I am steadying out. Mood swings stopped, but other things getting worse. I mentioned some of these before.
These are a major problem right now. I see things, hear things, feel the touch of things even. I wake up screaming. I wake up feeling a cat’s claws in my leg. A cat jumps on my bed and legs. My cat always did that, but there is no cat here with me now.
While waiting for my son to get his meal I saw a plane and still after all these years I can’t look at a plane without fear.
We also happened to be in front of the restaurant Bob (married boyfriend for 18 years) and I would go to so of course memories came.
Between the dreams and memories no wonder I am going nuts. If I could remember the nightmares I could write some gruesome horror stories.
All that sleep and I want to go back to sleep. I am bored. I could be playing word games or reading or watching Netflix or writing in my blog. I haven’t felt like it. I am still getting new readers, but if I don’t pick up the pace and work on the blog people will leave.
I have sex on my mind, sex and memories. I developed young in all ways. Probably part of the reason why kids didn’t like me, plus I like older men. Guys my age are still jerks.
I don’t want sex right now just enjoying my memories and in some cases my remorse. I can’t remember the 10 Commandments right now, but I know I broke quite a few of them. I just looked them up. More than one Commandment. I had better keep them in mind. I surely don’t want to go to hell.
I woke up baking a cake (make believe) in my bed. I was sitting there stirring, pouring and mumbling the recipe.
The worst one was where the slimy huge green worm came through my pillow and licked my face.
I had ones where 2 different types of squishy colored bodies like play-doh (me) had large holes in me and worms, purple polka dots, were crawling in and out of the holes.
Today there were pins poking into me all over. Painful! Now that could have been the Fibromyalgia, maybe.
I wake up yelling and screaming after some of them.
What do you think? Could these all be a sort of hallucination, my medications, I grew up in a family that believed in ghosts. I do believe in them, but therapists and psychiatrists try to make me think otherwise that ghosts don’t exist. I could write a book about this. Either way I don’t need this added to my psychiatric problems.
Because of his belief in the other world, my dad, told me to ask my deceased mom for answers.
Another one I have is “word salad” and people can’t understand me and I now know why. The hospital dx me bipolar 1 with psychosis last time. That is when this started getting worse.
Sorry to bother you, but I am going to end up in the hospital again if this isn’t fixed somehow.
All I can say is that I am happy that it is over. I do not like the holidays.
I wished for something to happen so I would not have to attend. I got sick, upset stomach and severe body pain. Unfortunately it was not bad enough to get me out of it.
I am not in a good mood right now. Mood swings again.
Hope everyone had a great holiday.
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses
-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems