Category Archives: Fibromyalgia

Problems Showering With Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS


Problems Showering With Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS

I find showers exhausting. I am lucky if I can take one per week.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Owwiiee! The torture continues!


Now I know he is doing this for my own good and maybe some day I will thank him, but right now I want to go ape shit on him. He is lucky he is my son and therefore a loved one because my doctors gets it full feelings in my funny/sarcastic way. Or perhaps at the top of my lungs depending on my mood. My psycho-therapist and I have had shouting matches. I am stubborn too so that doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head.

Yesterday’s walk was too much and today I am paying for it. I have severe back pain and spasms. Seems to me I got the last spasms from him making me walk. Now we only walked .4 miles and about 15 minutes the doctor’s requirement, but I can’t start that high. 5 minutes tops the first few days. So my son has decided if I am going to go only 5 minutes then I have to do it every day no matter what. I don’t see it that way and I count the walks through the grocery stores and the hike from the car. He doesn’t.

Now that he is a certified personal trainer I am really in trouble. He had to study nutrition with that and so my diet is under siege. Now I know I should eat better. I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2. I know from experience that losing just 20 or so lbs can make a difference in my blood pressure and glucose numbers. I need to lose 120 lbs to get back to my regular body weight for my size (super short).

Now one of the ways the fibro doctors think helps the pain is to eliminate carbohydrates, white flour products (I think there is something else, but have forgotten it) and gluten from your diet. There goes everything I eat. I hate foods that are GOOD for you. Really hate them and add that to my compulsive eating which is of course everything that is bad for me and I eat from boredom, pain or whatever. I have no self control in a depressed state for sure. I don’t care! Manic I am more apt to follow the daily recommended diet.

Now the good thing about this is that I have a guardian now, which I really needed. He doesn’t buy my excuses and he knows that most of them are excuses. I will admit that. I am good for making excuses. I am also lazy, undisciplined and used to people leaving me alone. When your son lives with you it doesn’t work that way.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Why me?? – 2015


Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh at a local park in NJ

Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh at a local park in NJ

I would love to walk around that park and the others I am used to. I prefer the woods to the beach. However, my walking is sorely limited and isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future except maybe to worse.

I didn’t sleep last night and I did leave a light on. Awful lot of noises but I stayed in bed. I am glad that I am not the only one living in the house. I don’t think I can handle that right now. I emailed the psyche nurse twice (no phone it takes even longer and she is a traveling nurse) and got no response.

If I hadn’t heard so much about Cymbalta and coming off of it I would simply stop the medications, except my anxiety medication that is doing absolutely nothing right now. I would probably get worse without it.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Suppressing Memories


I have become more and more worried about my loss of memory. This isn’t new. It has certainly gotten worse and I blame a lot of that on the Fibro Fog. I also have Sleep Apnea which is another thing that causes memory loss, sleep deprivation.

My Bipolar has put me in situations that I don’t want to remember and I have successfully suppressed a lot of them. Although they tend to come to the surface again and cause me agony and then I suppress them again. I don’t feel able to deal with them even if they have been discussed at therapy (this was more with my old therapist than my current, although I know there are things I have suppressed that we haven’t talked about either). There are a lot of these situations that I just can’t go into on here because of my family. Some things they don’t need to know. It is hard enough on them dealing with my mental illnesses and attempted suicide, they don’t need all the details.

And DOC I know I need to get all of this out for me to work on it. Problem with me is that I can’t forgive some people. I have tried and it isn’t happening. I doubt it ever will. Forgiveness has to come from the heart and mind and I am deeply scarred by so many things and some of them happened when I was a teen. That was a long time ago. I can’t forgive myself for whatever part I played in it and therefore can’t forgive the other person(s) involved. I have to forgive myself somehow.

Today has been a strange day for me. I am feeling weird. Not manic/not depressed severely, but a little bit. I am waiting to see what the medication increase of my Cymbalta is going to do. It usually takes a while for the full effects to hit me.

I am managing to shower every other day, occasionally twice in a row. That is progress. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING??

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

My GP does not believe in Fibro – 2015


I dragged myself out of bed at 11:30 since I had a 1:00 PM appointment with my GP. This is always anxiety-filled for me.

He doesn’t believe in Fibromyalgia. We talk around it because he simply believes it is a term used when they can’t figure out what is the matter with you.

Luckily for me I have a Rheumatologist who does believe in it and tries medications and gives me Lidocaine/Steroid injections in the trigger points which sometimes give me relief and sometimes they don’t.

So my GP is responsible for my lectures on weight (you gained some more, you need to lose some of that weight). Actually I need to lose half my body weight as I am only 4’11” tall. My lectures on my diabetes. My numbers are too high, check my levels, watch what I eat…blah, blah, BLAH! I am a compulsive eater. I eat when anxious (all the time) and when bored. I hate foods that are good for me. I eat one meal a day and maybe a snack. All bad for diabetics. Sometimes I forget my meds.

Then we spend some time talking about psyche medicines and what I take for the Fibromyalgia. These don’t concern him, but wants them in the records.

My thyroid has been very off for several months now, close to a year. I take one of the higher doses of Synthroid. Today it was perfect.

My Blood pressure is a little high, but for a diabetic it is ok and I take meds for that as well.

I was told again to lose weight and all my pain issues (arthritis, degenerative disc disease in 1/3 my spine, all 3 areas and a pinched nerve in the neck, plus the non-existent Fibro will go away.)

I am over 50 and he pushes for Colonoscopy (no way Jose), pap smear (no way Jose) and a mammogram. Those I will do although I don’t thank him for sending me and they decide to do a biopsy and nothing was wrong.

I am stubborn and I have enough wrong with me that we don’t need to look for more. LET’S JUST SAY WE HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE, MY CHOICE RULES. STUPID OR NOT!

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Fibro Pain/Lidocaine vs Bipolar Disorder – 2015


I can’t begin to figure out which is worse. Mental vs Physical pain.

For my Fibro I get Lidocaine injections in the trigger points and I had to start using Lidocaine patches because I just can’t stand this pain any longer. I get some relief, but I use the patches more often than recommended. I am self-medicating again. I can’t sit, lie down or walk without severe pain. This of course adds to my depression because who wants to live like this forever. There is no cure. There are some things that might at times give you a break, but for the most part I am always in pain.

Yesterday my mood was pretty good, but just as quickly I am back to somewhat depressed. I was in a mixed state yesterday I think and I have bounced back the other way.

I am angry. I want to take it out on someone. Maybe breaking things would make me feel better. I only broke things one time and I have to admit it felt great. I was packing to move as the man whose apartment, my son and I were living in, had taken off leaving almost everything. I came to the box of Christmas balls. It was our first tree and my happiest Christmas. I picked up one of the balls and accidentally dropped it and realized it felt good when it broke. So I took the whole box and one by one I smashed and broke each one.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Needle Phobia…March 7, 2015


Queen Anne's Lace

Photo taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

 

I can’t wait for Spring, hence the picture. It counteracts the snow yesterday although there is still dirty snow around here.

I wanted to talk about my needle phobia. As a small child they had to chase me down the hall to give me my immunizations and the monthly antibiotic for the mouth infection. I had tonsillitus every month.

At 18 or 19 years old I had fallen carrying a bottle, smashing the bottle in my hand. By the time my dad got me to the Emergency Room I was infected. They cleaned out the glass and wanted to do a tetanus shot. I freaked out, yelling and screaming. My dad says, “Haven’t you grown out of  that yet.” Uh no I haven’t I wanted to shriek.

At 30 my dad took me to same day surgery and while he was waiting with me they came in with a tray of needles and I froze. I can’t scream again. I embarrass the poor man all the time. So I zipped my lips shut. No sound reached him. I was so happy.

AT around 40 something I fell and needed a tetanus shot. I didn’t say a word.

I now get 2 or 3 injections of Lidocaine and a slight steroid at the rheumatologists every 3 months and I don’t scream at all. They say exposure makes you used to it since I am 58 now and finally stopped screaming over needles.

Today’s visit I got 2 injections into my trigger point in my knee and hip. OUCH!!! My Fibromyalgia is just getting worse and he has nothing left to try. He will only give me 60mg and I have to get the other 30mg from my Psychiatric nurse who prescribes the extra 30mg for my psychiatric problems.

Please excuse any mistakes found. I have a new keyboard and it sucks so far. I hope I get used to it.

My son did drive me, for inquiring minds that want to know.

Tessa