Tag Archives: Gratefulness

I know what you are thinking – where the hell has she been?


My life was turned upside down and still isn’t completely righted yet.

Not sure what I did write so some of this may be repeated.

Around January 12, I was treated for a urinary tract infection and yeast infection. The start of my antibiotic roll.

On January 20 I woke up and felt really funny. I struggled to the bathroom and was standing by my emergency call bell, but my mind was on the fact that the bed seemed a hundred miles away and still moving. I couldn’t catch it. I looked at the phone, but my mind couldn’t comprehend what the phone would/could do and who should I call in the middle of the night and why. Still forgetting the call button at my side I started that long trek to my bed and reached out to pull the emergency button by my bed and passed out.

Luckily the guard was still on duty. I was non-responsive. He called the ambulance. They struggled to get me to wake up enough to walk to the stretcher since I was in a strange position on the bed and the couldn’t get the stretcher beside me. I remember very little of this day. I was rushed to the hospital. It was freezing out and I had on a T-shirt and shorts and bare feet.

Next, I recall my clothes being pulled off and a burning sensation that I later learned was a drug test. Unbeknownst to me, I was exhibiting drug overdose symptoms and sure enough, they found narcotics in me since I take 4 a day for pain. They started the drug overdose protocol and the Narcan being administered was horrendous. My daughter was watching this and crying. Each dose shocked me briefly into consciousness and then back out I would go. After a couple of doses I was awake long enough to understand that the next dose might very well throw me into withdrawal. However, since my kidneys were shutting down and my blood pressure was under 50 which is very low and dangerous they were more focused on that and they just told me to prepare myself because if I go into withdrawal I am going to be in terrible pain. They were pumping me full of liquids trying to force my kidneys to function but they weren’t cooperating and I didn’t even feel an urge to go. The next dose I got I shot out of the bed screaming in pain and crying about the pain in my chest. They did an EKG to make sure it wasn’t my heart and then went about trying to get me to wake up fully and get my kidneys to function and my blood pressure back to normal or at least higher than it was. Finally, my kidneys started to function and all that liquid was released and pushing through my kidneys. Blood pressure rose some and they decided I didn’t need to go to the ICU. I was put in a regular room with the ICU on standby.

I didn’t overdose on purpose. Due to kidney failure my narcotics were not flushing out so as I continued to take my normal dose they built up and thank God I woke up for whatever reason and realized something wasn’t right and pulled the emergency button before I passed out.

At one point in my life, I tried to overdose and didn’t take enough so that was my wake up call. I sure as hell do not want to do that again. They sent me home the next day with antibiotics for the bronchitis I had. Unfortunately it was very serious and my asthma complicated it and I was back in the hospital for a total of 10 days with antibiotics in my IV and orally. Pumped full of Prednisone which since it was a steroid it sent my blood sugars soaring. Came home on that. Plus all the breathing treatments and a new one and found out they contain steroids, some of them anyhow and my sugars all this time later are still out of whack.

Because of this I have home health care which is helping me apply for medicaid which is help I can really use. Dressing myself and bathing is downright difficult and since I have a bath tub and not a walk in shower I need help. Embarrassing, but I got over it. It is nice having help. Hopefully I will be approved for this long-term with a ton of paperwork to fill out.

So anyway I haven’t been around or up to writing. I am still recuperating.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Tons of clothes, helping others


I have an over-abundance of clothes taking up room and of a variety of sizes. Always kept them just in case I gained or lost weight and needed them. It has finally come to my attention that I have not touched those boxes in many, many years.

Talking to my therapist she suggested that I use the clothes donation to bless others. I have been feeling unhelpful with my blog. So she suggests that I donate all those clothes and feel better about myself by helping others.

I agreed with her and my dad that I need to get rid of these clothes as losing weight doesn’t seem to be happening. I have been at this weight and size for years. He said if I do miraculously lose weight slowly buy a few things to create a new fitting wardrobe, but to be honest I doubt I will lose weight. The insulin increases weight and my body structure is that of my mom’s. I am shaped how she used to be while alive and there is genetics to contend with.

Might as well clear up a lot of space by getting rid of all of those clothes.

Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

 

Affirmations: Soaking in God’s Love. Guided Prayer for Absorbing Divine Light–Relaxing and Healing!


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (no longer canceling this blog, just not adding new work to it, sign up for http://www.tessacandoit.com for the new posts).

Pain is Weird


Pain is weird. I was pain-free for a few days and now it is back, but on the other side of my body. I can’t figure it out. I was so relieved there for a few days and boom, just like that, it is back again.

I can’t figure out if too much movement is the cause, not enough is the cause or that there is no specific reasoning behind it,

I have spent the last few days calling the 2 doctors offices trying to get an appointment for the required EKG. I finally got one today at the very last minute before the procedure. Well slight exaggeration there. The procedure is Tuesday, but no time yet and so need Monday to wait for the time. The EKG is set for the last appointment on Friday afternoon. The day they close early.

I will plan on leaving the house early just in case of problems and just wait in the parking lot for awhile and then in the waiting room. I can’t take any issues such as road construction, detours and such. I was hoping to not have to have it. I really felt better than I had for over the last 7 years, but now it is back.

I just made a payment plan for the MRI’s I had and had to sign a paper so luckily my dad agreed to drive it to the post office for me. I had eased off a little on the pain pills and perhaps that had something to do with it.

I am sitting here in pain. Lying down was feeling better. May be up and down all night till bedtime. I have also had bad stomach pains the last couple of days. Not sure which hurts worse.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (no longer canceling this blog, just not adding new work to it, sign up for http://www.tessacandoit.com for the new posts).

Affirmations:”God, Give Me Guidance.” Affirmations for Divine Guidance and Help.


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (no longer canceling this blog, just not adding new work to it, sign up for http://www.tessacandoit.com for the new posts).

Affirmations: “God, Give Me Confidence and Courage” Strength through God Affirmations


Another good relaxing affirmation.

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Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (no longer canceling this blog, just not adding new work to it, sign up for http://www.tessacandoit.com for the new posts).

Faith Healing And Divine Intervention Through God


My father is a faith healer. He uses divine intervention to heal others including me. Now he has been working on my pains daily for weeks now. I can finally say that I am feeling a blessed relief and I don’t believe it is the pain pills finally starting to work. They have shown some minor relief only. This is a deeper feeling of relief. Deep inside. It restores my faith in God. As my father says, “The pain did not come overnight, it is not going to go away overnight either.” He works on my pain daily sometimes twice a day when it has been exceptionally bad.

Below are a few links on faith healing and divine intervention and its relationship to God:

https://www.allaboutgod.com/faith-healing.htm

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_healing

http://www.jimfeeney.org/divinehealing.html

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Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (no longer canceling this blog, just not adding new work to it, sign up for http://www.tessacandoit.com for the new posts).

Major Blood Sugar Drop to 50, 70 is considered low


I had a major drop today and felt like I was going to pass out. Glucose tablets weren’t working and I felt worse so I actually ate some carbs which is not recommended by the group I am in.

Now it is 3 AM and my sugar is 233 so I took some insulin and some low carb food to attempt to bring it down some without going too far. It is a nasty merry-go-round sometimes. The endocrinologist doesn’t want me to go below 100 to 170 which is simply too high for a diabetic. It leads to more meds and body damage that you hear about. If you talk to long time diabetics they know that the recommended amounts are too high and cause damage. However, one of the possible side effects with keeping our numbers in check is lows. I was doing really good there for a few weeks now I have an occasional low which usually isn’t too bad, but this 50 was stubborn and refusing to come up at first and then even though I was at 84 finally I still felt like passing out so I had a couple of mini cookies. Eventually it did come up and is now 233. So totally the wrong way and out of control tonight.

I hate playing this game. It is dangerous and we are subjected to damage such as eye loss, diabetic neuropathy,  amputation and our body organs shutting down from high sugars. The trick is keeping them down without going too low. Epic fail tonight.

Add to that the pain I am in. I don’t understand how you can take a higher dose of pain meds and still feel worse than you did on the lower dose. Plus still trying to get my arthritis meds refilled. I think that is part of it. Then of course, there is the lovely Fibromyalgia. It is flaring big time right now.

I am back to wanting to cry again the pain is so intense, my diabetes is already out of control and I haven’t had the steroids yet which are going to raise them super high and nothing I can do about that because those injections are necessary. I refuse to let this diabetes beat me. Diabetics so often die young because of uncontrolled blood sugars, but my doctor wants me to keep my numbers higher to avoid the lows, but if I do that I risk other problems

Oh and I got my EOB on my prescriptions and my fast acting Novolog taken with  meals is over $2000 for 3 months and the slow acting is almost $500 just for one month so $1500 for 3 months. The needles are over $152 for 90 days and the strips are another high number which I have forgotten. If I didn’t have extra help from the state I couldn’t even take them or any meds, Currently they aren’t charging me a copay for the meds at all thank God!

Hopefully my therapist and I will be working on positivity. I need it. Anything at all happens and I immediately go to the negative side. Can’t see the positive til maybe later if things work out which thankfully they usually do.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).

Have to find my lost inspiration! Bipolar is just part of me, not all of me!


I blame so much on the bipolar disorder, but it is only part of it. I have lost most of my inspiration in life. Granted I never had much to begin with, but my writing is suffering, my blog is suffering. My family life is suffering and I just started to make amends with my children. I don’t want to die old and alone with no family.

I started the amends process last night. Lots of crying among us, but a start has been made and I have to admit my son is probably right when he says I am looking for attention. That I don’t feel real without it. I need validation.

Others suffer from things worse than me and go on with life. I use my mental and physical health as excuses. I am intuitive and I know things and could have made a great counselor if I had felt the need and desire.

I want to make a difference in people’s lives as well as my own. I have to start with me for the most part.

I need to bring God back into my life. I have even pushed him into the background. Blaming him for my misery. Life isn’t easy and getting back on track will take some work, but TESSA CAN DO IT!

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com