As some of you know I have been struggling with a fear of homelessness when my father passes on. This house will be gone and my kids don’t have room for me. Housing their mother wasn’t in their minds when choosing their homes. When you are young you tend to not realize that as parents age or for other reasons they are going to need a home.
So this is something I pray about a lot and have left in God’s hands. I trust him to provide what I need, not necessarily what I want, but what I need. There is a difference.
Now late last night my phone rang. It was someone whom I knew from my last job (6 years ago) and seemed to bond to even though she scared me to death when I first met her. We became close in a way I was surprised about. We were so different it didn’t make sense, but I was drawn to her.
Last night’s phone call threw me for a real loop. For one thing she could never remember my number and wrote it down and seemed to forget it. I was always giving it to her. Used to annoy the hell out of me that she couldn’t be bothered to keep my number. I notate numbers even if I don’t ever expect to use them again and I had phoned her, but she never responded to my messages. She lived with others and I figured it might have never gotten to her.
I just wrote her an email at work a few months ago. Only way to get a hold of her and never got an answer. She doesn’t have a computer at home and kind of hates them anyhow. She is not tech savvy. I figured she no longer worked there. I knew she had to find a new home last I heard from her.
She proceeded to ask how I was doing and why I felt the way I did. She then proceeded to tell me that my last email which she just found in her spam filter, broke her heart. She told me hundreds of times I was her friend and she would never let me be homeless although at this moment she is in my situation since her sister sold the home she lived in out from under her. She proceeded to tell me she was poor and in my shoes and kept reiterating I was her friend. I did explain to her that friends from work is different from a real friend outside of work. She agreed.
She told me she felt like I did. Her and I talked a lot while in work and I talked about my feelings and mental status. Maybe this is why I bonded with her. We were really alike.
I listened for an hour and a half to how great a person I was, what a big heart I have, and so on. I was getting uncomfortable.
She says she has no money and no real friends except for me. She hopes to have a place soon and she will always have a room for me. It is not like I am her answer to money. I have none. She essentially said she will provide the home somehow and I will cook and clean. Not my strong point for sure.
She told me she hates people, but I am her friend and she thinks about me all the time.
I have a best friend already, my life and doctors and extra help from the state would be lost since she plans to live in PA somewhere and I hate traveling bridges and highways to leave New Jersey.
Part of me is relieved and part of me is cautious. Is this provided by God? The phone call was not how we used to talk. I know we tend to keep part of ourselves to ourselves and could she fake that confidence and arrogance. Is it fear, like she says. Is she really like me. She sounded definite and nervous and the constant comments as to how great I was reminds me of on here. People tell me how great and strong I am.
What is my purpose here. She seems to think we are more than just friends. is this God’s plans for me? I would have to leave the safety of my home town and my family. Does he want me to be stronger. Am I supposed to help her?
Nothing has happened yet. And I don’t plan on leaving my current living arrangements until my dad passes on. Things might change then. How perplexing.
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses
-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems