Tag Archives: faith

Up and running, but not like before


I have my blog up and running again I am just not completely happy with out it turned out. Some of the widgets are missing and can’t be replaced they were pictures added by a html code and I no longer have them anywhere and some just won’t work. I can’t get my Facebook link to run. The space is there, it is filled out and maybe it will just appear. Crazier things have happened.

I am done with it for now and am going to write for a bit and maybe move a few poems or stories over from the other blog. Something to take my mind off the pain and the aggravation I have gone through for the last few hours.

I had my cervical MRI today and it really freaked me out when they locked me into a neck brace to hold me still. I am severely claustrophobic and even took twice the amount of anxiety medicine to try and keep from ending it early and having to redo it. It is done now and I hope that is the last of the tests for now. just waiting to see if pain management decides to do the steroid shots or feels surgery would be best. Back and neck surgery, fusion of discs etc could leave me even more immobile than I already am. I just have to put my faith in God that he will bring me through this situation safely and in a good way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

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Why God? Why?!?


Dear God,

I beseech you. Why must I go through all this pain again? Is it Karma catching up to me? I am no saint, but I don’t believe that I deserve all the pain I have had during this life.

It started as a child and increased with age. Mentally and physically both. No break in the agony I must suffer. As a mere child, infant actually since the anxiety started in infancy, I have gone through life with bipolar disorder, the anxiety with panic attacks, OCD and PTSD and recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and psychosis with my Bipolar Disorder 1. I am 60 now, isn’t that enough punishment for whatever I did in this or a previous life? Or is this part of your plan for me. I don’t see the purpose of having to live in constant pain.

As a child I had constant sprained ankles, my knees and hips would go out of place constantly. My arthritis started when I was in my 20’s and constantly increased. The spine started degenerating not much after that. Chronic pain for 40 years. 7 years ago I dealt with pinched nerves in the neck and probably the back. but the back didn’t show up til later so not caught on the tests, but the numbness and pain were there. I was also finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explained so many things and believe me now, that son of a bitch is flaring now from this most recent pinched nerves in the neck and back. The other night my whole body started to feel numb and the pins and needles that accompany that.

Due to the new laws on narcotics I couldn’t even have enough to take them every 4 hours to reduce the pain. I had to stretch it out to 1or at the most 2 at night so I could sleep. I have 1 pill left for tonight and don’t know if the orthopedic dr can write more tomorrow because I couldn’t get into pain management till October 17. Still have over 3 weeks to wait. Not my fault they are booked up. I have to wait my turn like everyone else.

Maybe I don’t have enough empathy for others. Is that my sin? Do I need to go through this to learn empathy? I try to be empathetic. At some times maybe I am not so empathetic because I am going through my own problems. Have you decided that I should feel what others feel so I learn that lesson?

It is so maddening to have to go through this and because of some dumbasses out there I can’t even get the pain meds I need to get me through a day even. Every day is pain, pain, pain. I want to cry and sometimes I do when I get to a point that it seems impossible that I can get through this.

I am thankful that the orthopedic dr doesn’t think I need surgery at least. The steroid shots are bad enough. What physical therapists have told me about back and neck surgery tells me that I don’t want surgery done. That things are usually worse afterwards. So I pray that you don’t see fit to make that part of your plan for my life. But is this much better??

Someone going through the same things can understand what I am feeling. The pain you must deal with whether you want to or not. I  have this to look forward to quite often as it is the inflammation from the arthritis in the spinal area expanding the hard surfaces and pushing on the nerves. Inflammation is constant in my body and those people who tell me that getting sugar out of my body will take this pain away are not exactly right. Over 4 months with very little sugar/carbs and where is that decrease in pain and inflammation.

Did the exercise my drs, family and friends push me to cause the increase in the inflammation? I was doing the Silver Sneakers program for seniors, but it was pretty rigorous still. I had to modify a lot for me to do it in the very beginning. I did feel just a little less pain in my Fibro spots, but about 5 to 6 weeks in something happened and the pain got worse and I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I felt all the numbness in my toes and fingers and headed to the ER again. When they told me it was pinched nerves in both places remembrance of the first episode started coming back.

Hopefully one day soon this will just be a bad memory and part of my chronic pain which believe it or not you can live with, just not a quality life and your family and friends get tired of the complaints and the limitations as you give them excuse after excuse why you can’t do something with them.

I have almost given up on people understanding unless they have been through it themselves, just like mental illness. Unless you have it, you find it hard to understand and even at that we are all different.

Dear God, please hear my prayer for healing, please forgive my complaints about your motives since I am only a human who is trying to understand your reasoning  for my current and actually my entire life. I walked away from you for 40 years because I couldn’t understand why if there is a God he would let people suffer so, not just me. My faith is wavering again. I still don’t understand what your plan for me could possibly be or for others who have it worse than me. Please show me the way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

New Construction of my Old Blog


As you can see I have started the overhaul of the old Advocate for Mental Health and now it is called “Tessa Can Do It! Positivity is catching!” This matches my URL now which has always been “tessacandoit.com”

From now on there will be no more new posts on “Always a Writer.” Everything new will be on here.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and hope my new blog brings me hope of a better life. Negativity hasn’t gotten me anywhere that is for sure. Always being positive is hard, but worth the energy to try and keep it going.

God bless you all and welcome to the new “Tessa Can Do It!”

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one.

My blog is starting to slide away into the ether.


At one point I was in a much better place and my blog was growing. I wrote many posts a day as well as a devotional every day. I wrote thankfulness posts, etc. There were numerous stories and poems on my other blog. I still have 2 and the addresses are at the bottom in my signature.

Now my blog is slowing dying. I have some regulars still and I appreciate you guys hanging around even though I find it difficult at times to follow many blogs. I still get new followers, but I feel as if I am letting them down as well. I have to change things if I want to save it. It is so easy to just give up and I don’t want to do that. I worked hard for these 2 blogs only to let them die.

I am sure I have turned people away with my constant whining about my physical pains. They are far worse than my mental at this point. My bipolar is fairly stable and my panic and anxiety, though still around, are calmed some by the meds.

What to do about 2 dying blogs is my current problem. I am sure people are tired of reading about my health issues. I know I am tired of living through them and complaining about them sure isn’t helping me any either.

I miss my blogs, the old ones, the ones that people enjoyed reading because they were more than just my whining.

I definitely thank all of you or are standing by me and still here and those of you who are new I hope you can find something of interest to keep you coming back.

I have been sinking for a while and just not noticing it. It is time to bring these blogs back on board and give the people something worthwhile.

Comments are welcome. If you have a comment about what is happening here don’t be afraid to share it with me. Perhaps it is not too late to save my blogs.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

Not a good day, life just sucks and the only way out is not acceptable.


Days like these are when suicide does cross my mind.

I am in so much pain. 40 years of chronic pain and this being has finally hit enough already. When does the pain stop. Why am I in so much pain? So much for God’s plan. What the hell is it already that it demands I be in constant, gut wrenching PAIN?

I have to ration the few pain pills I have for sleep hours so I can finally drift off only to wake up as it wears off. I take another one and since I don’t have enough for 2 a day I am going to run out and then I don’t know where I will stand.

I didn’t cry much despite all this pain in the last 40 years, but enough is enough is enough already. I need a fucking break from all of this.

My pain management appointment isn’t until October 17 and will have no medicine unless the orthopedic dr will relent and write me another script for some more. I have a 13 page document to fill out just to go to this pain dr. Filling out paperwork drives me crazy. They don’t even read it. They just have to have it in the record, but 13 pages for crying out loud. And I have to agree to constant drug tests to make sure I am taking the medications they prescribe and of course I have to pay for it. If I fuck up and take more than the actual dose or less than I could fail the drug tests and be thrown out of the practice. I also could end up addicted to a narcotic and have to make sure I don’t lose my meds or mess up the dosage as I will have to go to the hospital for withdrawal. Another rule I have to sign for. All because people abuse the drugs those of us who need them have to suffer.

I don’t want to need these drugs. I take so many drugs now and really who wants more. I don’t get high off of them I get a little pain relief if that.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

 

Whine/wine – my Sunday


On Sunday we went to the Baptism of my newest great nephew.

I took communion and was shocked they actually used wine. I was used to grape juice at some churches.

My whine is that my shirt wouldn’t stay down. It kept creeping up and exposing my bra. I had to spend the whole time wondering where my shirt was or someone was telling me to pull it down.

What a way to celebrate a Baptism.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

Have to find my lost inspiration! Bipolar is just part of me, not all of me!


I blame so much on the bipolar disorder, but it is only part of it. I have lost most of my inspiration in life. Granted I never had much to begin with, but my writing is suffering, my blog is suffering. My family life is suffering and I just started to make amends with my children. I don’t want to die old and alone with no family.

I started the amends process last night. Lots of crying among us, but a start has been made and I have to admit my son is probably right when he says I am looking for attention. That I don’t feel real without it. I need validation.

Others suffer from things worse than me and go on with life. I use my mental and physical health as excuses. I am intuitive and I know things and could have made a great counselor if I had felt the need and desire.

I want to make a difference in people’s lives as well as my own. I have to start with me for the most part.

I need to bring God back into my life. I have even pushed him into the background. Blaming him for my misery. Life isn’t easy and getting back on track will take some work, but TESSA CAN DO IT!

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com