Although I managed finally to get an hour or so of sleep, I still feel wide awake.
I don’t know if I am in a manic mood or what. I didn’t mind not sleeping when I was younger and sleep wasn’t a major need for my body, but now my body needs it to help heal itself. I can’t spare sleep when the body needs sleep to heal overnight.
I confess to not eating right. Too much sugar, too much soda and caffeine as I am hooked again. My son says everyday we are going to start cooking again and back we go to fast-food. I have no will-power. I hate to cook. I cooked all those years for my family and hated it and now I just can’t seem to make myself do it.
A lot of things changed when I got divorced and lost the head of the house who bossed me around. I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to and I don’t want to.
It fits right in there with my self-harm. I don’t eat right, forget my medications, don’t drink enough, whatever harms me. Some days I don’t care. I promised no more suicide attempts, but didn’t promise not to let my health go.
I would say I am in a mixed episode right now. I am not stable anymore, not like I was. The bad days are getting closer and closer. Luckily they are only lasting a day or so at this point, but they are bad when they hit.
My belief in God is not strong yet and I falter. I find it hard to trust him completely. Satan is still nipping at my toes. Life is hard, life is not fun. Life is full of worry. I can’t let go and let God as the saying goes.
It is not serious yet, but it is concerning. I have no one physical to talk to who really understands what I am going through. I can talk to my mom in heaven. I can talk to God, but I need someone in real life who understands what I am going through.
I am terrified of my future. From this standpoint it looks glum. Of course, I am not happy now. I have no money now, will have less if I have to pay rent. I still have a lot more than others right now, but is it God’s plan for me to see how others live. To have nothing. Live in the slums with the bugs and the criminal element. I am not brave. I feel fairly safe here, but the low-income housing projects are not the safest places to be. I won’t have anything much worth stealing on the good side.
My clothes are falling apart. So glad I ignored the clutter experts who said to get rid of those extra clothes because I can’t afford to go out and buy more. They are going to fall apart on my body at this rate. Heaven forbid I actually get asked out on a date. I have nothing to wear and I am not just saying that. I don’t have a closet full of beautiful clothes.
My shoes hurt my feet. I have bunions and hammer toes and can’t afford to fit another doctor in so I go barefoot except when I am out and my feet are in agony. Right now the bottom of my foot hurts because the sandals I wore all summer had worn out and given me a heel spur no doubt. Not the first time.
When I was married I bought what I wanted, when I wanted. We weren’t rich although the ex-jerk like to think he was which is part of the reason I am in the situation I am now. He left me high and dry. Thanks to him I had to file bankruptcy. I need to again due to all the medical bills and the manic spending. I am curtailed from the spending now since I maxed all my cards out. He was his narcissistic self and took everything and left me telling me it was my fault since I didn’t get a career when he told me to. So everything was his. I worked, but not at a job in which I could support myself. I have lived here with my parents and now my dad for 12 years. Most of it rent free. If I was working I paid a small rent. Most of the time I was laid off over and over and then disability.
I am a realist. I know life sucks. No matter how much I don’t want it to be. Call it pessimism if you want. Same thing to me. I pretend to be positive at times. I can be a good actress and put that perky persona on and no one knows what lurks in my mind. Good thing I have therapy this week. She may not understand, but she listens anyhow.
October 6th I see the medications nurse. Do I want her to be messing with them. They are better than they were before, but I am losing my stability little by little. Tweaking medications is not fun. I don’t do medications well at all.
My self-harm is increasing at an alarming rate and that means all is not well even if I don’t want to admit it. Thank God the cutting didn’t take, but what I do could cause infections and it does cause physical pain. It balances out the mental pain.
The anxiety medicine either doesn’t help or I am either worse off than I thought and the medicine is hiding that fact. In the beginning it toned down the self-harm. It calmed the nightmares. Most of my nightmares are of the ex-jerk and his brother and family and they are trying to kill me. I don’t know what that means, but I wake up terrified from them.
Not only do I have myself to worry about, I have my 83 year old father and my children. They may be grown, but they are still my kids. I know my father feels the same way and he feels bad that he can’t help me with my demons. It makes him miss my mom more because she would talk to me and I would feel better. Helping others like she did does help me forget my own troubles, but only for awhile. I am still selfish to a point. She was the most unselfish person I know. She suffered from Parkinson’s Disease for 35 years and she had dementia at the end. She wanted to leave this world. She lost her fight and never regained real consciousness. We all told her to let go and go to heaven where her family was waiting and her pain would disappear. She left after hearing from my brother.
God I am morbid tonight. I should be sleeping, but I can’t. Please God let me go and get some rest. I will save the world tomorrow. I am not much help in this mood.
Tessa – emotional tonight