Category Archives: Therapy

Losing my psycho-therapist! Eeek!

This is always a hard thing to do deal with. You become attached to your therapist if they are a good one. I have lost several over the years. Not happy about this. You have to start over and get to know each other or should I say she needs to get to know me. They usually don’t share themselves unless there is a comparison that might help. A he is not out of the picture, but I don’t know if they have any he’s there other than the owner and I was not happy with him.

First, they move the office further away which didn’t bother me at first since I was doing teleconferences and so it didn’t matter. Now they are making me drive the 45 minutes one way and I can’t climb the stairs so they have to have an empty downstairs room for us to use. Hopefully, they bring back teleconferencing and hopefully I will find a therapist I can deal with.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog,

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Sharing with others the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder – An Article by Me That was Never Published

I have looked on International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) to see if I ever posted this article and I did not see it listed so I am going to post it on here as I no longer write for them and I believe it is still my work since they didn’t post it on their site that I can see. You can use the above link if you are interested in reading the Bipolar Disorder articles I wrote for them.

I don’t feel stigmatized by having Bipolar Disorder. I find it a way that I can help others. I have been through just about everything that you can experience with this disorder. I am not embarrassed and feel thankful to be able to help others.

There are times that I feel useless. I am disabled in physical ways and so I don’t work anymore. Working with my bipolar was hard, but I didn’t even realize I had a problem then. I never could focus. I was always daydreaming and my reviews always mentioned this. Since I daydreamed all my life it was just an annoyance that my bosses didn’t like and I had no idea how to stay focused. I now know that I was dissociating from my life and had to be snapped back into this world. Now that I understand, I can help others.

Another thing is self-harm. I have bit and chewed the skin off my fingers since I was a little girl. The more upset and anxious I was, the worse the biting. I now know that is a part of self-harm. Self-harm just isn’t cutting like I thought it was and I tried cutting. It didn’t give me what I needed, but tearing the skin off my fingers did. People were surprised to find out that there are many types of self-harm besides cutting. I also pick scabs on my head mostly although I do also pick at loose skin as well.

I have bipolar 1 with psychosis. I see, hear, and feel things. I find this depends on the medications I take. The medications can also affect my dreams. I have horrendous dreams. I wake up screaming. If you take medications and find that you suffer from the above-mentioned problems, perhaps you need to try another medication. At least talk it over with your psychiatrist.

Mania has a lot of behaviors that are hard to control. Spending, hypersexuality, thoughts of grandeur and even thoughts that you are Jesus or God or someone else famous. Again, talk with your psychiatrist or in the case of thinking you are someone on a grand scale perhaps your psychiatrist can help and maybe even a change in medicine is needed.

Some people can take just a mood-stabilizer (anti-psychotic) for bipolar, but for me just a mood stabilizer causes depression rather than stabilization. I must take an anti-depressant as well to boost me out of the deep, deep depression.

Suicide is a real danger with bipolar or any mental illness. Please talk it over with your psychiatrist, therapist, a suicide call line or simply go to the hospital. I have been twice. Once for attempted suicide and once for psychosis with suicidal ideations. Inpatient can be difficult, but you are safe there.

As I said I do not hesitate to talk about my bipolar, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD and Post Traumatic Syndrome. If someone needs help, I am there for them.

If you feel suicidal or even worried about mental illness being a problem for you then go see a therapist or psychiatrist for a full work up. If the suicidal thoughts are severe and you are ready to do it, please go directly to the hospital.

Your life is worth it. Everyone’s life is worth it.


Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog

Change in Anti-depressants

Yesterday I was started on a new anti-depressant, Trintellix, formerly called Brintellix. I have had good reviews of it and maybe it is all in my head (pun intended), but I feel different this morning. More hopeful you could say.

I have also agreed to weekly therapy for a while and to bring my son in for a session. Our lives are intertwined.


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses

-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems

Psycho-therapy Today

Before I start I want to remind everyone that I, too, suffer from Bipolar and I have chosen to choose a more positive influence in my life through Jesus Christ. Do I still suffer, of course, I do. He creates miracles, but that doesn’t mean he will wipe my life into all smooth sailing. For his own reasoning he has decided that I am to suffer with Bipolar, other mental health disorders and quite a few chronic pain issues.

Do I blame him for my suffering. I used to. So much so that I gave up my beliefs for 40 years. Now I have decided to follow his lead and trust his plans for my life. I don’t know exactly what they are, but I think they have to do with helping those that suffer with any disorder or disease.

I do this as I have understood his wishes to be. That may change over time. I am fairly stable now. I also monitor my own meds and have a few to play with to change my moods as necessary.

My therapist is proud of me. Of who I am becoming and what I am doing to help others  when I can. I have my negative days, but I have more positive ones now and I am much happier with my life.

I am writing and getting published. That has always been a dream. I didn’t think it would be about bipolar, but that is just the beginning. My writing blog is full of new stuff. 6 articles are currently published. Posted stuff on other blogs. Been interviewed by a few posters as well.

I have one book started and one serialized story on the other blog that just may make a book eventually with work. Now it is just working off prompts. There are some time line issues.

I am willing to talk to anyone who wants or needs to talk and to pray for anyone who wants or needs prayers. I am thinking of creating a prayer bowl. Although I am not sure exactly how that works yet. I know my parents kept one and I believe they prayed for everyone in there at once and were constantly receiving calls to add others to the bowl. My mom is no longer with us, but dad might remember.


Medication Appointment Today – A Little Hypo-manic

I had my appointment with the APN nurse (Psychopharmacologist) and her intern. She knew right away I was a little hypo manic. We discussed what happened and how I handled it. I did good. She is going to trust me to self-medicate with the provision that I let her know if I run into any problems and I am pretty good at notifying her when I can. This was unusual this time. So I have my mood stabilizer increased to 8 mg in case I need to bring down a manic episode, staying at six mg normally and leaving the Cymbalta at 60, 120 mg if depressed.

And she can write a note when I need it for the cat to be a therapy animal when the time comes. Which was a big worry.

I find myself wishing for my own apartment now. My father yelling at me for nothing because he heard wrong or I thought differently then what he said is getting on my nerves. It is not helping at all.

My email is out of control. I have at least 4000. I have to unfollow the people that are not interacting with me. I don’t have time for all those blogs if we are not interacting. Only ones staying are the ones I do like to read even if no contact with blogger. I follow everybody and their brother and sister. LOL!

I wonder if my mania shows through in my writing? Interesting thought.

Today is second day of bad Fibro pain. I think it is linked to my mania. Oh and I learned something today. I had heard it before, but dismissed it kind of. They are coming to believe that inflammation leads to depression and that Aspirin might soon be used as an anti-depressant. I take 325 mg of Aspirin every day as a blood thinner. I have for over 6 months.




Therapy today!

My therapist is impressed at my increase in mood stabilization since last week and that I was the one who made the decision. She says I am in a much better mood.

I like being able to adjust my medications for the bipolar myself. I can keep myself controlled and not have to wait for the med nurse to make a decision and possibly run out of meds. I know my body. Hope she agrees to let me continue to control them. She will know what I am on since I can’t write them and if something changes majorly I will keep her advised.

That appointment is on the 12th. So we will see what she says.


Thursday Therapy – a little late

girl, couch, computer

I was busy trying to learn how to read WP on the reader. Doing better now. Plus still learning Windows 10. I still also have stuff to load on here.

I also had to write a blog post for IBPF. I hope she likes this one.

Therapy went well. I gave her my journal and it seems to help. She will read it and we will discuss it next session. This way she will have questions to discuss. We also discussed something that really bothered me.


Pyschotherapy – Day 16 – 31 days of October blog link

girl, couch, computer


Psychotherapy can be conducted as often as needed. Some people go a few times a week, some go a couple times a month and when I was in the hospital we had a type of therapy 5 days a week and when I passed on to the partial hospitalization program I had 5 days a week for 5 hours per day. That is a lot of therapy.

Now my normal therapy schedule is every other week. I would like to go more, but financially that is not possible at this time. When I started I went once a week, every week.

This week we talked a lot about my anxiety and triggers. She has asked me to start journaling. She wants the stuff I don’t tell you guys and you know I tell you things most people would not admit to so this ought to be interesting as she wants to get deep into my head.

I refused when my first therapist asked and at the time I was not writing anything at all. Now I write everyday. So now I must make time to journal as well. I already filled 2 pages of typed single space writing. There are things in there about my family and my real feelings. Hope no one finds it. It is stuff that truly angers or bothers me in some way. The real feelings, that’s the whole idea of this exercise. Maybe she will be able to help me if she really knows how I feel. It means opening myself up to another person. I have not led a sin-free life. I don’t break laws, but I have lost sight of morality on occasion. I broke God’s laws.


See description below from Wikipedia

Psychotherapy is the use of psychological methods, particularly when based on regular personal interaction, to help a person change and overcome problems in desired ways. Psychotherapy aims to increase each individual’s well-being and mental health, to resolve or mitigate troublesome behaviors, beliefs, compulsions, thoughts, or emotions, and to improve relationships and social functioning. Certain psychotherapies are considered evidence-based for treating some diagnosed mental disorders.

There are over a thousand different named psychotherapies, some being minor variations while others are based on very different conceptions of psychology, ethics (how to live) or techniques. Most involve one-to-one sessions between client and therapist but some are conducted with groups, including families. Therapists may be mental health professionals or come from a variety of other backgrounds, and depending on the jurisdiction may be legally regulated, voluntarily regulated or unregulated.

Bipolar Disorder & Anger/Rage (Day 9 of October’s 31 Days of Writing)


Bipolar Disorder & Anger: Stuck on the rage road!

In the bipolar equation, anger has long been overshadowed by mania and sadness. Now it’s time to take a hard look at this isolating emotion.

See complete article here.


I have long been subject to deep rages, but they went unnoticed as I kept them locked inside. This always made them worse at first and then I would let it go. There was always something else to rage about.

As my age progressed, my Bipolar progressed and so did the anger. Erupting in real life instead of inside. My kids no longer let me deal with sales people, etc. because I just lose it and get nasty and angry.

I have always slammed things when angry such as books on the desk in school, cabinet doors in the kitchen and even doors if possible. It is a nicer way to express that rage than raging at someone.

I broke all the Christmas decorations when I found out about the con man I had been living with (that story is found under search as con man). It was all the new stuff we had bought for our first Christmas tree. The first one was an accident, but the second through to the end was deliberate and liberating. Glass balls splintering and breaking glass. Powerful feeling. I never deliberately broke something in my rage before and I haven’t since. I still slam things though.

Medication helped damper the rage somewhat, but I would still get extremely angry and I had to learn to walk away. Keep my mouth shut. I had no control over what came up and how nastily it came out.

There are varying degrees of rage and anger not always associated with Bipolar Disorder, but people are beginning to think otherwise. I always seemed to be sweet and innocent. No one knew what was simmering inside. I am more aware of my rage and try to control it.

I get so enraged that my skin literally gives off heat and turns bright red. People who know me well, know not to push my buttons too far or I go off rather than keep it inside.

If you experience episodes of rage with your bipolar mention it to your therapist if you have one or seek one out to help you control those outbursts.


My Therapist Called Me Today!


This is a first for me. In all my years of therapy, none of them ever called to see how I was doing when I went through a bad period. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy that she cared enough to check up on me. Her boss (the one out on medical leave that was my therapist) never did that and I went through some rough times including the attempted suicide and the aftermath and the issues with “FWB” (friend with benefits). I was very upset about the whole thing, he never called to make sure I was ok.

I did email him a couple of times, but mostly about when I might be able to start back to therapy after I was released from hospital therapy.

drink soda-341489_1280

Now I have found myself backsliding all the way to the addiction to soda and caffeine. I tried not to, but all that water was too much without something else and it started slowly and then built up that I crave it so bad. It is regular soda which is every worse, but I am staying aware from artificial sweeteners because that was a cause of increased pain. So I will take the hit on sugar right now and stay away from sweeteners. I still drink my water though. I haven’t stopped, just added soda back in.

writing-pad-badge for writing event

I miss writing my fiction, but I haven’t had as much inspiration lately with the prompts. I could write things on my own. I am able to do that. I am not totally without creativity, but prompts seem to give that extra boost to get me started. Plus I have my article writing to tend to. I just had to rewrite the first one for IBPF since there were 2 on the same topic and so I had to had my own experiences in. I was originally going to do that and decided against it.

bare feet-657207_1280

I have a very sore bottom of one of my feet. I can barely walk on it. It is basically just the one, but I can’t put my weight on it. I figured it would stop after night, but it didn’t. Just putting pressure on it sitting hurts. I don’t know what God’s plan for me is, but I wish it could have to do with less pain. Don’t I have enough for one person? Satan stay away, that wasn’t an invitation to re-enter my life.