Category Archives: Life

Mom’s Memorial Bench – 10/05/13


Mom's Memorial Bench

Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

I am fairly sure I have mentioned the loss of my mother in October 2013. Hard to believe so much time has passed.

Mom suffered from Parkinson’s Disease for approximately 30 plus years. My Dad was her sole caregiver.

Anyhow they just put a fairly new park in our township and they were offering benches with a memory tag (white card in center). Dad wanted one for mom and had the card read her name and date of birth and date of death. It happened that we were given the spot near the gazebo which is the nicest park of the park.

Love you and miss you Mom. You will never be forgotten.

Tessa

Nightmares – 2015 originally


Every night or nap I have terrible nightmares. Sometimes really evil feeling ones that scare the hell out of me and wake me up and I am afraid to open the door because I might not find that life exists outside that door. There are regular ones and ones that are even happy.

Now I have had bad dreams all my life, but they seem worse now and I wonder if it has to do with all the medications I take. Psychological drugs and pain medications do tend to bring on different types of dreams I understand.

However the ones the ones that bother me most I hesitate to mention. They are horrible, sometimes violent dreams where he, my ex-husband, becomes a real monster of a person. Is my self conscious playing with my feelings and turning them into these horrible nightmares that I have at least one of these a day???? Sometime I can’t tell even if it is real until I wake up. If he reads this or my kids I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but it is affecting me strongly. My therapist has no real idea other than that I am working things out in my head. My marriage was over 20 years ago, ENOUGH ALREADY!

Tessa

Needle Phobia…March 7, 2015


Queen Anne's Lace

Photo taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

 

I can’t wait for Spring, hence the picture. It counteracts the snow yesterday although there is still dirty snow around here.

I wanted to talk about my needle phobia. As a small child they had to chase me down the hall to give me my immunizations and the monthly antibiotic for the mouth infection. I had tonsillitus every month.

At 18 or 19 years old I had fallen carrying a bottle, smashing the bottle in my hand. By the time my dad got me to the Emergency Room I was infected. They cleaned out the glass and wanted to do a tetanus shot. I freaked out, yelling and screaming. My dad says, “Haven’t you grown out of  that yet.” Uh no I haven’t I wanted to shriek.

At 30 my dad took me to same day surgery and while he was waiting with me they came in with a tray of needles and I froze. I can’t scream again. I embarrass the poor man all the time. So I zipped my lips shut. No sound reached him. I was so happy.

AT around 40 something I fell and needed a tetanus shot. I didn’t say a word.

I now get 2 or 3 injections of Lidocaine and a slight steroid at the rheumatologists every 3 months and I don’t scream at all. They say exposure makes you used to it since I am 58 now and finally stopped screaming over needles.

Today’s visit I got 2 injections into my trigger point in my knee and hip. OUCH!!! My Fibromyalgia is just getting worse and he has nothing left to try. He will only give me 60mg and I have to get the other 30mg from my Psychiatric nurse who prescribes the extra 30mg for my psychiatric problems.

Please excuse any mistakes found. I have a new keyboard and it sucks so far. I hope I get used to it.

My son did drive me, for inquiring minds that want to know.

Tessa

Snow Therapy…March 5, 2015


Snow @015

Photo belongs to Teresa Dean Smeigh

This is the snow at 3:00 PM. Still snowing now.

The snow was supposed to start around  2 AM, but at 6 AM or so it was still raining. We thought they screwed it up again. My son went to work only to be sent home again a couple of hours later.

I looked outside off and on, or should I say every time I woke up. Finally I realized it was snowing like crazy. I had a therapy appointment today and so I called the office to see if anyone was there. No one was so I left a message and worried. They called and said they were open, but they wouldn’t penalize anyone for not showing up due to inclement weather. Thing was I needed to go.

My dad said absolutely not (I am 58 years old not 2) and my son said I wasn’t to drive (who’s the mother here?). Finally my son said he would drive me. I am glad because I hate driving in snow.

I showed my therapist this blog. I started it partly for him and partly for me and to also help me remember my life because to be honest I don’t remember much of my childhood and he is interested in how my childhood helped create the me that I am now.

I trudged through the snow back to the parking garage and we left and decided to pick up something to eat while we were out.

Almost an hour since I took the picture and it is still snowing like crazy.

I need to go to tomorrow’s appointment because it is with my rheumatologist and I am in severe pain. My Fibromyalgia is getting worse despite the Cymbalta.

Soon the men will have to shovel again as it was piling up as they were shoveling.

Tessa

Hugging – from 2015


I have a deep aversion to hugging anyone. My therapist wanted me to start journaling (4 years ago LOL) when I first started seeing him regularly, weekly at first but then loss of insurance and then lower income forced me to go every other week. He wanted me to work on my issues from my childhood. I don’t particularly like writing about my awful childhood. I would not want to relive it for anything and believe me my life right now is not a picnic.

I was in either the 6th or 7th grade when I laid down the law on my parents. “Do not touch or hug me, DO NOT!” I shrieked at them and I know they were hurt and appalled. I can see that now, but then all I knew is that I didn’t want hugs period. They did what I requested and no more hugs or arms around my shoulders or whatever. No touching. Except for spankings on the few occasions I did something wrong LOL! That was rare as I was a “Goodie Two Shoes” though.

Working through my therapy when I first discussed this with my therapist , I wasn’t really sure why I did that. To be honest I still am uncomfortable with hugs though, but have grown up enough to handle it without hurting peoples feelings. I have even been able to initiate a hug.

My thoughts on this are that I found touching/hugging to be something that is part of the intimate part of life and therefore I should not be touched by anyone that I am not intimate with. Is this the definite reason? I don’t know, but I do know that hugging an intimate partner does not bother me at all. It is a comfort. I know they say that hugging is supposed to be comforting, but I just don’t see it in certain situations. It is just one of my idiosyncrasies. Certainly not the only one, not the last one either I am sure.

Is this what you are looking for Doc?

Tessa

Where is Spring? 2015


flower

Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

There is spring on my page. Picture taken on one of my nature walks with a friend last spring/summer. My friend and I spent a lot of time in the different nature areas in the state parks near the Pine Barrens in the state of NJ. It is hard for me to walk, but my doctor wants me to walk everyday for at least 30 minutes, preferably 60 minutes. Right now that isn’t possible although last summer we had gotten closer to walking at least a half an hour before I needed a break. Walking in the nature areas is softer and easier on my feet. I can’t handle walking on harder surfaces for long at all. The only major problem is that we have to deal with ticks. They freak me out and after our walks have to look for the little buggers.

My son dug out a space on the road so I could park my car out there and get in and out easily enough. The snow plow only does one single land sweep down the street. There are 3 cars here and my dad is in the driveway and my son and I are on the street. Between the trees and the way the house is positioned we are usually the last ones with snow. It is quite deep and very icy so it will take a while to melt.

As the weather gets milder I should start walking again and take my camera. I have a lot of digital pictures, but not sure if there are some I can use to spice up my pages. I need the picture to go with the post. I am finding writing a post everyday harder than I thought.

Today is Saturday and every Saturday my friend and I meet for brunch and talk about everything, but part of the conversation is geared to decluttering. I personally am a hoarder (low level) and have a problem letting go. This blog will also contain my progress once I restart. I just went through a severe depression and that halted my progress. I was manic for about 4 weeks and got so much done and then bam I started sliding backwards again. Perfectly normal state of affairs for me. Like I said in an earlier post “I want my mania back!”

Tessa

Self Esteem/Paranoia – written in 2015


Self Esteem and Paranoia

I have severe Paranoia and very low self-esteem. Now in ways I think a lot of the Paranoia is linked to the self-esteem. If I felt more comfortable with myself then I would not experience such severe Paranoia. I can’t walk among people who are talking among themselves and glancing at me and laughing without being sure they are talking about me. I am slightly agoraphobic as large crowds and new situations and being by myself (in a crowd and new situation) really freak me out. I miss out on so much because I am so afraid of people laughing or talking about me. And I can tell myself that they aren’t even looking at me, but it just doesn’t work. It is even worse if I walk by someone and then hear a laugh. It can be paralyzing. I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I do on occasion, but I am living like a hermit if at all possible.

Now my self-esteem is so low I trip over it. Funny? Not! I have been writing ever since I was a child, but I was sure I was terrible no matter how many people told me it was good. I wanted to submit my writing and when I did and got rejected (still in my teens) I said I would never write again. I did write I just would’t show anyone. Many years ago (I am 62 now) I started to write again and I got brave enough to start a blog and post my work. I was afraid to push the publish button. What if people laugh at me or write something terrible? Well I finally pushed the publish button on www.finallyawriter.com in 2012 and my writing blog was born and it is fairly successful. I am over the fear of showing people my work for the most part. This is blog number 2 and it is more of my personal life and that can be difficult to write about since I suffer so many mental illnesses along with the physical ones. My dr wants to know what went on in my childhood that made me what I am today. There are some things I can’t put on here since they deal with family and friends or things I don’t want people to know. I have to remember that I am sharing this with the world.

Now as for my self-esteem I don’t remember much about it before my elementary school years. The first thing I really remember was having the chance to play an instrument in the 4th grade. I chose the trumpet. At the time girls didn’t play trumpets or trombones. We were supposed to play flutes and clarinets. So I knew from the beginning that the teacher didn’t want me in the band, but I stuck with it.

Now at home, of course, I had to practice and I hated people hearing me for one thing. My parents thought it would be nice for me to play for their friends. How embarrassing that was! I dreaded when they had company and forced me to play. A couple of years later my brother decided to play the trumpet too. That is when they shot me right between the eyes. My parents told me that my brother was better. Now maybe he was, but why would you tell me that? My self-esteem went lower. That was almost as bad as being told they loved him better too.

I withdrew more and more into myself. I was nice to me in my world. I read tons of books to take me out of my reality and give me a breather. They didn’t know I had mental issues and thought nothing of it. Just yelled at me to go outside to play and go to sleep at night. They did take my book and force me out, but they couldn’t force me to sleep.

I was bullied at school. I was a nerd. I didn’t have nice pretty new clothes. We couldn’t afford them. I got laughed at for what I wore. Kids are cruel. I withdrew even more. I did have friends, but they certainly weren’t the cool kids. I always felt like everyone was talking about me even if they weren’t. I would not repeat school again for nothing.

I am still paranoid and have low to medium self esteem. I don’t think I will every be comfortable in my own skin.

Stop the Bullying please. It really hurts and somethings are hard to forget!!

Tessa