Category Archives: BiPolar Disorder

No point in asking…

Why me? There is no point in asking as there is no answer forthcoming. If you believe in re-incarnation you could say I am paying for one hell of a sin.

The only thing I know is that I can barely stand it anymore. The pain pills are not helping or my pain is worse than I thought.

I am using a cane now to walk and need support to pull myself up and down stairs. I can’t do it on my own. Getting out of bed is pure excruciating pain and almost impossible for me to do now.  I thought I knew what a 10 in the pain score meant before, but that is now a 15. Worse than childbirth at times and my 3 children were born naturally no pain relief. I have lived with chronic pain for over 40 years yet it is still possible to find pain that is worse than that.

Last time I went through this I didn’t think it could get worse, but it can. Oh it certainly can. I have heard good and bad things about surgery if they go that route. I could become totally immobile. Heck I almost am now. Not sure I like them messing with my spine. I won’t even let the chiropractor touch it anymore.

My Fibromyalgia is joining in on the fun. I am in full flare, pins and needles from that. numbness and pins and needles throughout my entire body from pinched nerves and Fibro. Arthritis running amuck. Some people have mild arthritis, but don’t know just how bad it can get. And it could be rheumatoid arthritis and worse so I shouldn’t complain too much I suppose. I would gather that is worse. Mine is inflamed and wrapped around my spine and squeezing.

They call it degenerative for a reason. It will not get better. It will continue to get worse. Talk about a life sentence.

My anxiety is super high even with meds. My bipolar is actually fairly stable at the moment so I am not dealing with my mental health being out of control. Thank God for small favors at least.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).


Why God? Why?!?

Dear God,

I beseech you. Why must I go through all this pain again? Is it Karma catching up to me? I am no saint, but I don’t believe that I deserve all the pain I have had during this life.

It started as a child and increased with age. Mentally and physically both. No break in the agony I must suffer. As a mere child, infant actually since the anxiety started in infancy, I have gone through life with bipolar disorder, the anxiety with panic attacks, OCD and PTSD and recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and psychosis with my Bipolar Disorder 1. I am 60 now, isn’t that enough punishment for whatever I did in this or a previous life? Or is this part of your plan for me. I don’t see the purpose of having to live in constant pain.

As a child I had constant sprained ankles, my knees and hips would go out of place constantly. My arthritis started when I was in my 20’s and constantly increased. The spine started degenerating not much after that. Chronic pain for 40 years. 7 years ago I dealt with pinched nerves in the neck and probably the back. but the back didn’t show up til later so not caught on the tests, but the numbness and pain were there. I was also finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explained so many things and believe me now, that son of a bitch is flaring now from this most recent pinched nerves in the neck and back. The other night my whole body started to feel numb and the pins and needles that accompany that.

Due to the new laws on narcotics I couldn’t even have enough to take them every 4 hours to reduce the pain. I had to stretch it out to 1or at the most 2 at night so I could sleep. I have 1 pill left for tonight and don’t know if the orthopedic dr can write more tomorrow because I couldn’t get into pain management till October 17. Still have over 3 weeks to wait. Not my fault they are booked up. I have to wait my turn like everyone else.

Maybe I don’t have enough empathy for others. Is that my sin? Do I need to go through this to learn empathy? I try to be empathetic. At some times maybe I am not so empathetic because I am going through my own problems. Have you decided that I should feel what others feel so I learn that lesson?

It is so maddening to have to go through this and because of some dumbasses out there I can’t even get the pain meds I need to get me through a day even. Every day is pain, pain, pain. I want to cry and sometimes I do when I get to a point that it seems impossible that I can get through this.

I am thankful that the orthopedic dr doesn’t think I need surgery at least. The steroid shots are bad enough. What physical therapists have told me about back and neck surgery tells me that I don’t want surgery done. That things are usually worse afterwards. So I pray that you don’t see fit to make that part of your plan for my life. But is this much better??

Someone going through the same things can understand what I am feeling. The pain you must deal with whether you want to or not. I  have this to look forward to quite often as it is the inflammation from the arthritis in the spinal area expanding the hard surfaces and pushing on the nerves. Inflammation is constant in my body and those people who tell me that getting sugar out of my body will take this pain away are not exactly right. Over 4 months with very little sugar/carbs and where is that decrease in pain and inflammation.

Did the exercise my drs, family and friends push me to cause the increase in the inflammation? I was doing the Silver Sneakers program for seniors, but it was pretty rigorous still. I had to modify a lot for me to do it in the very beginning. I did feel just a little less pain in my Fibro spots, but about 5 to 6 weeks in something happened and the pain got worse and I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I felt all the numbness in my toes and fingers and headed to the ER again. When they told me it was pinched nerves in both places remembrance of the first episode started coming back.

Hopefully one day soon this will just be a bad memory and part of my chronic pain which believe it or not you can live with, just not a quality life and your family and friends get tired of the complaints and the limitations as you give them excuse after excuse why you can’t do something with them.

I have almost given up on people understanding unless they have been through it themselves, just like mental illness. Unless you have it, you find it hard to understand and even at that we are all different.

Dear God, please hear my prayer for healing, please forgive my complaints about your motives since I am only a human who is trying to understand your reasoning  for my current and actually my entire life. I walked away from you for 40 years because I couldn’t understand why if there is a God he would let people suffer so, not just me. My faith is wavering again. I still don’t understand what your plan for me could possibly be or for others who have it worse than me. Please show me the way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

Doctors! I am sick of them!

Just came from my Endo appt and I am about to spit nails. Man he pissed me off. He is fine with the Keto/low carb diet, but he wants my numbers above 100. I want them lower/normal. He said no because I might have a low if I aim for those numbers. I said at 140 damage is being done right? He said yes. So why do you want my numbers higher. Because you MIGHT go low. Might, good grief. I might die tomorrow too, I might lose my eyesight (already have some damage), I might lose a limb (I definitely have neuropathy – had nerve test this morning). An awful lot of mights out there, but I want to spare myself that. He told me I was a perfectionist and yes I am and that he wished more of his patients were like me (huh?), but he wants me between 100 and 150 fasting and 100 and 170 for lunch, dinner, and bedtime. My numbers support this WOE works. A1c down 2 points to 6.9 and my average numbers 2 months ago were 179 and now are 117.

My bipolar was starting to rage and I had to shut up before I said something I would regret. I backed down, but he told me the ADA’s diet is good because most people are diagnosed when they are eating 200-300 carbs per day so their diet is good if you look at it that way. Thing is they keep it that high. They don’t work at bringing them down. I will continue eating this way and aiming for 80 or so and he will have to deal with it if I decide to even tell him. Although he did raise my fast-acting insulin by 1 point per sliding number, but told me not to increase the Tresiba slow-acting to help bring them down. Talk about twilight zone.

My scale budged downward 2 lbs. Does not mean it won’t go back up, but it is the first downward movement I have had.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

My blog is starting to slide away into the ether.

At one point I was in a much better place and my blog was growing. I wrote many posts a day as well as a devotional every day. I wrote thankfulness posts, etc. There were numerous stories and poems on my other blog. I still have 2 and the addresses are at the bottom in my signature.

Now my blog is slowing dying. I have some regulars still and I appreciate you guys hanging around even though I find it difficult at times to follow many blogs. I still get new followers, but I feel as if I am letting them down as well. I have to change things if I want to save it. It is so easy to just give up and I don’t want to do that. I worked hard for these 2 blogs only to let them die.

I am sure I have turned people away with my constant whining about my physical pains. They are far worse than my mental at this point. My bipolar is fairly stable and my panic and anxiety, though still around, are calmed some by the meds.

What to do about 2 dying blogs is my current problem. I am sure people are tired of reading about my health issues. I know I am tired of living through them and complaining about them sure isn’t helping me any either.

I miss my blogs, the old ones, the ones that people enjoyed reading because they were more than just my whining.

I definitely thank all of you or are standing by me and still here and those of you who are new I hope you can find something of interest to keep you coming back.

I have been sinking for a while and just not noticing it. It is time to bring these blogs back on board and give the people something worthwhile.

Comments are welcome. If you have a comment about what is happening here don’t be afraid to share it with me. Perhaps it is not too late to save my blogs.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

Have to find my lost inspiration! Bipolar is just part of me, not all of me!

I blame so much on the bipolar disorder, but it is only part of it. I have lost most of my inspiration in life. Granted I never had much to begin with, but my writing is suffering, my blog is suffering. My family life is suffering and I just started to make amends with my children. I don’t want to die old and alone with no family.

I started the amends process last night. Lots of crying among us, but a start has been made and I have to admit my son is probably right when he says I am looking for attention. That I don’t feel real without it. I need validation.

Others suffer from things worse than me and go on with life. I use my mental and physical health as excuses. I am intuitive and I know things and could have made a great counselor if I had felt the need and desire.

I want to make a difference in people’s lives as well as my own. I have to start with me for the most part.

I need to bring God back into my life. I have even pushed him into the background. Blaming him for my misery. Life isn’t easy and getting back on track will take some work, but TESSA CAN DO IT!

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

Bipolar mood swings, fighting with my diabetes

I am deeply depressed. Usually doesn’t last long due to my antidepressant and mood stabilizer, but currently suffering deeply.

I know I need to take care of my diabetes and eat right, but even foods I used to eat (low carb of course) don’t taste right.

I just threw away a bunch of food I couldn’t stomach. I know I have to take the insulin needles, but I am starting to freak out about that as well. It has been 2 months of needles, why now?

My numbers are higher than they just were. I was doing good keeping them in the low 120’s during the day and around 80 to 100 fasting. Today’s fasting was 124. Means I am eating too many carbs, but not sure where they are coming from. Need to get back under control. Over 140 at any time is causing damage that is unseen, but still happening.

I am still doing the silver sneakers exercise program 3 times a week. My body hurts. New pain on top of the old chronic pain. I haven’t given up yet and am struggling along.

Hard to think positive when you feel like this. Bipolar sucks.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

Hate giving myself injections. Some do hurt!

Finding an uninjected spot is hard. My belly hurts at times and pressing against something hurts.

My sugars are still not level. I have to work harder at it.

I am happy (manic right now)

I am content

I am wise

I am going to find the perfect place to live and be able to afford it

I am healthy

I am pain free.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems