Tag Archives: Mental and Physical Illnesses

This is a copy of my journal I write for my therapist

Journal – morning only – I figured I would put the journal on here so I don’t have to write it over:


December 14, 2016

Day after therapy and I am still animated. I know it is false since it is mania and not my only mood/mask I show. I still have energy and am cleaning up my room as much as my physical body will let me. This is a breakthrough. Depression I only do what I must do at the very minimum. A huge bag of paper is recycled. This is paper that was shoved on a desk top and some of my file drawers. I still have several boxes down here from when my kids moved me to the downstairs room to prevent falls. I still fall. Fell off the chair yesterday. Getting up was fun and difficult. I did finally make it without screaming the house down in the middle of the night.

My sleep is running for about 3 hours, bathroom break and then up around 5 or 6 AM. This isn’t a bad sleep cycle. I also have a BiPap machine for sleep apnea.

So far today I gathered all the plastic grocery bags and set them on the stairwell for my son. I dusted two large pieces of furniture and took everything off them and dusted them.

I checked my blood sugar. Still way out of control. My doctor is not concerned. He never has been and that is why I got where I was. If I stay manic I will take better control, as long as I don’t get overboard with the mania. Right now, it is at a good point. Helpful, not hurtful. I feel happy and even productive.

I have a long way to go. My moods just aren’t stable though. They still fluctuate.

I took my pills, my inhaler, my eye drops and a glass of water.

I am also setting a goal every day. Keeping it so far. I am working slowly on my poll list. I am taking things slowly because I don’t want to send myself into ultra-mania and lose control. All it takes is a push to send me over the brink.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems



Here is where I am in life – Tessa


First off I am still going off grid with occasional updates. That sentence took me a long time to make sense. I have mental/cognitive impairment. What I want to say or do doesn’t always happen.

My blood sugar is still between 170 and 250 fasting. I am sure it isn’t helping how I feel. My dr put me on a low dose of Januvia and nothing changed. That is along with my glipizide. I can’t take metformin. The diarrhea was terrible. I still eat what ever I want and we all that is sweets or high carbs/pasta/bread.

That is what I need to concentrate on physically.

Mentally my bipolar and borderline personality disorder is running rampant. I am not myself. I say things that shock my son to other people. I argue with them. I never did that before. I was always the perkiest,  sweetest person to others even if I had to fake it. I didn’t think I had to be mean to others, I have lost control. Again the mental impairment is out of my control.

Sleep in 5 minute increments or maybe not at all.

I see things, hear things and now feel things touching me. Seriously my family is ready to take me back to the hospital.

When I wake up I have no idea where I am. I am scared at first especially if seeing, hearing and feeling things. My balance is off and I usually fall off the bed and into my bureau. Then trip over the chair as I veer the other way. I lose my balance and fall off curbs and steps. Falling all the way down the steps really scared me. Luckily no broken bones. I now have to sleep down stairs. They keep me off them as much as they can.

I might peek in and let you know how things are going. If I come out of the depression I will feel more like writing. I might occasionally send in a devotional just to keep in practice.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems



Healthy Poll, please answer – Tessa

As most of you know I have many health issues. At the moment the mental issues are outweighing the physical pain.

My 2 biggest concerns are Diabetes and Bipolar.

I have created a poll to help me find out what every one thinks is the health plan I should start with. I can’t do more than one at a time. It simply overwhelms me.

Give me your best ideas to get started.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems



Going off grid for a bit

My mental problems have increased and I don’t feel like doing anything at this time. Changed meds as well.

Danny Ray, please continue with our agreement. I will check in off and on as I feel better.

Sorry about the Daily Devotional, but I need time to calm down and settle myself so I am able to act like a normal human being. Something is seriously wrong and I don’t want to go back to the psychiatric hospital again.

Wish me well!


Feel like giving up!

Almost 60 years dealing with bipolar. Most of which has been depression now that I take a mood stabilizer. I am tired of it. This current medicine started out fast and strong at the lowest dose. When the time came to up it (double it) I felt the depression crashing on down again. I either spend time in bed or binging on Netflix so I don’t have to deal with my life.

Wednesday I see my psychiatric nurse again and discuss this medicine. Started to work then quit at the doubled dose. Being medicine resistant is no fun. I am at the life sucks part again although it is more serious then before I started this medicine. 3 weeks on the higher dose and it got worse not better. Wonder if we should try the lower dose again or write it off. At least she hasn’t written me off.

Just to add to the fun, my fibromyalgia is kicking up big time and my chiropractic adjustment today made it worse.


Reiki for Fibromyalgia, yes or no?

Reiki has been suggested as a possible healing power for Bipolar and other mental disorders. Doctors are divided in their opinions on whether it works and the same goes for Fibromyalgia.

Doctors just can’t decide definitively one way or the other. The cost could be prohibitive unless you find it to definitely help.

Give it a try and see if it works or not for you. I have had some Reiki and not sure I can say whether it helped or not. I did find it relaxing though.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses

-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems





I am a night owl. Even as an infant I did not sleep at night. My mom used to wish a baby like me on me. She succeeded. I had 2 non-sleepers and 1 that slept 22 hours out of 24. She only woke to eat. Now if I had baby number 3 first I wouldn’t have any more kids because he ate every 30 minutes and it was a full 8 ounce bottle. I had to give up breast feeding him.

I am in my late 50’s and still can’t sleep well. Now part of the problem is the Bipolar Disorder. As a young child and through my teens my parents were quite aggravated with me because I didn’t sleep for months on end. I simply didn’t need it. They had no idea there was something wrong with me. When I was a child there wasn’t much talk about mental illness. I also suffered through extreme anxiety and as an infant they did put me on something to soothe me so I could eat. My nerves were so bad that I tore the nails and skin off of my hands. I still do this and I take 4 mg of clonazepam every day. I had gotten over it for awhile and the panic attacks slowed down, but now the stress is overcoming my anxiety medicine and my hands are a mess again.

I have probably never had a full night’s sleep. I am lucky if I can get to sleep within hours of downing a prescription sleep medicine (Ambien), the anxiety  medicine (Clonazapam) and an over-the-counter sleep aid. It lasts an hour, 2 if I am lucky. I spend the night and then the day sleeping a half an hour or so at a time. The Ambien no longer puts me to sleep or helps me stay asleep or get back to sleep after I wake up. The drs no longer know what to try. I take enough meds to put an elephant asleep and I am up all night and cat nap during the day.

Now there are some other reasons I might not sleep right or keep being woken up. I hear voices. I swear someone is calling my name, but no one is in the room or close enough for me to hear. I am hard of hearing, 1 bad ear and 1 partial loss. The hallucinations, you can only imagine what I see, but the weirdest was the dancing Mahjong tiles.

The cat keeps meowing and roaming around knocking things down. She has also been known to flat out land on my stomach or back.

And there’s the Fibromyalgia. The pain is getting worse. Every trigger point hurts. The pins and needles, burning feeling is over most of my body usually at the same time. Combine that with the other physical pain and I can’t find a way to lie down that doesn’t hurt. It hurts so bad I can’ even have someone hug me. Sitting here right now writing this and my butt hurts. Pressure points. My rheumatologist gives me injections in the trigger points as well as specific pain spots. Don’t get much relief and the Cymbalta doesn’t seem to help with the Fibro pain.

I am currently in a depression, but we increased the Cymbalta and it seems to be helping. I am no longer wishing to leave this earth at least. We have to watch that the mood stabilzer, Perphenazine, stays in control of the mania which increased the last time we increased my Cymbalta. Just can’t seem to find a good place nor stay there. I rapid cycle now when not medicated due to Borderline Personality Disorder being added to my list of mental health list. Along with the OCD, PTSD and ADHD.

BUT to be honest I prefer the mania to the deep depression. When depressed I don’t get out of bed. I am not sleeping, I am moping and thoughts are racing through my head. Even prone to mixed states.

All I want for Christmas is a good night’s sleep.