Tag Archives: Feelings

More downsides to strokes.


Just when we think he is settled, has accepted the current and future situation, he throws a monkey wrench into the works. Now he has informed us that they are teaching him to drive so he can drive when he goes home. He had agreed with us that he wasn’t going home and even if somehow that happens, he will NOT be driving. It is just not happening.

I can’t take all this constant changing and upset. I had no idea at what was in store for us from a stroke. I don’t know where he got the idea he will be driving let alone going home. Wishful thinking I gather.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

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Food banks here in NJ – Rehab Facility


Today I went to the food bank. I feel weird going and getting free food, but my low income makes me eligible and at least we have a communal table that everyone puts the food they don’t eat on and that way there is no waste.

Just realized no pasta this month and not much spaghetti sauce. We did go later though. I got fish this time instead of another whole chicken. I need to start eating at home, but with all this running around to the rehab facility where my dad is makes me eat on the run. I got to stop this.

There is someone there preying on the seniors especially. Talked my dad into wanting this hair dyed black again and a haircut. She is not from the facility and she tells them it is free while hoping they will tip her most of what they would have paid the facility. We had to make him understand what was going on and I talked to the social worker there and she gave us the sheet to prepay for a real haircut and we talked him out of thinking that he needed his hair dyed. His grey hair is distinguishing and black hair would look a little silly on an 86 year old man. We filled out the sheet for him and prepaid it.

He doesn’t know any better and my sister had told him to do what he is told, but this we didn’t see coming. We meant cooperate with the nurses and aides. He was giving them a hard time right after the stroke. He is trying so hard to do what makes them happy.

The other day he called me mommy. He was joking, but it was kind of sad that I had to be in the role of parent to my parent.

And then we have those that are trying to make us feel guilty because we had to make the decision to move him into long term care/nursing home after rehab is done. He will need 24/7 care and that is not an option. I wish people would mind their own business. That decision wasn’t easy for us and we shed many a tear over it and still are on occasion.

I am becoming closer to my sister. Shame it had to be our dad’s stroke that brought us together.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

A Day At Radiology


Most people go to radiology with just one test in mind. Maybe a mammogram or an MRI. I decided since I hated them both that I would just take one day and schedule them both.

It was time for my routine yearly mammogram. I hate to have them done as something always goes wrong. Whether it is how the technician does it (today she slammed my jaw and chin in the machine. I am yelling and she came running to see what happened. I couldn’t move the machine off of the area and it really hurt.

Mammo’s are painful for me because of the Fibromyalgia. I told her about it and asked that she only tighten the plates the minimum she needed to take the test. Some technicians simple squeeze as hard as possible. She listened and at least a few of the tests weren’t so bad. Now I have to wait and see what they see on the pictures. Every other year or so I am told that they see something and I have to redo the mammo and add an ultrasound and in some cases they want a biopsy which was one of the worst tests I have had done. The anesthesia did not work and I was screaming bloody murder while being scolded about it because after all they gave me anesthesia. Bull! It didn’t work. I went from screaming to tears running down my face and I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it, but every time they touched me I jumped and yelled. The person in charge finally realized that I wasn’t looking at them, but was reacting to each touch. She said to me, “You REALLY are feeling that?” I have a have pain threshold after 40 or more years of chronic pain so you know this was bad. I gave birth to 3 children naturally and didn’t have this much pain. She stopped everything and went through the anesthesia again. It helped a little, but I just finally beared it and got it over with. I don’t want to hear the word biopsy on my breast again. AND there was nothing wrong just to add insult to injury.

Now the MRI is hard as I am incredibly claustrophobic. I took my anxiety medicine before it and since it was my lumbar spine I could go in legs first. Not as scary, plus I had a long ride, but I made the trip since this location had the shortest and the widest bore so i could handle the claustrophobia.

I had a few uncomfortable hours, but it is done and over with and no longer have to look forward to either one of the tests.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Problems Showering With Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome


Problems Showering With Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue

Syndrome

I find showers difficult and painful. Just the physical pain from climbing into the bathtub is too much. I have to hold onto both handles and sometimes I have to let go and literally lift my leg up and over the side of the tub. Everytime I shower I wish I had a shower stall. I can’t use the tub and take a bath because I can’t sit down in there and then get back up. I used to love to lie back and soak in a hot bath. I can’t do that anymore and haven’t been able to for at least 14 years.

Most of my washing up consists of baby wipes with a shower once or possibly twice a week depending on my pain or exhaustion.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Boredom – I know this is my problem and I need to find something to do!


Boredom seems such an easy thing to fix. It should be. Find something you like to do and do it. Simple isn’t it? I think it has to do with the depression from my Bipolar. My mood stabilizer calms down the mania, but leaves me feeling depressed. Things I loved, I could care less about right now.

Recently I found “Grey’s Anatomy” on Netflix. There are 14 seasons with roughly 24 episodes per season. Since I don’t have cable I would search for things to watch.

The other day I bought an antennae that works on my tv and gives me free local channels. I even found stations with old game shows and the old tv shows. I have the local channels unfortunately only have the 2 and it doesn’t seem to include the channel “Dancing With The Stars” is on. The antennae works but it seems like I have to reset the antennae every day or so as something changes. I end up moving it or the tv around til it clears up. Of course this will also raise my electric bill I am also sure. I don’t know how much.

I am trying to get back into reading. I used to read 7 or more books a week, now it takes weeks or months to read one.

I have all these adult coloring books and a huge box of Crayola Crayons. I bought them when I went through a faze where I wanted to color. That didn’t last long.

My writing is currently on hold. I can’t wrap my mind around it right now.

A lot of my time is currently visiting my dad and having a conversation that goes from interesting and making sense and then he will say something that he will insist is true although it doesn’t seem possible. My sister finally told him that no matter his progress he will not be driving any more. We expected a fight on that one, but he is accepting the loss of driving as necessary and he says he has had to give up his modesty so they can help him. Now he understands how my mother felt when she had to give up her independence and depend on him although in her case it was her husband mainly and then near the end my sister and I. My sister and I are not comfortable with having to possibly have to take care of his private, intimate parts. That is our dad and my mom would have been one thing, but our dad, well we will have to wait and see what happens and where he goes.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

We all have our crosses to bear. (not religious)


This saying came to mind when I was feeling sorry for myself. I was talking to my sister and after we bared our souls I mentioned that we all have our own crosses to bear. What seems so terrible to me may mean something else to someone else. To me my life sucks and yet when I think about it I know there are others much more worse off. Truthfully that doesn’t make me feel better.

I am in constant pain (chronic for most of my life, even as a child), I have mental issues and though I sort of have my Bipolar under control there is still depression hanging around. Anxiety is raising its ugly head. Stress is also a tremendous pressure and I am in constant worry about my dad and his stroke. Not only do we have to keep him in good spirits, work with his fading memory, and deal with the constant paperwork as we move along this journey.

We just found out that the facility we moved him to for subacute rehab doesn’t have room for him for the 100 days Medicare will pay for. We misunderstood. So if he is improving and needs more subacute rehab care we will have to look for a new facility that will have enough time for whatever amount of time he has left with Medicare and also long term care as well. We can’t afford to have someone come in 24/7, but depending on the amount of care he will need we might be able to keep him in his home with some help. I don’t work, but can’t physically do a lot of lifting and stuff like that. Making sure he eats, trying to keep the house somewhat clean are a possibility if that is all he needs. We could see about meals on wheels or whatever that program is called here. That would be one meal dealt with.

Right now everything is up in the air. We can’t plan anything yet until they assess where he is medically. We were told to apply to Medicaid so it is in place if he has to go to a nursing home. Everything will be sold and then Medicaid would kick in, Where he is at now is $10,000 a month. He is not eligible for assisted living. They require 2 full years of the monthly payment in advance and that amount depends on the level of necessary care. Not an option.

I figured out how to hook up this special antennae to my tv that will pick up the free channels within a 40 mile radius. No cable shows, but I can watch tv now. I even found a game show station. I was happy to see that “So You Think You Can Dance” is one of the channels. There is also an old show channel. Still exploring.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Life after a stroke from a daughter’s perspective.


I can’t possibly imagine what my dad is going through. He survived the main stroke plus multiple mini-strokes before it. At first we were astonished at what he was able to remember. We just passed the 4 week mark and he is going downhill and then uphill and then down again over and over.

Everybody is still talking as if he is going home. I participate, but having trouble really believing it. His memory is getting worse. If he goes home he is going to need someone there with him. None of us including him, my sister or I have the funds for a 24 hour nurse. Will he get well enough to just need someone to check in on him during the day. I doubt there are funds for that either. What if he tries to cook for himself. He will want to drive. I can’t see either of those happening.

They gave him a goal of 4 to 5 weeks to see what is going to happen next. Maybe he will surprise us and make a grand recovery. Not impossible, but highly unlikely. This is a hard time to go through. Not knowing what he will be capable of. I know they have no idea at this time and they did say that he is moving forward so there is possibilities that his recovery might be better than we originally thought. We have days when he doesn’t want to live although I have noticed those thoughts are not being expressed as often as they were in the beginning. He is doing what they ask him to do. He is just going with the flow because that is what they are telling him to do and we told him that he has to listen to the doctors and do what he is told.

Him having a stroke never really crossed my mind. I am not familiar with strokes and I always thought it would be his heart giving out. He had two heart attacks at the ages of 59 and 61. Now he is 86 and his heart is essentially fine. He could stroke out again and they watch him for any signs of that happening.

Hard being strong and putting on the strong personna and not letting him or anyone know how scared I am of this whole thing.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com