Category Archives: Feelings

Things are getting bad on the internet.

WordPress just shut my accounts down due to suspicious activity and forced me to create a new password.

Just recently my Amazon account was hijacked (email and password changed), after I got it back someone went in and closed it. I also had an account set up with my name and email in the UK.

I had to use a new email without my full name in it and change the password to something really weird, but someone still might be able to crack it. I created a new account. They were going to reopen my old one again, but what’s the point. Someone or more than one person has been busy on my accounts. Please be careful people. I would hate to have to create a new email and resign-up for everything. A lot of us use our names in our email addresses.

I also in the last year, had my bank account debit card compromised. Luckily the transaction didn’t go through so I didn’t have to fight with Visa to get my money back.

It is scary how bad it is getting.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog



Between the accident and the new brakes, drums and calipers, money flies out the window

The only thing saving me right now is that I had saved money for the move and things I needed for the apartment. My kids had convinced me to get rid of my household goods after I had been living with Dad for so long. Now I need that stuff. Things might be cheaper at Walmart and the dollar stores, but having my old stuff would have been cheaper yet.

So between the accident 4 weeks ago which was $500 and the new brakes, calipers and drums another $450 just went down the drain. My cushion is almost gone.

Don’t think I mentioned it, but my son’s car is probably totaled. A girl claiming to have only been going 30 MPH hit his heavy car and shoved it 15 feet and up onto the curb. He was in the house. The neighbors came and got him. He wanted a new car, but this was not the way to do it. They will probably total it. The rear axle is broken and the tire is flat and who knows what else. Probably won’t get enough to buy a new car or at least one that is in decent shape and not need constant repairs where this one was finally getting to. What a mess!

It is raining today and has been for days now. Good thing is that I don’t need the air conditioner on right now, a fan on just me is working fine. Haven’t gotten the first electric bill yet.

I still have to set up my budget.This is going to be tight. Hope I can actually eat on what is left after bills. The bankruptcy gave me a new start, but there is still cell phone (and the hot spot runs my WiFi), auto insurance, renter’s insurance, health insurance in addition to Medicare and prescriptions and a ton of doctors. I just have to get well. I am trying to spread the doctor appointments out, but the epidurals for the spine pain are 2 visits per month. I might be able to scrape 1 more appointment in there per month. I now have another hospital copay, as well as the deposits for my electric with the first bill. Been learning how to set up a budget on Youtube. There are a few different ways. I know the envelope and cash way is preferred by many, but not my thing. I prefer to pay everything out of my bank card or automatic withdrawals. Rent I have to pay by check. For years I didn’t have to worry about it, unless it was a car repair.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog


Life in a senior high rise

This has been quite an experience. It has been one month now.

Today I set off the alarms for emergencies such as falling etc. The guard (yes we have guards here) was pounding on the door. Scared the hell out of me but hey I know it works.

So far most of the time I get in a handicapped spot and don’t have to worry about the  placard since I got license plates instead. Some of the closer spots are not handicapped so sometimes it is better to park there. This is at the back door. My guests have to come in the front so I can use the intercom and buzz them in or else I have to go downstairs and let them in. They have to sign in anyhow might as well come in the front although that means they have to walk around to the front door. There are a few spots in the front side of the building, but they rather park out back so if they do they get to walk around. I have an intercom for a reason.

We have been getting a lot of rain and thunderstorms this week. I am on the 6th floor and can see the trees below me swaying in the wind. A unique experience.

I can’t remember if I mentioned the knee going out and the trip to the hospital since I couldn’t put weight on it. Stayed one night and then sent home with no one to help me. I was using a walker for when I had to get up and I had my family take the food and medications and put them down on the counter. The only thing they did for me was a referral for home care, but even though they were covered under my insurance it wasn’t for the services they wanted me to have. They couldn’t get that through their head. Thus I was on my own. Thank God I have hand rails in the bathroom. So far I had one shower. My leg isn’t strong enough to hold my weight to get in and out of the tub so back to basin washing.

I have put a lot of money into my car. The accident cost me $500 in repairs and now another $500 for new brakes and calipers before I have another accident. The brakes just catch and slam the car to a stop as if I slammed on the brakes. Very disconcerting and now I am waiting til Friday for the parts and repair. Only drive if absolutely necessary.

These unplanned expenses are coming out of my apartment fund for things I need. It is dwindling fast. I have to make a very tight budget and live by it and it doesn’t leave much for fun things. I will be lucky if I can get food all month. Since it is public housing my rent is 30% of my disability check so everyone is different. Though it is considered senior housing, they have disabled people like me who are younger. I think the cutoff is 50 for them and must be 62 for a senior. I am 61 1/2.

This apartment is a fair size, but Tessa the hoarder is having a hard time letting things go. I did a bunch before we moved and now I find I must get rid of more. And they do inspections here and can’t have a mess, Trash must go out every day to the trash chute in the hall. Recycles must go downstairs. Kind of annoying, but they are trying to avoid nasty little critters. Exterminator comes tomorrow.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog


By Meera Lester – “365 Ways To Live The Law Of Attraction”

I have mentioned the Law of Attraction time and again. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. This  book has 365 ways (or days if you wish) of info. I will post some things if I think them relevant to positivity. Mainly that is what I am more interested in.

I understand the law of attraction. What you project out into the universe you draw to you. Think positive thoughts and you will attract positive people and things to you. Project the bad thoughts and that is what you will attract. As someone put it, whining about my pain and unhappiness will just draw more towards me.  I understand this, but it is very hard not to think negative thoughts when your life basically sucks and my pain is unbearable.

I have had many discussions with my dad about these subjects and a lot of other ones many of you may not believe in. And that’s ok, we are all different and have different beliefs.

Part of me wonders if I am being punished for something I did in a past life. Then again it could be this life. I have done some things that I knew were morally wrong and I feel wicked at times for having lived through some of the things I did in my life.

God has a plan for us and mine isn’t particularly pleasant this time around (if you believe in re-incarnation). And from what I have learned we will relive certain lives until we have learned the lessons God has set out for us. You will repeat a lesson until you learn it.

God bless us all!

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog


Tons of clothes, helping others

I have an over-abundance of clothes taking up room and of a variety of sizes. Always kept them just in case I gained or lost weight and needed them. It has finally come to my attention that I have not touched those boxes in many, many years.

Talking to my therapist she suggested that I use the clothes donation to bless others. I have been feeling unhelpful with my blog. So she suggests that I donate all those clothes and feel better about myself by helping others.

I agreed with her and my dad that I need to get rid of these clothes as losing weight doesn’t seem to be happening. I have been at this weight and size for years. He said if I do miraculously lose weight slowly buy a few things to create a new fitting wardrobe, but to be honest I doubt I will lose weight. The insulin increases weight and my body structure is that of my mom’s. I am shaped how she used to be while alive and there is genetics to contend with.

Might as well clear up a lot of space by getting rid of all of those clothes.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog


What Is Fibro Fog and ME/CFS Brain Fog?

What Is Fibro Fog and ME/CFS Brain Fog?

The brain fog is one of the hardest things to deal with. I can’t have conversations without forgetting words and I am always forgetting where I am going and how to get there. Very embarrassing. I have printed before some of the crazy things the fibro fog has caused me to do. It does explain a lot though. I never could figure out how I could get lost driving to work every day for years, but this explains it.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog


Be Careful What You Wish For, A Tale Of Woe

My mother always warned me to be careful what I wished for because I just might get it.

You know, mothers are pretty smart.

I was crying my tears of woe about my marriage at the time. I was not happy, my husband didn’t really care and I wanted out or so I thought.

When she walked into our life I thought it was what I wanted, but now it was too late because I had gotten what I had wished for and that was to be out of my marriage and that is exactly what happened. I was shocked. I wasn’t really thinking it would happen. NOT really!

There are many days I wish it would all be a dream and things were as they had been, but you can’t go back so easily.

I just woke up from a dream of a part of my pre-divorce life, crying.


Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog