Tag Archives: Sleep Disorders

Weaning – 1 week left


Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

Still withdrawing from the first medicine.


The pain from the withdrawal is horrible. Hope drug # two isn’t as bad. I start the 2nd drug (anti-psychotic) in 1.5 weeks.

This morning I get fitted for my new diabetes shoes. Don’t ask me what the purpose is, but I can finally get a wide enough shoe. The problem is that there aren’t a lot of places my insurance will cover and I have to drive around 45 minutes.

The wind is ripping through the trees surrounding the house. I worry about a tree falling. Had one fall in another house. You can hear it. I didn’t know where it was going to land so I just covered my head and waited for the noise to subside. It was the neighbor’s tree and was headed for our house and our propane tank (could have gone kaboom). The electric wires bounced it off to the owner’s house and they  had the damage and I and my house survived.

I’m supposed to be journaling for my therapist that I see weekly now. Haven’t been in the mood. Sort of let the blogs go too. I am trying to get myself together, but the withdrawal of the drugs is a mood breaker. Sometimes I would like to just cut my head off. Though it isn’t the only part of my body suffering more pain than I normally suffer.

Had my 4th sleep study. Still waiting for a mask that fits. They put one on and say perfect, but when I lie down it shifts and sucks.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.com

Mania, extreme pain (why me?) and a cold!


What I need is sleep to help the pain and the cold. The mania keeps me up even though I don’t feel well. My pain is a definite 10/10 and I was down to 5 and it felt so good to have just minor pain and now my body is on full alert for Fibromyalgia and perhaps the spine issues. Can’t completely tell them apart. The Fibro is all across the many trigger points causing pain where I only get it when I am extremely stressed. Stress is my biggest trigger. Lack of sleep also causes it so the mania won’t let me sleep so it is a trigger as well.

Why can’t the head and body come to terms and give me a break. The week I had with little pain was so nice. It still hurts, but it is so much better you feel better.

Self-harming has increased. I found a new scab to pick and dig at. Just what I needed.

And a cold, can’t breathe, head and nose are stopped up.

Thankfully I have done my devotions scheduled in advance so I don’t have to worry about them. You should get one a day til the 2nd of January. Hopefully I am feeling better by then. And in the  meantime the emails are piling up to at least 1600 right now, today.

If I can’t sleep I might pop back in if possible. Depends on how I feel. Lying down or sitting down are just as painful.

Hope to see everyone soon.

Tessa

 

 

Depression Much? Depression bites!


I seem to be in a mood of depression right now. I hate to drag myself out of bed, but right now I am sort of awake so I got up and caught up on my reading, wrote some on my NANOWRIMO and did a few devotionals scheduled ahead of time. Plus I wrote in my therapy journal.  I am also taking a WordPress class on writing so I have plenty to keep my busy, but I am headed back to bed since I can sleep straight through and I am tired.

Tessa

Plantar Fasciitis – OUCH!


Well I finally took my lazy butt to a podiatrist because I have spent 4 months limping around with foot pain. He told me I have Plantar Fasciitis and for the first visit he taped it up and if it doesn’t go away he has a needle waiting for me, which people have been kind enough to tell me it hurts like a son of a bitch. Sooooooooooooooooo…………….

My friend the reflexologist has said that she can fix it with Reflexology. So when the tape comes off on Sunday I will have 3 days till my next appointment and so I set an appointment up with her for Monday. If she can take the pain away I won’t need that nasty old needle. If nothing else I will get a nice foot massage.

I have over 4000 emails. I am trying to figure out how to delete what I can and still skim over what might be important email. I didn’t think this through when I set things up. This blog goes to gmail, which I hate, with a forwarding to my main address. Net result 4000 here at my main email and I think 60,000 at gmail and I have to get over there and clear that out, but it is a slow process. WordPress won’t let me change the email I use. I don’t want to go no email and use the reader. I like knowing what is there that I have to read or want to read I should say and I know where I am with an email.

Of course I could get out of bed sooner and work on it LOL! I spend more than 8 hours in bed, not sleeping most of it, but in bed. Currently depressed and that is where I head.

Ok enough wasting time in here. I also have a regular journal to keep up with now. Busy, busy.

Tessa

6 hours sleep finally


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I finally got about 6 hours of sleep. Completely missed “Dancing with the Stars” which I am sorry for. I love that show, but sleep was more important.

I found the Ralph Marston Motivational site, but they have made it uncopyable except for a certain section that has part of the message and a link to the whole page if you wish to read it all. I will try to keep up with them, but it will mean clicking a link if you want his whole message. I know some of you really liked his messages when I was posting them before.

I don’t know if I can go back to sleep or not. I need some more, but not really tired right now. Well I am and I am not. Figure that out.

I don’t have to go anywhere today so I can stay up for awhile and then lay down again. I didn’t wear my BiPap machine. I think that machine is part of my trouble. I wake up continuously when it is on and sleep through without, but without I wake up with the sleep apnea, just not all the way awake. Either way sucks and I don’t get the sleep I need.

Tessa

Life is out of control. Spilling out my demons.


Although I managed finally to get an hour or so of sleep, I still feel wide awake.

I don’t know if I am in a manic mood or what. I didn’t mind not sleeping when I was younger and sleep wasn’t a major need for my body, but now my body needs it to help heal itself. I can’t spare sleep when the body needs sleep to heal overnight.

I confess to not eating right. Too much sugar, too much soda and caffeine as I am hooked again. My son says everyday we are going to start cooking again and back we go to fast-food. I have no will-power. I hate to cook. I cooked all those years for my family and hated it and now I just can’t seem to make myself do it.

A lot of things changed when I got divorced and lost the head of the house who bossed me around. I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to and I don’t want to.

It fits right in there with my self-harm. I don’t eat right, forget my medications, don’t drink enough, whatever harms me. Some days I don’t care. I promised no more suicide attempts, but didn’t promise not to let my health go.

I would say I am in a mixed episode right now. I am not stable anymore, not like I was. The bad days are getting closer and closer. Luckily they are only lasting a day or so at this point, but they are bad when they hit.

My belief in God is not strong yet and I falter. I find it hard to trust him completely. Satan is still nipping at my toes. Life is hard, life is not fun. Life is full of worry. I can’t let go and let God as the saying goes.

It is not serious yet, but it is concerning. I have no one physical to talk to who really understands what I am going through. I can talk to my mom in heaven. I can talk to God, but I need someone in real life who understands what I am going through.

I am terrified of my future. From this standpoint it looks glum. Of course, I am not happy now. I have no money now, will have less if I have to pay rent. I still have a lot more than others right now, but is it God’s plan for me to see how others live. To have nothing. Live in the slums with the bugs and the criminal element. I am not brave. I feel fairly safe here, but the low-income housing projects are not the safest places to be. I won’t have anything much worth stealing on the good side.

My clothes are falling apart. So glad I ignored the clutter experts who said to get rid of those extra clothes because I can’t afford to go out and buy more. They are going to fall apart on my body at this rate. Heaven forbid I actually get asked out on a date. I have nothing to wear and I am not just saying that. I don’t have a closet full of beautiful clothes.

My shoes hurt my feet. I have bunions and hammer toes and can’t afford to fit another doctor in so I go barefoot except when I am out and my feet are in agony. Right now the bottom of my foot hurts because the sandals I wore all summer had worn out and given me a heel spur no doubt. Not the first time.

When I was married I bought what I wanted, when I wanted. We weren’t rich although the ex-jerk like to think he was which is part of the reason I am in the situation I am now. He left me high and dry. Thanks to him I had to file bankruptcy. I need to again due to all the medical bills and the manic spending. I am curtailed from the spending now since I maxed all my cards out. He was his narcissistic self and took everything and left me telling me it was my fault since I didn’t get a career when he told me to. So everything was his. I worked, but not at a job in which I could support myself. I have lived here with my parents and now my dad for 12 years. Most of it rent free. If I was working I paid a small rent. Most of the time I was laid off over and over and then disability.

I am a realist. I know life sucks. No matter how much I don’t want it to be. Call it pessimism if you want. Same thing to me. I pretend to be positive at times. I can be a good actress and put that perky persona on and no one knows what lurks in my mind. Good thing I have therapy this week. She may not understand, but she listens anyhow.

October 6th I see the medications nurse. Do I want her to be messing with them. They are better than they were before, but I am losing my stability little by little. Tweaking medications is not fun. I don’t do medications well at all.

My self-harm is increasing at an alarming rate and that means all is not well even if I don’t want to admit it. Thank God the cutting didn’t take, but what I do could cause infections and it does cause physical pain. It balances out the mental pain.

The anxiety medicine either doesn’t help or I am either worse off than I thought and the medicine is hiding that fact. In the beginning it toned down the self-harm. It calmed the nightmares. Most of my nightmares are of the ex-jerk and his brother and family and they are trying to kill me. I don’t know what that means, but I wake up terrified from them.

Not only do I have myself to worry about, I have my 83 year old father and my children. They may be grown, but they are still my kids. I know my father feels the same way and he feels bad that he can’t help me with my demons. It makes him miss my mom more because she would talk to me and I would feel better. Helping others like she did does help me forget my own troubles, but only for awhile. I am still selfish to a point. She was the most unselfish person I know. She suffered from Parkinson’s Disease for 35 years and she had dementia at the end. She wanted to leave this world. She lost her fight and never regained real consciousness. We all told her to let go and go to heaven where her family was waiting and her pain would disappear. She left after hearing from my brother.

God I am morbid tonight. I should be sleeping, but I can’t. Please God let me go and get some rest. I will save the world tomorrow. I am not much help in this mood.

Tessa – emotional tonight