Category Archives: Dreams/Nightmares

Depression growing, sleeping fitfully.


Depression probably causing the harsh dreams. Strange, rough edges. I fall asleep have a weird dream and wake up again. A very long night.

I had to take the BiPap machine off as the mask was giving me the creeps. Has been lately. Plus it just doesn’t fit right. I can’t sleep with it on. I think it is useless as it is.

The extra anti-depressant hasn’t kicked in yet. Usually takes 2 days of an extra dose. The mood stabilizer for the mania works much faster to ratchet me down.

I don’t know whether I want to sleep again or try at least or not. I have a touch of anxiety as well. I feel so alone. Nights like this I miss having a partner of some kind. Not for sex, just for company, to keep the monsters away.

My eyes are watering. Just tired or tears I am not sure.

I haven’t read any posts for a day or two. This depression started coming on last night, no I take that back it was Friday night. No writing of prompts. I did some email.

I think Susan gave me a sleeping prayer. Have to check it out. No it was for healing pain. Well that is fitting too and not just body pain. The body isn’t the only thing that needs healing.

If you don’t see me much you know that I am still fighting for a victory over the depression.

No matter how I feel I will keep up with the devotions if nothing else. That is part of God’s wish for me and I take my commitment seriously.

Tessa

 

Gratitude List January 29, 2016


I am grateful to the Lord for carrying me through the withdrawal from the Clonazepam without serious side effects.

Waking up during dreams either laughing or crying.


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Such a silly concept, but I am waking myself up during dreams now laughing at the funny ones and I hear the last echoes of the laughing and the other day I woke up with tears running down my face because someone I knew had died in the dream. I don’t have death dreams often, but I was crying pretty good that I woke myself up.

I remember the dream I had that my dad and my kids had died. I woke up in a somber mood and was terrified for days that it would come true. Some of my dreams do and I dream them in great detail and I know as soon as I see the first sign that it was coming true and I knew what would happen for the most part.

One of them I dreamed that our best friends from the Marine Corps had shown up for the weekend without a call to make sure we were there or not busy. Friday afternoon I came home from work to find a car sitting in the drive. I knew it. It was them. Luckily we got to spend a great weekend with them.

Another time I dreamed about a spot here in the community where it meets another community. You come around the curve and you are in the next one. I dreamed I came around and a cop was waiting for me. Always took that curve too fast. I hate driving 25 MPH. I came around and I saw a car 5 or 6 blocks down the street parked like a driver would park. I knew immediately it was a cop (I couldn’t see that far) and slowed down which he knew. I drove to my fate. I could see he was a cop by the time I got to the corner and I turned and he flipped on his lights and followed me.

He said good morning ma’am. I said good morning back and smiled my ravishing smile that has brought so many down LOL!.

He asked me where I was going and could he see my id? I said I am going to the gym, showed him my card around my neck and said my license is already in the trunk and I could get it for him. He said that would be ok he didn’t need to see it. Was this my car? Yes it was. No warrants or anything so he gave me nice quiet lecture on watching my speed and without looking at any other id he let me go. Being nice pays off.

So you can imagine why scary dreams really scare me besides the scare factor.

Tessa

Bipolar Brain – Poem


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Bipolar Brain
by Teresa Dean Smeigh
copyright October 2015

I wish my brain would
Give up its secrets easily.
Not drag them out should
I start to act uneasily.

Sneaky memories pushed out
By horrible nightmares.
No one cares so much about
My hidden awful cares.

Are these memories true?
Or just triggered by dreams.
They come in out of the blue.
And some just give me screams.

Monsters, Creepy Dreams, Death oh My!


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I just went through quite a scary dream cycle. I am up even though I am tired because I don’t need that again. The little light I have is worth less. It was dark in here and the sleep music didn’t help. I think I made everything worse.

Just remember I am sleep blogging again. Anything is liable to come out. If I knew the secret to the world’s peace you could probably just ask nice for it. Shame I don’t know it. Nor more fighting sounds like a great idea to me, but then I’m a lover not a fighter. That has snuck out of my mouth a few times so you guys know my secrets anyhow. I am open and tell the world.

Full of typos and the wrong words, but I can’t get that dream out of my mind and I was trying to kill someone. That is so not me. At least it wasn’t my ex-Jerk. No he usually tries to kill me.

I am craving food. Have none. Didn’t have enough for dinner, my only meal and a pack of peanut butter crackers.

My head hurts where I teared at the scabs that were already bloody. I have to stop this. I am so lucky not to have had an infection in my head from scab ripping off and on my hands from ripping the skin off. Both disgusting self-harm techniques I have had most of life alone with pulling out my hair and biting my arm or hand to form teeth marks.

Dear God get this dream out of my head. My anxiety is heading off the charts and the more it does the more I self-harm.

At my chiropractor’s appointment he informed me I have an irregular shaped mark on my back and it needs to be checked out. Just one more issue. I already have to change my cat scan and my appointment to next month maybe. No extra $200 floating about this month. Now he thinks I need to go to the dermatologist and he is worried about skin cancer. I can’t even see it. My dad confirmed it is there. I have to see if my old dermatologist is on my insurance or I will need a new one and of course the ever-annoying referral for everything just about.

My son will be working this weekend. He found a 2 day job from a temp agency. He is working here and there, but he will need something steady soon. He is working his way through the money he had saved. The weekend will be weird with him going out to work in the afternoon til finish. He was offered an old job back again, but he said no. I said why I love the smell of chocolate. He came home smelling like a chocolate bar. He didn’t see the humor.

I should put my energy into reading emails. Over 2000. Don’t be surprised if something goes unanswered. There is not enough time in a day to go through all of them. I love my growing blogs, but it makes things harder to keep up and I haven’t kept up in months probably. Good and bad with everything.

I managed to wake myself up, but still have dreams running through my head. Maybe I should take a sleep pill and go back to bed in a little bit. It takes a while to work. I put a different relaxation music on.

The cat is driving me crazy again. She is a night prowler. I need to turn the lights out and climb in bed to get her to go downstairs and prowl.

Alright I will go back to reading again for a while.

Tessa

Life is out of control. Spilling out my demons.


Although I managed finally to get an hour or so of sleep, I still feel wide awake.

I don’t know if I am in a manic mood or what. I didn’t mind not sleeping when I was younger and sleep wasn’t a major need for my body, but now my body needs it to help heal itself. I can’t spare sleep when the body needs sleep to heal overnight.

I confess to not eating right. Too much sugar, too much soda and caffeine as I am hooked again. My son says everyday we are going to start cooking again and back we go to fast-food. I have no will-power. I hate to cook. I cooked all those years for my family and hated it and now I just can’t seem to make myself do it.

A lot of things changed when I got divorced and lost the head of the house who bossed me around. I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to and I don’t want to.

It fits right in there with my self-harm. I don’t eat right, forget my medications, don’t drink enough, whatever harms me. Some days I don’t care. I promised no more suicide attempts, but didn’t promise not to let my health go.

I would say I am in a mixed episode right now. I am not stable anymore, not like I was. The bad days are getting closer and closer. Luckily they are only lasting a day or so at this point, but they are bad when they hit.

My belief in God is not strong yet and I falter. I find it hard to trust him completely. Satan is still nipping at my toes. Life is hard, life is not fun. Life is full of worry. I can’t let go and let God as the saying goes.

It is not serious yet, but it is concerning. I have no one physical to talk to who really understands what I am going through. I can talk to my mom in heaven. I can talk to God, but I need someone in real life who understands what I am going through.

I am terrified of my future. From this standpoint it looks glum. Of course, I am not happy now. I have no money now, will have less if I have to pay rent. I still have a lot more than others right now, but is it God’s plan for me to see how others live. To have nothing. Live in the slums with the bugs and the criminal element. I am not brave. I feel fairly safe here, but the low-income housing projects are not the safest places to be. I won’t have anything much worth stealing on the good side.

My clothes are falling apart. So glad I ignored the clutter experts who said to get rid of those extra clothes because I can’t afford to go out and buy more. They are going to fall apart on my body at this rate. Heaven forbid I actually get asked out on a date. I have nothing to wear and I am not just saying that. I don’t have a closet full of beautiful clothes.

My shoes hurt my feet. I have bunions and hammer toes and can’t afford to fit another doctor in so I go barefoot except when I am out and my feet are in agony. Right now the bottom of my foot hurts because the sandals I wore all summer had worn out and given me a heel spur no doubt. Not the first time.

When I was married I bought what I wanted, when I wanted. We weren’t rich although the ex-jerk like to think he was which is part of the reason I am in the situation I am now. He left me high and dry. Thanks to him I had to file bankruptcy. I need to again due to all the medical bills and the manic spending. I am curtailed from the spending now since I maxed all my cards out. He was his narcissistic self and took everything and left me telling me it was my fault since I didn’t get a career when he told me to. So everything was his. I worked, but not at a job in which I could support myself. I have lived here with my parents and now my dad for 12 years. Most of it rent free. If I was working I paid a small rent. Most of the time I was laid off over and over and then disability.

I am a realist. I know life sucks. No matter how much I don’t want it to be. Call it pessimism if you want. Same thing to me. I pretend to be positive at times. I can be a good actress and put that perky persona on and no one knows what lurks in my mind. Good thing I have therapy this week. She may not understand, but she listens anyhow.

October 6th I see the medications nurse. Do I want her to be messing with them. They are better than they were before, but I am losing my stability little by little. Tweaking medications is not fun. I don’t do medications well at all.

My self-harm is increasing at an alarming rate and that means all is not well even if I don’t want to admit it. Thank God the cutting didn’t take, but what I do could cause infections and it does cause physical pain. It balances out the mental pain.

The anxiety medicine either doesn’t help or I am either worse off than I thought and the medicine is hiding that fact. In the beginning it toned down the self-harm. It calmed the nightmares. Most of my nightmares are of the ex-jerk and his brother and family and they are trying to kill me. I don’t know what that means, but I wake up terrified from them.

Not only do I have myself to worry about, I have my 83 year old father and my children. They may be grown, but they are still my kids. I know my father feels the same way and he feels bad that he can’t help me with my demons. It makes him miss my mom more because she would talk to me and I would feel better. Helping others like she did does help me forget my own troubles, but only for awhile. I am still selfish to a point. She was the most unselfish person I know. She suffered from Parkinson’s Disease for 35 years and she had dementia at the end. She wanted to leave this world. She lost her fight and never regained real consciousness. We all told her to let go and go to heaven where her family was waiting and her pain would disappear. She left after hearing from my brother.

God I am morbid tonight. I should be sleeping, but I can’t. Please God let me go and get some rest. I will save the world tomorrow. I am not much help in this mood.

Tessa – emotional tonight

Waking in panic!


So tired of waking in a complete panic. I was having nightmares one of which was that I was back at work which scared the daylights out of me and then I woke up and tried to figure out if I worked or not. Thank God I don’t! I dream this way too many times. Can one have a mental breakdown from such dreams that they bring on panic attacks in the middle of sleeping?

I slept for over 9 hours and feel like crap again. I woke up at 5 AM, but I went to sleep early again last night. Due to a suggestion since my mood stabilizer causes insomnia I take that in the morning now. So that must mean the combo of the 2 mg of clonazepam and 90 mg of Cymbalta is now strong enough to put me to sleep. Yeah and nay. Good and bad. And the mood stabilizer in the day won’t allow a nap. Strong little bugger. At least I am sleeping now.

The cat is glaring at me again. She wants new fresh food non-stop day and night. She has food if she wants to eat.

I want to go back to sleep, but I tried and it didn’t work. Besides I had 9 hours.

Tessa