My mental problems have increased and I don’t feel like doing anything at this time. Changed meds as well.
Danny Ray, please continue with our agreement. I will check in off and on as I feel better.
Sorry about the Daily Devotional, but I need time to calm down and settle myself so I am able to act like a normal human being. Something is seriously wrong and I don’t want to go back to the psychiatric hospital again.
Almost 60 years dealing with bipolar. Most of which has been depression now that I take a mood stabilizer. I am tired of it. This current medicine started out fast and strong at the lowest dose. When the time came to up it (double it) I felt the depression crashing on down again. I either spend time in bed or binging on Netflix so I don’t have to deal with my life.
Wednesday I see my psychiatric nurse again and discuss this medicine. Started to work then quit at the doubled dose. Being medicine resistant is no fun. I am at the life sucks part again although it is more serious then before I started this medicine. 3 weeks on the higher dose and it got worse not better. Wonder if we should try the lower dose again or write it off. At least she hasn’t written me off.
Just to add to the fun, my fibromyalgia is kicking up big time and my chiropractic adjustment today made it worse.
I have been suffering from delusions of grandeur, the bipolar and the BPD. I also suffer from delusions of the auditory and visual sort. Haven’t even felt like touching the computer much.
I have this idea that I must be better that the average bear.
I wrote a letter to my ex-husband and children. They are all fully grown. I shot from the hip trying to get him off my chest. Not smart. He thinks I need to be hospitalized and my father agrees for different ideas. He just wants me well.
I might consent to go because I can’t stand the way I am feeling. My medication is not working right.
Physical pain increased.
I will try to give you a heads up if I go.
I have 3 children who care. I am sorry for that K1. I was rude, insensitive and very sorry. I love all 3 of you.
I have said before that there is a link between my bipolar and fibromyalgia. If I am manic, my fibromyalgia is very painful. I just found this out recently. Also the fact they made me stop my anti-inflammatory so I could take an anti-biotic had ALL my joints singing a horrible tune. I could hardly move. I thought I was going to have to call son or dad to get me out of bed. Terrible experience. Thank God I am back to normal, well normal for me.
Had therapy the other day. She says I am making huge progress. I wrote a letter to my ex-husband, and 3 children. I didn’t sugarcoat, but I didn’t go off on a nasty tangent like I wanted to. I know God wouldn’t like that. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. I give my ex credit he didn’t go off on me. He didn’t call me. He called the children who verified I was not going crazy and needed hospitalization, but just getting it off my chest. I also told them all about the baby I lost a long time ago and was still grieving. Nobody has talked to me except my son. Not sure if that is good or bad. My therapist thought the letter was well written and my homework this week is to color. I like to color, but can’t focus very long. She wants to see color. So I just bought crayons and pencils, not sure which medium I prefer and I have 3 coloring books, all different. Plus I write a journal the kind with all my feelings and that takes time, but she reads that during the week and has our topics ready and her questions are ready. Working well and I don’t mind her reading my deepest thoughts. That is how to heal. I can’t print all of them in this blog though you guys know most of what I say to her. I finally healed the scabs. Now I pick terribly at my skin on my hands, yank my ears, twist my hair and bite myself. Plenty more to go.
Tomorrow I go for my med management session with my APN nurse. I have to mention an article I read about study that shows sedatives like Klonopin, Xanax and so on have an increased chance of suicides and cancer rates and they are quite high. Going to try and remember to ask about this tomorrow. Been taking them for years on a steady basis and I now have a cyst in my breast. They don’t know if it is benign or not.
Having bipolar disorder is not easy, but being saved by God has changed my viewpoint on why I suffer from that and all the other disorders. They give me more empathy for others who suffer, be it bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD, BPD and physical disorders with chronic pain. I have them all and I know what it is like. I wish it was different, but my Lord knows what I need and has planned my life. If I end up in a wheel chair eventually God will be with me still and guiding my life. He is leading me down the path of my life that he has planned out and I praise thee Lord.
Before I start I want to remind everyone that I, too, suffer from Bipolar and I have chosen to choose a more positive influence in my life through Jesus Christ. Do I still suffer, of course, I do. He creates miracles, but that doesn’t mean he will wipe my life into all smooth sailing. For his own reasoning he has decided that I am to suffer with Bipolar, other mental health disorders and quite a few chronic pain issues.
Do I blame him for my suffering. I used to. So much so that I gave up my beliefs for 40 years. Now I have decided to follow his lead and trust his plans for my life. I don’t know exactly what they are, but I think they have to do with helping those that suffer with any disorder or disease.
I do this as I have understood his wishes to be. That may change over time. I am fairly stable now. I also monitor my own meds and have a few to play with to change my moods as necessary.
My therapist is proud of me. Of who I am becoming and what I am doing to help others when I can. I have my negative days, but I have more positive ones now and I am much happier with my life.
I am writing and getting published. That has always been a dream. I didn’t think it would be about bipolar, but that is just the beginning. My writing blog is full of new stuff. 6 articles are currently published. Posted stuff on other blogs. Been interviewed by a few posters as well.
I have one book started and one serialized story on the other blog that just may make a book eventually with work. Now it is just working off prompts. There are some time line issues.
I am willing to talk to anyone who wants or needs to talk and to pray for anyone who wants or needs prayers. I am thinking of creating a prayer bowl. Although I am not sure exactly how that works yet. I know my parents kept one and I believe they prayed for everyone in there at once and were constantly receiving calls to add others to the bowl. My mom is no longer with us, but dad might remember.