Tag Archives: Feelings

New Numbers of Virus in NJ


A couple of days ago the numbers had risen to over 62.000 people in NJ with the coronavirus. Part of the problem is the people who aren’t’ taking it seriously. They are out in public in groups. They aren’t wearing masks. When is it going to stop climbing? How many have to die before we take it seriously? I have a father in a nursing home. They had a sick employee. Thank God they caught it before it infected the residents. I can’t even see my father due to this virus or my children either for that matter. I have seen each child once from over 6 ft away and I was masked. I saw my newest grandchild who is now 4 months old from a few feet away briefly. I was again masked. I haven’t seen my other grandchildren at all. Because I live alone we all are practicing social distancing from each other.

I am quarantined in my apartment all alone. I don’t go out unless I have to get food or medicine or in one case I had to go to the doctor since I was showing symptoms of the virus myself. Thank God it was just another case of Bronchitis and it looks like we caught it early enough that I won’t have to go to the hospital this time.

Wednesday I have to go get my refill for my pain medicine since I have to give a urine sample. I am on very little pain medicine now. She has got me off since the incident. I might as well use aspirin for all the good this Tramadol is doing. I get 2 per day of the lowest dose. Big deal.

And then Thursday I have to go to the podiatrist to get my toenails cut and my feet checked since I am diabetic. I can’t phone my urine or my toenails in so out in public I will have to go. My Endocrinologist and my Psychiatrist are doing tele-appointments. Some I simply canceled.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

A couple of weeks until NANOWRIMO camp writing session.


I have been trying to remember my childhood as that is the portion of my memoir I plan on working on at this session.

I am not doing much right now as I am in serious pain and pain doctor will not give me the strong medicine I need due to my accidental almost overdose. It was a freak accident and nothing else is working so I don’t do much, but sit around or lie around or cry. Lots of crying going on here.

My life really sucks right now. I thought it was bad before, but this is the worst imaginable pain and nothing I can do about it. I can’t imagine living another 20 years or so with this pain and it is only going to get worse. Whoever heard of Degenerative Disk Disease that reverses and goes away. No one I know of. The arthritis won’t go away and neither will the Fibromyalgia and now because of a stupid freak accident, I can’t have pain medicine.

And now we have this coronavirus nonsense going on and they are shutting everything down where people can get together in groups more than 10. They shut our day room down so no more activities till something changes. The grocery stores have nothing in them. I can’t even get my medicines that have to be ordered at this point. I am in NJ (USA), not Italy or China so I can’t imagine what it is like there.

God Help Us All!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

UNDERSTANDING FIBROMYALGIA – Causes of Primary and Secondary Fibromyalgia


UNDERSTANDING FIBROMYALGIA – Causes of Primary and Secondary Fibromyalgia

Actually I fit into both categories. I cannot pin down what was the exact cause or when it started. I know the stress of a job I hated caused a major flare and the chance of a diagnosis, but no answers.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Must use walker at all times


Doctor says I am a fall risk, duh! I was told to use the walker at all times and that included inside my apartment where I usually hobbled about. Finally getting used to it. I was leaving it all over the place LOL! Most of my falls, although not all of them have been in my apartment.

Started the application process for state aid (medicaid) and what a pain it is. Tons of paperwork. Designed to get you to quit most likely.

Pain management doctor took my Percocets away which I figured would happen. I was thinking of not mentioning what happened, but my daughters told me to tell her. What happened was serious. So she told me to cut them in half and she was going to prescribe Nucynta. Problem is the insurance company is fighting it. So I am in more pain because of the half of pill and if she doesn’t get it approved soon I am going to run out of them and I don’t know if the smaller dose would cause withdrawal or not. Of course, the doctor is not returning my phone calls. Even if I get the Nucynta I have to start out on a very small dose so don’t know how much pain relief  I might have anyhow. Chronic pain sucks.

My children have decided that it is too dangerous for me to live alone. Doesn’t leave a lot of options. None of them have room for me and that leaves long term care in a nursing home or assisted living, but that would be expensive since medicaid will cover the medical part, but not a living facility. And the nurse from medicaid that did my assessment agrees with my kids on the living alone part. I have lived alone exactly 3 years in my life total. The nurse is putting me down as needing help in many areas. Now just have to get through the medicaid part which can take months and constant requests for this or that paper. My sister just did it for my dad who is in a long term care facility for his stroke and dementia. This is a different program though.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

I know what you are thinking – where the hell has she been?


My life was turned upside down and still isn’t completely righted yet.

Not sure what I did write so some of this may be repeated.

Around January 12, I was treated for a urinary tract infection and yeast infection. The start of my antibiotic roll.

On January 20 I woke up and felt really funny. I struggled to the bathroom and was standing by my emergency call bell, but my mind was on the fact that the bed seemed a hundred miles away and still moving. I couldn’t catch it. I looked at the phone, but my mind couldn’t comprehend what the phone would/could do and who should I call in the middle of the night and why. Still forgetting the call button at my side I started that long trek to my bed and reached out to pull the emergency button by my bed and passed out.

Luckily the guard was still on duty. I was non-responsive. He called the ambulance. They struggled to get me to wake up enough to walk to the stretcher since I was in a strange position on the bed and the couldn’t get the stretcher beside me. I remember very little of this day. I was rushed to the hospital. It was freezing out and I had on a T-shirt and shorts and bare feet.

Next, I recall my clothes being pulled off and a burning sensation that I later learned was a drug test. Unbeknownst to me, I was exhibiting drug overdose symptoms and sure enough, they found narcotics in me since I take 4 a day for pain. They started the drug overdose protocol and the Narcan being administered was horrendous. My daughter was watching this and crying. Each dose shocked me briefly into consciousness and then back out I would go. After a couple of doses I was awake long enough to understand that the next dose might very well throw me into withdrawal. However, since my kidneys were shutting down and my blood pressure was under 50 which is very low and dangerous they were more focused on that and they just told me to prepare myself because if I go into withdrawal I am going to be in terrible pain. They were pumping me full of liquids trying to force my kidneys to function but they weren’t cooperating and I didn’t even feel an urge to go. The next dose I got I shot out of the bed screaming in pain and crying about the pain in my chest. They did an EKG to make sure it wasn’t my heart and then went about trying to get me to wake up fully and get my kidneys to function and my blood pressure back to normal or at least higher than it was. Finally, my kidneys started to function and all that liquid was released and pushing through my kidneys. Blood pressure rose some and they decided I didn’t need to go to the ICU. I was put in a regular room with the ICU on standby.

I didn’t overdose on purpose. Due to kidney failure my narcotics were not flushing out so as I continued to take my normal dose they built up and thank God I woke up for whatever reason and realized something wasn’t right and pulled the emergency button before I passed out.

At one point in my life, I tried to overdose and didn’t take enough so that was my wake up call. I sure as hell do not want to do that again. They sent me home the next day with antibiotics for the bronchitis I had. Unfortunately it was very serious and my asthma complicated it and I was back in the hospital for a total of 10 days with antibiotics in my IV and orally. Pumped full of Prednisone which since it was a steroid it sent my blood sugars soaring. Came home on that. Plus all the breathing treatments and a new one and found out they contain steroids, some of them anyhow and my sugars all this time later are still out of whack.

Because of this I have home health care which is helping me apply for medicaid which is help I can really use. Dressing myself and bathing is downright difficult and since I have a bath tub and not a walk in shower I need help. Embarrassing, but I got over it. It is nice having help. Hopefully I will be approved for this long-term with a ton of paperwork to fill out.

So anyway I haven’t been around or up to writing. I am still recuperating.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

An Overview of Hypervigilance with Fibromyalgia


An Overview of Hypervigilance

This is something I deal with in many ways and quite often, even daily.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Pain, Knee Injection, Psycho-Analysis


Due to my upcoming steroid injection in my knee on Tuesday I had to cut out any pain killer that is an NSAID. If used it could cause dangerous bleeding. So by cutting out my Meloxicam, the pain became worse.

I have spent most of the last few days in bed. Laying down is less painful than sitting. If I had a couch I could sit with my legs straight, but since I don’t have one, sitting in a 4 legged chair or my computer chair is quite painful.

My knee is not the only painful area. My back is still a problem. I still feel my spine moving and popping. My whole body is an issue.

I mentioned that I was losing my therapist and then the whole office was closing down. My last appointment was last Tuesday, well I slept right through it. In a way, I am glad, since that eliminated the emotional part. I figure since I am not in a panic, that things are good and maybe it is time to let it go for good.

I still have my psychiatric nurse who prescribes my medications for my mental issues and is willing to talk if I need it. She does therapy too, but way out of my budget.

I can’t take much more of this pain and need to lie down again. The longer I am without my NSAID the worse my arthritis pain gets. Getting there on Tuesday and then having only a local anesthetic I am going to really be in pain. I can’t be knocked out unless I go to a surgical center or the hospital due to my BMI since I am obese. I have been knocked out with no problems, but new laws won’t allow it done in a procedure center at the pain management office. If what they give me is an anesthetic I would hate to have it without. The pain is tremendous. They tell me it will just feel like a bee sting. I would like that bee to sting them. That is the worse bee sting I have ever had.

My neighbor is driving me home. I drove myself last time. It was possible, but having someone drive you is much more comfortable. My dad used to drive me before he had a stroke.

Can’t wait until it is over.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Bipolar Brain – Poem


ants-4239_1280

Bipolar Brain
by Teresa Dean Smeigh
copyright October 2015

I wish my brain would
Give up its secrets easily.
Not drag them out should
I start to act uneasily.

Sneaky memories pushed out
By horrible nightmares.
No one cares so much about
My hidden awful cares.

Are these memories true?
Or just triggered by my dreams.
They come in out of the blue.
And some just give me screams.

Why I Write!


I write to keep my demons at bay

darkness descends, I long for day.

Putting my demons on the page

helps me lessen the terrible rage.

The rage within must not get out!

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com