Tag Archives: Chronic Pain

Tomorrow Afternoon I Finally See Pain Management


It has been a long painful wait, but it is finally here. I am nervous about what decisions may or may not be made. Wondering if I will be sent to a neurosurgeon or just have steroid epidurals.

I am working on changing everything to the new bank. The biggest thing being my social security disability check. The bank said usually they are able to make the change themselves, but gave me paperwork in case I have to do it by hand myself.

I would have stayed with the old bank, but due to financial reasons I have to leave there and break the ties. I will still being doing business with them for a bit, but then I won’t and leaving then won’t be such a good idea. So breaking ties as soon as possible. Shopped around for the bank that was similar to them. I prefer my old bank, but I will get used to the new one soon.

I think I will try the bank’s bill pay. I didn’t trust the concept and working in the online department let me know things that could go wrong. I now have automatic withdrawals and I might as well have one place to pay all the bills instead of going to each site and make a payment. Sometimes I just don’t trust technology.

The pain is back again today. Yesterday was just a break I guess. A welcome one at that.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

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Up and running, but not like before


I have my blog up and running again I am just not completely happy with out it turned out. Some of the widgets are missing and can’t be replaced they were pictures added by a html code and I no longer have them anywhere and some just won’t work. I can’t get my Facebook link to run. The space is there, it is filled out and maybe it will just appear. Crazier things have happened.

I am done with it for now and am going to write for a bit and maybe move a few poems or stories over from the other blog. Something to take my mind off the pain and the aggravation I have gone through for the last few hours.

I had my cervical MRI today and it really freaked me out when they locked me into a neck brace to hold me still. I am severely claustrophobic and even took twice the amount of anxiety medicine to try and keep from ending it early and having to redo it. It is done now and I hope that is the last of the tests for now. just waiting to see if pain management decides to do the steroid shots or feels surgery would be best. Back and neck surgery, fusion of discs etc could leave me even more immobile than I already am. I just have to put my faith in God that he will bring me through this situation safely and in a good way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

The situation is worsening. Trying to be positive.


I am positive that I am scared. Things with the spine are scary enough. The orthopedic dr took one look at the tests he had in hand and immediately ordered and had pre-authorized the cervical MRI. I went from no surgery yet to very possibly having to have surgery.

My EMG nerve test showed at least one nerve had no feeling when pricked. My Lumbar MRI showed all but one disc in the lower spine had no cushioning left whatsoever. And more are already in that condition in my thoracic and cervical spine from the last tests 7 years ago.

I also have spinal stenosis. Narrowing of the spinal area and less room for the cord itself to go through causing more pinched areas.

The last time I was there he said I was not a candidate for surgery and now all of a sudden it is a really strong possibility.

I’m scared. I just read up on the surgery. They use anesthesia and intubation. I freak out when something is forced down my throat and I am awake. They better hope that the anesthesia works or they will have a crazy woman on their hands.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

Why God? Why?!?


Dear God,

I beseech you. Why must I go through all this pain again? Is it Karma catching up to me? I am no saint, but I don’t believe that I deserve all the pain I have had during this life.

It started as a child and increased with age. Mentally and physically both. No break in the agony I must suffer. As a mere child, infant actually since the anxiety started in infancy, I have gone through life with bipolar disorder, the anxiety with panic attacks, OCD and PTSD and recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and psychosis with my Bipolar Disorder 1. I am 60 now, isn’t that enough punishment for whatever I did in this or a previous life? Or is this part of your plan for me. I don’t see the purpose of having to live in constant pain.

As a child I had constant sprained ankles, my knees and hips would go out of place constantly. My arthritis started when I was in my 20’s and constantly increased. The spine started degenerating not much after that. Chronic pain for 40 years. 7 years ago I dealt with pinched nerves in the neck and probably the back. but the back didn’t show up til later so not caught on the tests, but the numbness and pain were there. I was also finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explained so many things and believe me now, that son of a bitch is flaring now from this most recent pinched nerves in the neck and back. The other night my whole body started to feel numb and the pins and needles that accompany that.

Due to the new laws on narcotics I couldn’t even have enough to take them every 4 hours to reduce the pain. I had to stretch it out to 1or at the most 2 at night so I could sleep. I have 1 pill left for tonight and don’t know if the orthopedic dr can write more tomorrow because I couldn’t get into pain management till October 17. Still have over 3 weeks to wait. Not my fault they are booked up. I have to wait my turn like everyone else.

Maybe I don’t have enough empathy for others. Is that my sin? Do I need to go through this to learn empathy? I try to be empathetic. At some times maybe I am not so empathetic because I am going through my own problems. Have you decided that I should feel what others feel so I learn that lesson?

It is so maddening to have to go through this and because of some dumbasses out there I can’t even get the pain meds I need to get me through a day even. Every day is pain, pain, pain. I want to cry and sometimes I do when I get to a point that it seems impossible that I can get through this.

I am thankful that the orthopedic dr doesn’t think I need surgery at least. The steroid shots are bad enough. What physical therapists have told me about back and neck surgery tells me that I don’t want surgery done. That things are usually worse afterwards. So I pray that you don’t see fit to make that part of your plan for my life. But is this much better??

Someone going through the same things can understand what I am feeling. The pain you must deal with whether you want to or not. I  have this to look forward to quite often as it is the inflammation from the arthritis in the spinal area expanding the hard surfaces and pushing on the nerves. Inflammation is constant in my body and those people who tell me that getting sugar out of my body will take this pain away are not exactly right. Over 4 months with very little sugar/carbs and where is that decrease in pain and inflammation.

Did the exercise my drs, family and friends push me to cause the increase in the inflammation? I was doing the Silver Sneakers program for seniors, but it was pretty rigorous still. I had to modify a lot for me to do it in the very beginning. I did feel just a little less pain in my Fibro spots, but about 5 to 6 weeks in something happened and the pain got worse and I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I felt all the numbness in my toes and fingers and headed to the ER again. When they told me it was pinched nerves in both places remembrance of the first episode started coming back.

Hopefully one day soon this will just be a bad memory and part of my chronic pain which believe it or not you can live with, just not a quality life and your family and friends get tired of the complaints and the limitations as you give them excuse after excuse why you can’t do something with them.

I have almost given up on people understanding unless they have been through it themselves, just like mental illness. Unless you have it, you find it hard to understand and even at that we are all different.

Dear God, please hear my prayer for healing, please forgive my complaints about your motives since I am only a human who is trying to understand your reasoning  for my current and actually my entire life. I walked away from you for 40 years because I couldn’t understand why if there is a God he would let people suffer so, not just me. My faith is wavering again. I still don’t understand what your plan for me could possibly be or for others who have it worse than me. Please show me the way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

A Question to Ask Youself: Is Your Fibromyalgia Primary or Secondary?


Read this article to find out. It will help the dr with your treatment.

Read : http://healthiculture.com/fibromyalgia/newsletter/primaryorsecondary/question-1.php

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

Cooked dinner…


Well as a step in making myself more useful and not something to be pitied, I cooked the dinner today. It was just chicken with veg on the side. I thought it turned out good.

I finished emptying a large box and put things away or trashed/recycled what wasn’t really needed. I pretend my son’s voice is in my head asking me “do you really need that?”

Gave the drs’ office the info so I can get my glucose meter and start checking my blood sugars. Maybe it will be ready tonight.

My chiropractor says he feels my Fibromyalgia is really Lymes Disease (chronic long term Lymes causes the same symptoms). Now my son started researching and he wants me to see if I can get the treatment (I had 2 deer ticks lodged on me for 3 days years ago) and see if that helps. I don’t know where to start or if the insurance will pay for it since the last test was negative except for one positive band out of the 4-5 required. Dr says those tests are no good anyhow. They are saying a lot of people are being mis-diagnosed.

Love,

Tessa