Tag Archives: Life

Why? For those that are new to this blog this is why I started this blog in 2015


I have asked myself this several times. Why am I writing this blog rather than working on my story/poem blog and the best I can answer is because writer’s must write something and I need to get a lot out of my system according to my psycho-therapist. I know he wants me to journal and to work on my childhood. Your childhood is what forms you and so it makes sense to try and work on that part of my life. I have resisted so far, but I find myself starting to get a little excited and if that means writing a journal style blog rather than my story/poem blog for now then so be it. Writing is writing.

If I am honest I am dwelling on things that happened in my past and they are overcoming my current existence. I will say I will be writing this in no particular order. I will write as the thoughts come so we can go from past to present and possibly even the future and back again. I find it difficult with my mental health to stay focused on the present. I am a worrier (someone has to do it) and so tend to constantly be thinking of multitudes of things at one time. My thoughts race due to the BiPolar Disorder and to add to that I have Borderline Personality Disorder which means my moods cycle more rapidly than someone with just Bipolar Disorder and I never know what mood I might be in. Go from mania to depression in 30 minutes or less and wonder how you would feel if you can. It is not fun. My family never knows what to expect from me.

I also have Anxiety and Panic Disorders, OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder), PTSD and possibly ADHD thrown in for good measure. The ADHD was never officially diagnosed, but I was on Ritalin for a while and it did help me focus better. Right now I can’t focus on anything much for very long. I start something and find my mind and body focusing on something else and before I know it I have 20 projects started and none completed and that adds to the hoarding problem I have. I am a low-level hoarder and you won’t find nasty food or animal feces all over. I have a cat and she has a cat box which thankfully she uses. I belong to several online groups for the clutter/hoarding and they are giving me positive support to help me through the experience of trying to  clean it all up. Will I ever get it all cleaned up. I would like to say yes, but it is doubtful as I work on it depending on my moods and with the mania I feel like doing it, but the depression I would rather stay in bed and that is usually what I do. I have made a difference in here during my last mania session, but now I am severely depressed and I really don’t care at this point. I am even starting to slide backwards. That is why I doubt it is possible to finally get it all cleaned up.

Speaking of support groups, I have gone to a local one in real life. Little bit harder to talk about these things face to face with a group. I do much better with online groups.

My head is full of things to write for this blog. Shame I can’t focus that on something more creative, but maybe a rest from that will be good for me.

Tessa

Revamping the other blog (where my writing used to go)


I have decided to revamp the blog where my creative writing is. I have a lot of stuff on there that I don’t feel is worthy of what I can do. I wrote a lot of prompt stuff and some of them were just plain silly or even bad so that they fit the prompts.

Some of the stuff I am rewriting  if I feel it is worth it and I am deleting the stuff not worth saving.

The blog is http://www.finallyawriter.com

I know some people are still following that blog and I am getting new followers still so it needs the work. Eventually I will flip over to this one and work on it as well. There is stuff from many years ago that don’t fit anymore and since all my writing work is going on here now instead I need to go through all that as well because there is a limit to the amount of space that can go on these blogs so might as well start cleaning it up so I don’t run out of space.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Eyes Left – (Non-fiction)


I wrote this for a writing club I joined. I decided to redo an old flash fiction piece I wrote quite a while ago. I filled it out some since I was no longer on a word limit. This really happened. Those were the days (late 70’s).

Eyes Left

Non-fictional Piece Written by Teresa Smeigh 2019

After a very long drive we arrived late that night at the building in Cherry Point, North Carolina, where my husband, Andrew, a new Marine fresh out of boot camp, was supposed to report for training. He worked hard in boot camp and was promoted meritoriously to Private First Class and received the first choice of duty stations. Since we were already married when he joined it never crossed our mind that they would have a problem with him bringing me along after boot camp.

We chose Cherry Point, NC as it was the only duty station on the east coast. In fact, most of the new recruits were going over seas first thing.

We had driven from New Jersey with all our belongings. All the nice boxes I had packed did not fit in the car and finally in exasperation Andy ripped them open and just dumped all the contents into the trunk and back seat and we left what didn’t fit.

It was dark when we arrived and we were later than we should have been, but we had no idea where we were going. Exiting the car at the designated building, he went first and stood at attention. I slouched in behind him.

Looking at the faces of those Marines was not a pleasant experience. We were late and he arrived with someone they were not expecting.

“Who is that?” one of the Marines asked and it was obvious none of them were amused in the least.

“My wife sir!” I was wishing I could just disappear at this point.

“If the Marine Corps had wanted you to have a wife, we would have issued you one!” What?!? I don’t like new situations and confrontations, and this was both!

“What did you plan to do with her?”

“Sir, we have money saved since they never started the allotment to her during boot camp, so we were going to get a place to live in town.

Again, they talked among themselves. The recruiter knew we were married, and we had expected rejection since the Navy, his first choice, had already turned him down since we refused to stop the wedding and call back the invitations which had already all gone out. The recruiter said it was not a problem and Andy signed up and went to boot camp. These guys were uninformed of the fact that he was married and obviously had not been in this position before. They went back to the conversation about what to do.

I don’t know how Andy felt, but I wanted to cry. I was tired from the packing and repacking and the long trip and being in a place I didn’t know and the only person I knew was my husband. We waited with bated breath.

A verdict was finally settled on. There were specific rules since he wouldn’t be living in the barracks like the other recruits, but we could live with them. I had to drive him onto the base to the barracks very early every morning and then pick him up every night once they were done for the day.

We found a mobile home park just a short way off the base and every day I drove him to the barracks and back home.

Since he was available at lunch, every day I made a lunch and drove it to him on base. On the first day, I found the parking lot where he could find me and sat in my car with the door open and sat sideways in my seat with my legs out and on the ground. I was nervous. Then I could hear a group of Marines coming as they were marching to a Marine Corp Cadence. It was fascinating to watch them marching in unison and repeating the cadence their leader was shouting.

What I wasn’t ready for was as they came abreast of my car the leader shouted, “eyes left!”

Now I was 20 years old and weighed less than 100 pounds. I was a tiny little thing with a very big chest and all I was wearing was short shorts and a small halter top as it was quite warm. It was very disconcerting at first having all those eyes fastened on me.

I eventually got used to it happening and provided visual entertainment for the troops every day.

 

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

 

 

The Scammers Weren’t Lucky-God Will Provide


For one thing they caught me at the end of the month and so there was very little left in account and two I had considerably more than that in my secret hiding place that I keep for emergencies. Yes I miss it, but it would have been gone if my car broke down and I didn’t have enough here to cover it in my emergency stash.

My son was happy to see me taking it positively for a change and not moaning or groaning and beating myself up. Like I said the same thing would have happened if I had an emergency. Those people will get their payback as what goes around comes around.

I believe what I need will be provided by God if it comes to that. I am living on very little and even saving some so in a few months at the most I will have regained it back barring a real emergency.

Physically I am still suffering. The radio wave frequency procedure did not work. I am still in a lot of pain, plus for months now my spine has been moving and I am terrified that eventually I will need surgery. When it moves it sometimes cracks real loud and it also makes me feel paralyzed for several minutes. I worry that one day it is going to not go back in place and I will stay paralyzed for real. Still trying to get a hold of the dr. I have been speaking to underlings who can’t do much, but this last one is going to try and get my refill for narcotics prescription appointment changed to a regular one so I can talk to the dr, but even that is Wednesday. My appointment for a checkup for the procedure is the 19th. Going to the Emergency Room at this moment won’t help. There is nothing they can do unless it really does paralyze me.

40 years of adult chronic pain and all the pain I had as a child. It is time DEAR GOD for some relief, please, I pray to you.

If I become unable to take care of myself what does it leave but a nursing home for me. My kids can’t take me in. One could try, but he is planning on leaving the state and going down south. The other two have no room for me. I am sure they would do their best for me, but it is scary. And I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am.

I just gathered the trash and recycles and my rent check (plus I picked up my mail) and took it downstairs. Of course that has totally aggravated my back. I just took a pain pill not that they feel like they are working.

I have had to take a longer break from visiting dad since my sister is home. Getting in and out of the car hurts and is becoming harder and then there is a very long walk to the facility from the parking lot and then to his room. I was going once a week. Half the time he is blaming me for making the decision with my sister to put him in the long term care center once his rehab is done. He wants to go home and at times he is lucid and knows he isn’t making him mad at us although the other day he did make a statement to us that he thanks us for taking care of him. My brother has no real interest to help and isn’t around here anyhow. He lives down south and is broke so it is up to my sister and I to make sure he is taken care of. Which we gladly do as he is our father and we love him and he took care of us. Although when he is screaming at you for not letting him go home and drive his car it is hard not to explode. My sister told me if he does that just tell him you have to leave. He won’t remember it anyway. It is hard to see such a strong, proud man withering away.

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

#OctPoWriMo 2018 #31


 

by Tessa Smeigh October 2018

miss the warmth

hate bundling up

wintry days

bringing snow

scarves and hats needed daily

stay in by the fire

**************************

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

#OctPoWriMo 2018 #30


 

by Tessa Smeigh October 2018

snow showers

fall becomes winter

feel the cold

coats needed

snow heavier as time goes

winter wonderland

**************************

#OctPoWriMo2018

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

#OctPoWriMo 2018 #29


 

by Tessa Smeigh October 2018

rainbows shine

seen through the rain drops

need the sun

shining through

with luck we see a double

rarely a triple

**************************

#OctPoWriMo2018

Tessa

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com