Category Archives: God

Tears – a poem

Tears by Teresa Smeigh October 2017

The tears are coursing down my cheek,

The pain is bad, I am not weak.

My foot is numb, my hands are too.

The pain is like the turn of the screw.


I cannot stand nor walk you see.

Somewhere else I’d rather be.

I can’t lie down, or sit upright,

What can I do, this isn’t right!


To my Lord I do pray

Give me strength that I may stay.

I shouldn’t have to live like this

No one should I loudly hiss.


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).




Tessa Can Do It! She has to…trying not to just give up.

I started this trip at the ER. My first stop after the station was the orthopedic dr. There the original hope he gave me was snatched back and I was back on the tracks leading to pain management with not a lot of hope to travel with me. Appointments are hard to get and I have to wait. The longer I wait the worse it gets physically and mentally. I am finding it hard not to just give up hope that I will ever be pain-free again. I haven’t been for 40 years (and longer if you count my childhood problems), so where’s the miracle cure going to come from? How do I find that miracle I so much want to believe in.

The closer that appointment comes the more anxiety is building up. I have been told by the dr’s office that this train could veer off the tracks to another track leading to a neurosurgeon rather than just pain management out of which I will probably end up addicted to narcotics if the steroid shots don’t work and they weren’t very successful 7 years ago. I still lived in pain, just a lesser amount. You know they make sure you understand that those shots can make it better, make it worse or simply not work. My neck responded for almost 7 years with very little flare-ups, but my back did not respond at all and continually got worse. The chiropractor was supposed to help, but I cannot say he did really. He claimed he could fix all of my problems and without medications. Of course he pushed expensive nutrients, but no prescription medications. I finally had to tell him that he needed either to try something different or our relationship was over because I was worse off after an adjustment and simply suffered to the next appointment. So he tried to be gentler. I went less often and then this whole mess flared into a much worse situation. When I heard I had several pinched nerves I refused to have him mess with them. Part of me said one wrong movement and he could paralyze me. My faith in chiropractic care is not very strong and when you start messing with damaged nerves it scares me a lot.

This brings me to the religious part. I don’t understand what all this means in God’s plan for me. Back to am I being punished for some past sin, maybe one from another life if you believe in past lives (reincarnation)?

I am thankful to be alive, but I can’t find it in my heart to be thankful I am alive to suffer. I know pain is subjective. I know that some people have it much worse than I, but right now I am focused on me and how I feel. I can pray for others and their pain and suffering and I pray for mine, but it sure is harder when the pain is never gone, always getting worse.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You bet I am and most of us do in this situation except for a few who get past this point without feeling sorry for themselves and have put all their faith in God. This is one of the reasons I gave up on God for 40 years. I don’t understand the suffering that is in this world or the killing either for that matter. What is it supposed to accomplish. I have been told God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. So this proves that I am stronger so heap on the pain?

You know I can’t lie, sit or stand without pain. There is nowhere to escape it. The pain pills are either not working or I am getting used to them and they don’t work as well. I can tell when they are about to wear off. I wake up almost to the hour they are due again.

I still have a week and a half before my pain management appointment. I will run out of pain medicine on that day as well or maybe the day before if I miscalculated which I will figure out closer to the date so I can spread them out if need be.

Tessa Can Do It hardly seems the right name for this blog right now. Will I do it, of course I will, I am stronger than I give myself credit for and for the simple fact I have no choice. I will not take that final step to end my misery because I promised my family and friends I would not do that again. God saved me then, he must have some other plans for me. There will, however, be many tears shed in the next few months or so depending on how things go because sometimes the pain is unbearable despite the pain pills.

God be with me as with you and I pray for any of you who are in similar situations and are dealing with your own pain, whatever that pain may be. God bless us all!!

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

Heaven (Haiku)

Heaven by Teresa Dean Smeigh July 2017

angels sing sweetly

love abounds everywhere

this they call heaven

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

Cell Phone Hell

My old phone is about to die completely. I ordered a new one online last Wednesday. Come to find out it is backordered and I get a new delivery date every day. Very annoying especially since calling is all my phone can  do now and the battery dies quickly.

This all started with 2 different techs at Apple. I have an iPhone. Verizon doesn’t work on them. Apple couldn’t help and the phone was quickly shutting down. I called Verizon since I needed a new phone. I had to pay off my old one which was around $100 and then set up my plan which is now unlimited across the board including the data. However, the rep didn’t know it was on back order although she should have been told when ordering it. She apologized, but it is already done and wait I must since I also ordered the supplies. By the time the money went back on my card it will most likely, hopefully, be here.

Still withdrawing from my psych drugs. Next week I go down to a very small dose. Wonder if it will be bad. So far I have been pretty well with this one.

I have been fantasizing about my ex-husband. Now that I have forgiven him (and I) for what happened 40 plus years ago I find myself drawn back to him. He doesn’t know how I feel. My children do and so does my therapist. Of course I also want to go back in time and start over. I know that isn’t possible. Neither of us are the same. I won’t take orders and he is now used to following “hers” and so things aren’t really ideal and he hasn’t made any indication that he wants to start over (yet), I have prayed to God to do what he thinks is best. Do I want him back or am I dreaming or am I just feeling alone. I am not interested in another man at this time for sure.

Oh well, life goes on.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

Seeking help again! Hopefully no hospital—Tessa

jesus on cross-175824_1280

God is my savior. Please pray for me.

You guys are my friends and family. I am getting worse.This last medicinal change started to help and then bam I started flipping all over the place. My mood swings are bad and fast. I wanna scream and break things in rage. My hallucinations are fast and I see, feel and hear things. I just woke up from a nightmare where I was tied down with my arms close to my body and strapped to a gurney. I took several minutes to realize I was awake. One of my fears is being restrained and not be able to get away. I couldn’t get up right away because I felt restrained.

I love you all and thank you for all the support. I will be back later when I am under control again. I miss you now, I have been around so little lately. This last scenic ride ended up in the hospital  in March. I don’t want to repeat that.


My Sweet Lord’s Prayer

The Lord’s Son looks down to see

At what he calls humanity.

Are we following God’s plan to,

Doing what he’s asked us to?

Following his sweet words

and all the lovely birds.

Put your hand in ours

Spending many, loving hours.

Praying for humanity

And all the earthly beauty.


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses

-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems


The Simple Woman’s Gazette

Peggy, the author of the Simple Woman’s Daybook has started a Simple Woman’s Gazette praising the Lord. If you are interested in joining with us please go to:

God bless you!


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses

-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems