I have my blog up and running again I am just not completely happy with out it turned out. Some of the widgets are missing and can’t be replaced they were pictures added by a html code and I no longer have them anywhere and some just won’t work. I can’t get my Facebook link to run. The space is there, it is filled out and maybe it will just appear. Crazier things have happened.
I am done with it for now and am going to write for a bit and maybe move a few poems or stories over from the other blog. Something to take my mind off the pain and the aggravation I have gone through for the last few hours.
I had my cervical MRI today and it really freaked me out when they locked me into a neck brace to hold me still. I am severely claustrophobic and even took twice the amount of anxiety medicine to try and keep from ending it early and having to redo it. It is done now and I hope that is the last of the tests for now. just waiting to see if pain management decides to do the steroid shots or feels surgery would be best. Back and neck surgery, fusion of discs etc could leave me even more immobile than I already am. I just have to put my faith in God that he will bring me through this situation safely and in a good way.
Days like these are when suicide does cross my mind.
I am in so much pain. 40 years of chronic pain and this being has finally hit enough already. When does the pain stop. Why am I in so much pain? So much for God’s plan. What the hell is it already that it demands I be in constant, gut wrenching PAIN?
I have to ration the few pain pills I have for sleep hours so I can finally drift off only to wake up as it wears off. I take another one and since I don’t have enough for 2 a day I am going to run out and then I don’t know where I will stand.
I didn’t cry much despite all this pain in the last 40 years, but enough is enough is enough already. I need a fucking break from all of this.
My pain management appointment isn’t until October 17 and will have no medicine unless the orthopedic dr will relent and write me another script for some more. I have a 13 page document to fill out just to go to this pain dr. Filling out paperwork drives me crazy. They don’t even read it. They just have to have it in the record, but 13 pages for crying out loud. And I have to agree to constant drug tests to make sure I am taking the medications they prescribe and of course I have to pay for it. If I fuck up and take more than the actual dose or less than I could fail the drug tests and be thrown out of the practice. I also could end up addicted to a narcotic and have to make sure I don’t lose my meds or mess up the dosage as I will have to go to the hospital for withdrawal. Another rule I have to sign for. All because people abuse the drugs those of us who need them have to suffer.
I don’t want to need these drugs. I take so many drugs now and really who wants more. I don’t get high off of them I get a little pain relief if that.
I blame so much on the bipolar disorder, but it is only part of it. I have lost most of my inspiration in life. Granted I never had much to begin with, but my writing is suffering, my blog is suffering. My family life is suffering and I just started to make amends with my children. I don’t want to die old and alone with no family.
I started the amends process last night. Lots of crying among us, but a start has been made and I have to admit my son is probably right when he says I am looking for attention. That I don’t feel real without it. I need validation.
Others suffer from things worse than me and go on with life. I use my mental and physical health as excuses. I am intuitive and I know things and could have made a great counselor if I had felt the need and desire.
I want to make a difference in people’s lives as well as my own. I have to start with me for the most part.
I need to bring God back into my life. I have even pushed him into the background. Blaming him for my misery. Life isn’t easy and getting back on track will take some work, but TESSA CAN DO IT!