain is to eliminate carbohydrates, white flour products (I think there is something else, but have forgotten it) and gluten from your diet. There goes everything I eat. I hate foods that are GOOD for you. Really hate them and add that to my compulsive eating which is of course everything that is bad for me and I eat from boredom, pain or whatever. I have no self control in a depressed state for sure. I don’t care! Manic I am more apt to follow the daily recommended diet.

Now the good thing about this is that I have a guardian now, which I really needed. He doesn’t buy my excuses and he knows that most of them are excuses. I will admit that. I am good for making excuses. I am also lazy, undisciplined and used to people leaving me alone. When your son lives with you it doesn’t work that way.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Hypersexuality/BiPolar Disorder— my story (2015)


Excerpted from: Bipolar Disorder & Sex (this affected me, please read after the excerpt)

As with other aspects of living with bipolar disorder, sexuality and sexual activity can swing back and forth between periods of hyper sexuality during a manic phase, and complete loss of sex drive during a depressive episode.

This can wreak havoc on relationships and a person’s sexual self-esteem.

Sexuality During Mania

Hyper-sexuality is an increased level of interest in sex or increased amount of sexual activity that can seem out of control. It is characterized by:

  • never feeling sexually satisfied despite engaging in a lot of sexual
    activity
  • sex drive that seems out of control
  • not having sexual gratification
  • having sex with multiple sex partners, including strangers
  • excessive masturbation
  • having continuous affairs and putting relationships at risk
  • inappropriate and risky sexual behavior
  • sex is used as a “painkiller” to avoid intimacy and other aspects of human relations that are feared
  • not having emotional satisfaction from sex
  • poor sexual impulse control
  • preoccupation with sexual thoughts
  • possible increase in use of pornography

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had Bipolar Disorder since I was a very young child. I also had no self-esteem. As I think back to my teenage years I think about the way I dressed and the way I acted. My self-esteem was built on how I looked to men. I wore sexy items, mini skirts and tight sweaters or even short shorts and halters. I was 4’11” and weighed only 86 lbs and had a large bust.  I paraded around this way and felt good if a man noticed and felt even better if they almost ran off the road. I had no idea why I acted this way. (Now I am over twice my weight and don’t dress like that) Now I experienced most of what is in the list above. Not all men care what your size is and I was out of control on the Internet finding men to have sex with. I couldn’t even tell you how many strangers I had sex with. I was lucky I was never hurt. However, as a 15 and 16 year old I had 2 attempted rapes. I was able to get away as the guys were drunk and I wasn’t. My therapist was horrified when I told him, but he was concerned for my safety. I told him I hadn’t done that for many years now. I have more control of myself, but barely. When I am fully manic I have to fight for control. I fantasize a lot and write erotic stories to try and calm myself down. Of course sometimes it just winds me up more. I have plenty of batteries. 🙂

Teresa Dean Smeigh at age 16

Teresa Dean Smeigh at age 16

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Suppressing Memories


I have become more and more worried about my loss of memory. This isn’t new. It has certainly gotten worse and I blame a lot of that on the Fibro Fog. I also have Sleep Apnea which is another thing that causes memory loss, sleep deprivation.

My Bipolar has put me in situations that I don’t want to remember and I have successfully suppressed a lot of them. Although they tend to come to the surface again and cause me agony and then I suppress them again. I don’t feel able to deal with them even if they have been discussed at therapy (this was more with my old therapist than my current, although I know there are things I have suppressed that we haven’t talked about either). There are a lot of these situations that I just can’t go into on here because of my family. Some things they don’t need to know. It is hard enough on them dealing with my mental illnesses and attempted suicide, they don’t need all the details.

And DOC I know I need to get all of this out for me to work on it. Problem with me is that I can’t forgive some people. I have tried and it isn’t happening. I doubt it ever will. Forgiveness has to come from the heart and mind and I am deeply scarred by so many things and some of them happened when I was a teen. That was a long time ago. I can’t forgive myself for whatever part I played in it and therefore can’t forgive the other person(s) involved. I have to forgive myself somehow.

Today has been a strange day for me. I am feeling weird. Not manic/not depressed severely, but a little bit. I am waiting to see what the medication increase of my Cymbalta is going to do. It usually takes a while for the full effects to hit me.

I am managing to shower every other day, occasionally twice in a row. That is progress. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING??

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Fibro Pain/Lidocaine vs Bipolar Disorder – 2015


I can’t begin to figure out which is worse. Mental vs Physical pain.

For my Fibro I get Lidocaine injections in the trigger points and I had to start using Lidocaine patches because I just can’t stand this pain any longer. I get some relief, but I use the patches more often than recommended. I am self-medicating again. I can’t sit, lie down or walk without severe pain. This of course adds to my depression because who wants to live like this forever. There is no cure. There are some things that might at times give you a break, but for the most part I am always in pain.

Yesterday my mood was pretty good, but just as quickly I am back to somewhat depressed. I was in a mixed state yesterday I think and I have bounced back the other way.

I am angry. I want to take it out on someone. Maybe breaking things would make me feel better. I only broke things one time and I have to admit it felt great. I was packing to move as the man whose apartment, my son and I were living in, had taken off leaving almost everything. I came to the box of Christmas balls. It was our first tree and my happiest Christmas. I picked up one of the balls and accidentally dropped it and realized it felt good when it broke. So I took the whole box and one by one I smashed and broke each one.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Terrified! – 2015


I just woke up from some very terrifying dreams/hallucinations or you can laugh if you want a ghost. My whole family believes in ghosts, my mother was a medium and I have been plagued with seeing things since I was young. Could it have been the Bipolar Disorder instead? Then I would have to say that the whole family is plagued by it and I don’t see that. But that is a whole other story. Right now I am dealing with a loss of reality at times. I don’t always feel asleep.

Today was the worst. I couldn’t wake myself up, part of the time I felt awake and that I really and truly heard and saw things. I get a feeling of evil in my mind. Is it in my mind or is it real? Am I losing touch with reality again? I have a little before but this is way past that.

I have told my doctors, but they don’t seem extra concerned, but then the nightmares that I have discussed are family of sorts and they are trying to kill me, every damn night. My doctor says this won’t go away until I forgive the person. I can’t see that happening since the incident happened many years ago when I was a child and I am 62 now. Don’t think forgiving is happening.

But now I hear people calling my name, touching me (ick), and just plain crazy stuff and I can’t wake up if I am asleep. Don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again. That was horrendous on its own.

Oh I know this sounds crazy and I have to email my psyche nurse who prescribes my medications. Is it them? Is it me? Is it a ghost? I don’t think that person is really trying to kill me. And now my whole family is involved in these crazy dreams.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Congratulations to me! 2015


I know that is a strange title because why would I congratulate myself. Now most people might think this is weird, but I know some of you out there will understand what I am saying here.

I showered and washed my hair yesterday AND today. Big deal you are probably muttering to yourself, but to me it is a big thing. I have been so severely depressed that I have showered MAYBE twice a week and washed some clothes every 3 or 4 weeks and no I don’t have that many clothes. Personal hygiene means nothing to me in that state. I lie in bed most of the night and day and was in my night gown during most of it.

Today I emptied the full basket of clean clothes and put them away and then I took down another load and actually washed, dried and put them away. You have to understand that these are major accomplishments when I am depressed.

I believe I am in a mixed state right now and hope to go just a little more towards the mania. Depends on the medications. I am finally getting into a mood where I can start on my hoard decluttering. While depressed I just throw things in piles or on the floor in piles. Right now I have a small walk-thru cleared in here and that is the important thing. The cat is lying on a pile of cat food cans I have not put away. Of course she hopes I will open another one for her.

Tessa

Procrastination with Bipolar Disorder


When procrastination becomes a way of life, it might have turned into an avoidant behavior. This is quite common in people with bipolar disorder.

excerpt from: Bipolar.about.com

I have had procrastination since I was a young child. I had Bipolar Disorder as well. Now I find that there is a connection. I never do anything until the very last moment. School reports were always done the night before.

I do have to admit though I work better under pressure. It forces me to do things I don’t want to do and I usually do a better job.

I hope this gives someone some hope for future procrastination.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com